cliques at school

[elenna55]

I just wanted to ask for advice. My son has started school last year, however he changed school end of April (as there was space available in the school that we wanted to get at first, but didn't get in in September). He started going to his new school almost 1 year after the kids that are in his class and this is having effect on him being able to form friendships. My son is also very shy by nature and quiet boy, he is bilingual, although English is his 1st language and he is finding it difficult to express himself which I know doesn't really help him to socialise.

He is now playing with 4 other boys every day and they seem to get along. My DS is having birthday party and I have invited whole class. When receiving RSVP there were 2 mums from the group of the boys that my son has been hanging out pretty much from end of reception, ignored it at first, couldn't respond when I posted it in WhatsApp group and only responded "won't be attending" (which I already assumed) after I sent a reminder in WhatsApp group. Bear in mind, that these 2 particular mums go to EVERY party (to children that their kids don't play at all as they will just play with my son when on that birthday party) and respond in minutes every time there is a message on What'sApp group. I am starting to think that they might have a "problem" with me, dislike me for a reason that is unknown to me (as I haven't spoke to them much) .... I am younger and a foreigner, would that qualify as a reason?

To make things more interesting, my son is asking for a playdate with a boy whose mother ignores me. How do I approach this situation? Would you initiate the contact at all?

Are they really replying with the words "won't be attending" or have you paraphrased? If they really used those exact words with nothing else, then that is rude and if I were you I wouldn't give them another thought.

You have politely invited everyone, leaving no-one out, so you have done nothing wrong.

Re the play date, I would message the mother. I know you don’t want to, but do it for your ds.

You are overthinking this. Enjoy hosting the party for your DS and the lovely guests that have accepted the invitation. And also you should WhatsApp the mum re the play date - just offer to have the boy over to your house and then offer her a coffee when she picks up.

I'm glad your DS is settling into his new school. And lucky boy being bilingual!

Try the play date. If it gets rejected, you can at least tell your son that you tried.

Kids will be friends with the people they like and when they’re older it’s harder for parents to get in the way. Friendships also change over the years so don’t worry too much. Focus on finding someone that will come for a play date, maybe one of the other boys.

Ahhhhh the school gate mums drama’s / etiquette / nonsense. How I remember those days with fondness and despair. The key is to literally not give a monkeys. Just crack on and forge friendships where your child wants to forge them. If (and I say IF as we don’t know) any mum wants to be a funny bugger - great - let them - lucky them they must have such empty lives that they would have the time for nonsense !!!
enjoy the infants/juniors it flys by x x x x

I will double check this .... exact words are (name of the child) won't be able to make it .... and the second one is " (name of the child) not be able to attend". The thing is other mums/dad who sent the message saying they won't attending, all wrote the reason (and the tone was much friendlier). I do analyse texts as part of my job ... so I don't know if I am over analysing it

There’s nothing rude about it.
They can’t attend, big deal. So much of this school mum nonsense is made up.
It’s highly unlikely to be a personal slight, you don’t know them, you barely interact, they haven’t been horrible to you.

Your reading far to much into this OP.
My daughter’s around the same age and sometimes it takes me a little while to RSVP (I always do). I don’t explain why my child can’t attend the party. I do say thank you for the invitation etc though but aware a lot of people don’t.
Be aware that people may RSVP and not turn up. Last year this was quite a few people at my daughter’s party.

Ah, ok. I think you are over-analysing a bit yes. Don't worry, it's all fine. You've done all the right things and they just can't make it. Doesn't matter why.

Yes, this too - I had people not turn up who had said they would. People are flaky. They just forget.

If that happens OP, don't be offended, just realise that they're not very organised people!

I wonder if there’s a timing issue - we have gone to all parties this year, but now as summer approaches we are around less unfortunately and I see thats the case for other families too - definitely smaller attendance. Also, how quickly did you press for responses? Sometimes it takes a few days for people to check schedules etc. in terms of reaching out, yes, I would for your sons sake, if he isn’t finding friendships very easy but is mixing with some kids well, I would be trying to nurture that for their sake. If you gather more info that alerts you to racism or unkind behaviour of course that’s changes things but I wouldn’t write them off on basis on not being able to attend a party.

The easiest way to get through this is to not read too much into it and know it is a short period that you need to do this before your DS organises his own social life. The Mum may have been busy and quickly replied for example. If your DS is asking for a playdate, invite them. The worst they can say is no. If they say no then let that wash over you, it isn't a 'you' problem.

School gates mums can be bitches - sometimes for no reason. We had this to start with when DDs were that age. Look out for the mums who are also stood on their own, they will be nicer. The kids will work it out for themselves. Is the date you’ve chosen short notice or are there other parties on that weekend/date?

Oh come on, there is no logical reason the person with no friends is nicer and every logical reason the people with friends are actually the nicer, friendlier non bitchy people. It sounds like they aren’t spending their time silently fuming and judging everyone around them.

Oooh....well I guess I will see on the day. Last year however, whoever confirmed that they are coming they did actually come.

Are school gate mums a different breed to women at work?

Why is there this obsession with fellow school parents that people don’t have with other groups?

Logic is something subjective .... however, your argument is very judgemental. It doesn't mean what you are saying at all. There can be many reasons - new to the area, new to school, language barrier, shy .... Just because person is shy or quiet doesn't mean they are not nice, on the contrary, most of the time it will be the opposite. The loud mums I noticed they were picking on 1 particular mum and judging her profession .... but hey, they were all friendly and united in judging that poor woman that wasn't around. I felt awkward. BTW it is not called judging but rather analysing behaviour .... you can overanalyse things, however people can feel that the interaction is different.

I agree with you and think the responses are rude OP. We have a WhatsApp group for the class and a lot of party invites get added, every parent will always say something along the lines of "thank you for the invite, sorry but X cannot make it" never seen anyone write ' X wont be attending..." with no thanks or apology.

Maybe there is a conflict. I just find it odd that this is literally the only party they are not attending.... however, my son gave out invitation at school, then I posted in WhatsApp group (which this mum monitores, and was capable creating new post), then I posted again around 9 days before the party.

Oooh that's not just school parents. I don't know if you are interested in psychology and human behaviour, but it happens everywhere. It has been studies, for example at work place <a class="break-all" href="https://www.forbes.com/consent/ketch/?toURL=www.forbes.com/councils/forbescoachescouncil/2022/01/25/understanding-womens-negative-interactions-with-each-other-in-the-workplace" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://www.forbes.com/councils/forbescoachescouncil/2022/01/25/understanding-womens-negative-interactions-with-each-other-in-the-workplace/

I really think you are overthinking it. They are busy, they have told you that their children can’t come, they don’t have to give a reason. You aren’t their employer. I don’t think you can possibly know that they both go to every party. And even if they do, their children can’t come to this one. It’s a bit sad for your son but I’m sure he will have a lovely time at his birthday party.

But my point is that on Mumsnet everyone gets fixated on school mums as if a school mum is a different person to a neighbour, colleague or someone from the gym.

If you’re thinking that the school gate is going to be full of cliques then that is what you’ll see. My eldest is year 6 and I have a year 3. I speak to probably 2-3 people on the school run and say hi to a couple more. There’s big groups of other parents who all chat to each other and that’s fine. They’re a group of friends, not a clique, and just because I have kids of a similar age doesn’t mean we need to have anything to do with each other.

In regards to the party/ play dates, have you approached any of your son’s friend’s parents to invite them round? (The kids unless you really want the parents there?)

oooh I see... I have never even heard of this term "cliques" before. I just heard it last year. It might come across as fixating on school mums, but it can be just because they are talking about the school and kids mums (more likely than dads). Of course they can be group of friends, as they know each other from before. My only expectation is that other parents are friendly ie. just saying hi back and not look away when I say hello. Just basic courtesy, I would expect that ... where I come from, people would greet each other for example when going for a hike - complete strangers, just being friendly.

with regards to playdates .... I don't particularly want parents around, but they are of course welcome to stay to make sure they feel comfortable leaving their kid. I will go ahead and try it, and see what comes out of it. I might be completely wrong (hopefully).

Yes she should have responded then and probably have given a reason to be polite! Maybe she doesn’t like you - it is one possibility. But like I said, we have attended all class parties this year and we are going to miss the next one (will be our first one to miss) and it’s because we have plans, nothing more nefarious than that. Similarly there was one last week and there was about half the class which isn’t typically but summer time people are more likely to have something on. In some ways, until you have more information, what are you going to do about it? Confronting her on the basis of what you’ve described would make you look unhinged!