Wedding etiquette! How much money to give?

[crokky]

We've been invited to a wedding (me, DH, 2.11yo and 11mo, 300 mile round trip). It's DH's cousin's wedding - DH has not seen this guy for 20 years and I have only just learnt of his existance through the wedding invite.

I am quite against going (distance, cost, inconvenience, irrelevance, logistics of taking or leaving one or both DCs) and am not sure of 2 things:

1. Why should I say we don't want to go. Am I nasty and miserable??

1. How much money have I got to send? Does it vary according to whether you attend or not? I have no idea how well off or not the couple are as I don't know them! The invite says that the money it to be used for travels (to a place I have never heard of !)

[The only people I will know will be MIL and FIL and BIL, I can't ask PILs for any assitance at the wedding with DCs as they are quite frail and elderly. I would also be happy to send DH on his own as I wouldn't want him to miss out on seeing family, well family that he hasn't seen etc whatever but would still need an excuse for my miserable self!]

I think you could justifiably say you can't make it with two small children especially if it is a distant relative. Can't you have 'other arrangements' What does your DH think? Personally I don't agree with this asking for gifts money or anything else so you give what you want/ can afford. If I wasn't going I'd send a card. If I did go I would prob take a bottle of champagne or something instead. (or indeed nothing) we asked that guests didn't bring presents when we got married and were suprised and delighted that generally they didn't.

Urgh.

I think it is hideous to ask for money personally and wouldn't send any but I know other people will disagree, or feel too uncomfortable with not sending anything.

I also wouldn't attend wedding, would rather spend the money on something for my little family unit that weekend.

I would send some champagne or something, and a polite RSVP declining invitationdue to family commitments on those dates, but congratulating them on their wedding.

You don't have to give a reason for not going. You can just say terribly sorry, won't be able to make it.

Re the money, I would probably give between 20 and 50 pounds, depending on how well I knew them, how much I would miss it etc.

Normally if you don't go to the wedding you are not expected to give a present. But you can if you want to.

I definitely wouldnt go tbh.

Either send DH if he wants to go or decline from all of you.

Send some wine and a card and be done with it!!

I wouldn't go or send any moeny tbh. Your DH hasn't seen him for 20 years they are hardly close. I see random strangers more often than that and i wouldn't give them money either. I would send a card though.

bit odd inviting someone you have;t seen for 20 years imo

Has your dh seen other family members (perhaps the groom's parents or other similar relations) more recently than his cousin?

I think that this is up to your dh tbh. One would assume that he knows your family finances and other circumstances and would make a reasonable decision?

If it was my dh, and he wanted to go, I would probably go as a family and have a couple of nights in a budget travelodge or similar.

Re the money, it's not a practice that I am keen on either. I would send money/cheque in a nice card if you are not going. The amount depends on your budget and what you feel is appropriate. We gave my cousin about £50, which is what we would have spent on a gift tbh, but it is down to personal choice.

Thanks for responses, I don't think I am so miserable now!

onepieceofbrusselssprout - in answer to your questions - no, DH has not seen the groom's parents or anyone like that for at least 10 yeras. If my DH really wanted us all to go, then I would brace myself and do it. However, my DCs are a pair of shocking sleepers and it would be a nightmare, especially if they had slept on a long car journey - they may not want to go to sleep until 2am and even then they'd wake up lots of times. Sometimes, I think my DCs are a different species, they just don't need to sleep hardly at all. It's the distance that is the major problem - I'd think differently if it was just down the road.