Surprise 60th Birthday Meal

[Tangerine461]

I'm in the process of planning a surprise 60th birthday for my Mum...

She has said she doesn't want a full-on party, so I've been thinking about hiring a private dining room at a local hotel for max. 20 guests. I can fill the guest list quite easily and the hotel can provide a sit down or buffet-style menu... but here are some queries I was hoping you could help me with:

• Meal options: The hotel can offer a buffet/bowl style dinner, or a 2 course sit-down dinner which would be approx. £30 pp. For events like this, would it be expected for me to pay for everyone's 2 courses - or should I pay for the canapes, welcome drinks and some bottles for the table? I've been to some parties where it's quite a basic buffet (£10-15 a head) which has been covered by the hosts, yet other celebrations such as baby showers/wedding anniversaries where I paid for my own meal. I don't want to offend guests by asking them to pay, but at the same time I think it could add up quite a lot (circa. £600) if I was to pay for everyone's dinner. Would you expect your meal to be covered or would you be happy to pay and receive complimentary canapes/welcome drinks?

• Music: The room is quite small so I wouldn't have space for a DJ or band, but I quite like the idea of having a guitarist play a 45 min set as well as creating my own playlist with music my Mum loves. I think it could be a nice surprise and help people mingle, but I wonder if it could be a bit too overbearing?

Any advice or reflections from previous private dinners would be most appreciated. Thank you kindly.

I’m planning a celebration for my own birthday this year and I will be inviting a group of friends. I will be paying for the whole thing.
think if you invite guests to a party or for a meal, then it’s not really on for them to have to pay for themselves.
I suppose the alternative is for you to tell them in advance that they are expected to pay for themselves and let them decide.

If you are inviting you should be paying

The live music sounds brilliant.

I would expect you to pay as you are inviting people to a party.

Thank you for your reply! Yes I agree I'd tell them the plan in advance as if they were to cover their own, they'd have to select their choices in advance. It's tricky as I went to a sit-down afternoon tea for a baby shower where we had to pay for food/drinks (£25 per person) - but maybe if it's an evening event it feels more of a formal event.

If you can afford it, it would be a lovely gesture. If you can't, just get in touch with chosen guests and say you want to organise a surprise dinner. The cost to them would be £30pp and you will pay for welcome drinks and cake (or whatever). Send out menus.

Would a buffet allow people to mingle more?

If you invited me then asked me to pay it would feel awkward to me

I don't want to offend guests by asking them to pay

Then don't. Honestly, it's in very poor taste. Only invite as many as you can afford to host.

I've never charged guests for anything but it seems to be a bit more common these days. If you have a buffet style meal it will be easier for people to mix and mingle and has more of an informal vibe. A sit down meal is quite restrictive and you're mostly stuck with the people either side of you. A buffet meal would also leave room to have a dance. Depends what your mum likes really, something more relaxed or something more formal with all the trimmings.

As ever it depends on your social circle

Don't invite people and mention the cost later - state it up front - "I'd like to get some people together for mums birthday - it would cost around £xx a person - would you be interested "

Does your mum actually want a birthday meal?

I'd limit the guest list to immediate family tbh so that I could pay.

Thank you for your replies. To answer a few questions: It's a bit of a mix really as some friends/family are used to paying their share, but others might not be. And she definitely would prefer a sit-down dinner over a party - plus the larger room hire is much more expensive!

I think I'll chat to my auntie and see what her views are as she's organised events in the past, but I would absolutely be 100% upfront with guests whatever the decision.

If the decision was to ask for their meals to be covered by themselves, I'd make sure there was a good offering for canapes, welcome drinks, bottles for table, tea/coffee and a nice cake for after the meal - so even if guests were expected to pay for their meal, hopefully the drinks and extra treats would help.

I'll review the buffet option and see what's on offer. I've been to some events in the past where a buffet works in a large space with a DJ and dance floor, but worry for a sit-down meal setting it might not fulfill what I had in mind.

I hope you and your DM have a lovely time, whatever you decide

We did a surprise birthday party for Mum. We booked a private room, decorated all the tables including little table gifts and paid for a three course meal for everyone, the guests bought their own drinks from the bar. It was a lovely day.

How many people can afford to pay that much? No one needs to feel awkward. This is 2024, not 1924! When we have a milestone birthday meal we pay for our own, and the one whose birthday it is gets his meal paid for by the partner.

I'm planning my 60th. So, this is good info.

Looking at inviting up to 15.
I would like to ask for contribution of £10 each, which was suggested by a friend, whilst another suggested each person pay for what they eat.

The initial suggested menu is £23 a head, without drinks. I'll be covering non-alcoholic drinks.