cliques at school

[elenna55]

I just wanted to ask for advice. My son has started school last year, however he changed school end of April (as there was space available in the school that we wanted to get at first, but didn't get in in September). He started going to his new school almost 1 year after the kids that are in his class and this is having effect on him being able to form friendships. My son is also very shy by nature and quiet boy, he is bilingual, although English is his 1st language and he is finding it difficult to express himself which I know doesn't really help him to socialise.

He is now playing with 4 other boys every day and they seem to get along. My DS is having birthday party and I have invited whole class. When receiving RSVP there were 2 mums from the group of the boys that my son has been hanging out pretty much from end of reception, ignored it at first, couldn't respond when I posted it in WhatsApp group and only responded "won't be attending" (which I already assumed) after I sent a reminder in WhatsApp group. Bear in mind, that these 2 particular mums go to EVERY party (to children that their kids don't play at all as they will just play with my son when on that birthday party) and respond in minutes every time there is a message on What'sApp group. I am starting to think that they might have a "problem" with me, dislike me for a reason that is unknown to me (as I haven't spoke to them much) .... I am younger and a foreigner, would that qualify as a reason?

To make things more interesting, my son is asking for a playdate with a boy whose mother ignores me. How do I approach this situation? Would you initiate the contact at all?

My son liked his friends but hated parties so sometimes I made up a reason but other times I just said he was unable to come. It is also busy time of year so people have lots going on. I think you are over thinking it. As soon as you start identifying cliques then you are definitely over thinking it. There will be around 60 parents per class. Some will already know each other and be friends. It isn’t personal. Will they even know if your child is in the same class as theirs?

Maybe I am. Everyone is busy, and this takes less than a minute to write 1 line. All I am saying that, since my son was invited to the same parties in this school year ..... and they haven't missed one, and since all the invites go through WhatsApp group I can see who always responds first. It only matters to me, as my son plays every day with the boys and they seem to get along well and they play together, and he keeps asking me who is coming.

ahahaha ... they definitely know he is in the same class. They always play together at other birthday parties.

Wow - so you’re insinuating that the op isn’t as ‘nice’ as the clique school mums.

There it is, right there. I experienced this during those years. I worked full time and was therefore not worthy of a hello, or included in anything (didn’t even know about the bloody WhatsApp group!). Whether I was nicer or not was never explored as none of them bothered to try to get to know me.

That poster isn’t saying that at all. She is responding to the poster who said that school mums are bitchy and the mum standing by herself will be nicer than mums who are in groups.

exactly .... how can you assume how someone is, if you never bother to explore. Not that I care for myself .... but just don't want this to affect then kids relationships. As we started school way later than the others I had no clue about WhatsApp group, until one nice mum actually mentioned it and added me.

That’s literally not what my post says, I’m saying it’s just as ridiculous to claim that people who have friends are more likely to be bitches and the “nice people” are the ones on their own.

But you assumed these mums are in a clique without bothering, just because they can’t make a party.

In my experience people are just really busy these days.

We all spend so much time working that family time outside of that is really precious.

As for not giving a reason, the mums at my girls school must think I'm really rude then as I've never given a reason. Just kindly said they can't make it. I don't think they need a reason. As example, I had one occasion where I needed to be somewhere for an appointment. Family I'd say theyvreason, but a school group chat doesn't need to know that.

Im not sure where you are from, but given the general levels of xenophobia in the UK (if that's where you are), I'm not sure why this hasn't been suggested as the reason.

"not be able to attend" just sounds like they are busy that day to be honest. Yes it would have been lovely if they had thanked for the invite and said how sad their child was not to be able to attend, but people are busy and texts are sometimes written quickly.

I do not intend to do anything. I don't see the point of confronting, as from my perspective there is no reason on doing it .... maybe she doesn't, that's always a posibility, I wouldn't know as I am not in her head and I really don't care. Just seeing it as impolite and lack of manners for ignoring till the last minute.

I think what I wanted to say by reason ... it can be something very vague (of course I don't need to know the details). Even saying something like "we have already other plans" ... I am not referring to giving any personal reasons.

Yes that's where I am UK. Well I am from Slovenia, and my son is mixed .... I used get very positive reaction from people who visited the country as they really liked it.

This. They’ve been perfectly civil. It’s a child’s birthday party, not a summons! They don’t have to come up with lengthy excuses. If your child wants to invite a child for a play date, invite them! I certainly had children over whose parents were awful, but if DS liked the child, it didn’t kill me to have a polite conversation very occasionally.

I suspect there is a big divide between the type of people who have visited Slovenia and the ones who whinge about immigration. There are probably more of the latter.

I never had sad that they need to come up with lengthy excuses. It is the fact that they can't be bother to take 20 seconds to write a line saying "thank you for the invite, we have other plans on that they and xxx won't be able to come." And do it after the 3rd reminder. That's all, good manners .... something that's not common anymore.

Hahahaha they probably are .... I have always had pleasant conversations on the plane as we always seat next to an English tourist, and not once they were unpleasant.