My husband doesn’t seem to want to do anything it’s making me lonely

[Malibu2022]

i Have been married for 18 years kids never worked out for us. Me and my husband used to always do things now I feel like I have to beg him to do anything. We go for food he is ready to get the bill before I have finished my food. I work a lot so like to do things at a weekend on my day off sometimes that can just been a full day on a Sunday.

we have a lot of friends but he doesn’t seem to want to hang out with people and will leave early sometimes leaving me at events on my own with friends everyone is in a couple. I feel like sometimes I have to wait for him to be in a good mood before I can ask if he wants to do something and then I worry people think we don’t want to see them as I can’t answer straight away.

He sleeps in the spare room every night then makes me a coffee each morning.

I’ve paid for us to go out with friends on Christmas Day for a meal as he said he would cook but the it would only result in me sitting on my own most of the day.

i asked what he fancied doing New Year’s Eve as friends were asking he said he would rather stay in I can do what I want.

i just don’t know what to do it’s been going on for a while and it’s making me feel really lonely as it is just us two without having kids. I always feel like I’m on some time limit whenever we go out. I’ve started trying to do more things on my own then always get messages asking when I’m home.

That sounds very sad and lonely. How old is he? Is he depressed? If he needs some kind of help, encourage him to get it. Otherwise I feel you need to part ways as this is no way to live.

I’m really sorry to hear this op. It does sound really lonely,

Can you give us more context?

Was he always introverted for example?

How old is he?

What did he used to get enthusiastic about? And when did this stop?

I suppose the obvious questions are, is there something physically or mentally wrong with him that prevents him from going out?

Depression, a chronic condition like ISB or is there something like ED impactiing negatively on his confidence?

Has something happened in your marriage or is he suffering from chronic stress or burnout from work?

Sorry for all of the qs which obviously you don’t have to answer here!

Ultimately though, you can’t really change him, you can only change your reaction to him.

The sleeping in the spare room is sad and then leaving you on your own ??? Why is he doing that ? You would be less lonely in your own i think. At least you’ve a chance of meeting someone kinder

He sounds depressed.

Thank you for your replies.

he is 44 and is actually a very chatty person, he used to be really social that’s the part I found strange how he can suddenly change.

Recently a few of his friends have made comment on it which he didn’t like.

it is making me feel really awkward when we go anywhere as you can see after a while he doesn’t want to be there and just leaves often without me which I find really rude this can be a party or even just a chilled get together on a Sunday. When we get invited anywhere I have to wait to ask him when he is in a good mood to see if he wants to go.

he just goes to bed early every night but in the spare room.

My DH has been a bit like this over the years but we do have dc so that helps.

you need to have a non judgmental chat with him, explain how it makes you feel and how awkward it is. Would it be a deal breaker for you as it does sound like you would be able to blossom more alone? or ask him if there’s anything that troubles him that has caused the change that you can work through together.

my DH has got better recently, I can’t pinpoint why though so not much help. He did start playing an old sport again that one of our friends does so I think that helped his confidence.

Make your own social life withcyour friends. You can't every single needs met by one person in your life that's what your friends are for

This happened to a friend. She now has her social life alone. Can’t remember when we last saw him.

I think the spare room thing is the dealbreaker here. For the rest I would say it is okay for him to leave when he wants to leave, or stay in on NYE.

Have you not asked him "Why are you sleeping in the spare room? What is going on here?"

This sounds tough for you. Have you actually spoke to him about it? It's hard to work out how to approach it when we don't know what's causing this.

What does he say when you raise the issue?

I think you need to ask him what’s up, in a non-confrontational way.

There sounds like something is going on with him . Is he keeping depression a secret from you , or worried about something , his job , his health , ageing parents , money worries , gambling etc ?
I would be picking my moment to sit down and ask for an honest conversation , he's not being him , and it worries you . You are a team , and sometimes it takes a team to solve a problem .

This is really hard for you OP. It sounds like he's checked out of life, not the relationship, because he brings you coffee and wants you home. It's classic mid life depressed mood I guess - changes in hormones. Which suggests it will get better on the upward slope of the U shaped happiness curve after the mid forties.
Can you initiate some new year goals and plans for both of you separately and you together? Not social ones, but something to bring pride and accomplishment and enjoyment. Could he use a retreat? Is he depressed about the world, watching too much news, feeling a failure?

The red flag here is the fact he sleeps in the spare room. Along with his other behaviours it sounds as if he has checked out of your marriage x

I think so too. Could you ask him to attend Couples Counselling with you?

Would he be willing to see his GP about possible desperation and get his testosterone and thyroid levels checked?

From what you've said though I'm not sure how you woukd go about taking in g to him if you have to wait for him to be in a good mood before you can even ask him to go to a social event and you're at work or on your own in the evenings.

What's he up to when he goes to bed early? That's really odd at most ages but he's not an old man, he doesn't need an early night on his own room every night. Don't you find this really odd? What's his excuse?

Being insular can become more of a feature usually with some men in their 50s. I know a few Women who have divorced after their ExH checked out of their marriage.