Messed up my friends Hen Do

[CPRSavesLives]

I'm feeling so shit right now, I could really do with some support.

My closest friend is getting married soon. I was invited to the hen do, and I really didnt want to go. I suffer from PTSD and anxiety, and struggle in strange places and with people i don't know. This party is a whole weekend at an air bnb miles away from home and the only people I know are the hen and her 17 year old daughter. I've been really struggling with my mental health recently and have taken a couple of overdoses of my medications recently, but I'm trying to get better. Even though I really didn't want to go, and I told my friend I was worried about it, she was fairly insistent that I came, and that I'd be fine.

She'd asked her daughter to organise the whole thing as a surprise, but unsurprisingly it was a bit of a tall order for a 17 year old to organise everything so I stepped up to help her. The bnb was booked fine, and I helped arrange the budget, book a takeaway for the Friday night, a bottomless brunch for the Saturday afternoon and a grazing platter for the Saturday evening. I wanted the whole thing to be really special for my friend, so I suggested we booked some kind of entertainment for the Saturday night, and found a company that offered drag Queens or Butlers in the buff. My friends daughter loved the idea of the Butlers so we booked 2 guys for 1 hour with the intention that they would serve drinks and pose for pictures.

Anyway all goes well and here we are on the Saturday night. 2 butlers turn up and it all starts fine, they are serving drinks and playing cheeky games, the bride is loving it and although it gets a bit risqué it's nothing too terrible and everyone seems to be having a good time. After they'd finished they get dressed and hang around for a little while sharing some food from the platter- all good. Once they'd gone everyone was chattering away about it all in a positive light. Then suddenly the mood turns. My friends daughter says she felt uncomfortable playing the games, says one of the Butlers made her feel uncomfortable and starts to blame her mum saying she was too busy having a good time to notice her own daughter wasn't enjoying herself. I didn't notice either, she was up joining in the ganes and seemed to be having a great time, but hey she says she was uncomfortable so that's what she was.

So now mum and daughter are having a bit of a row about it, other people are joining in too and its all getting heated. I wait for a quiet moment and say that actually it's my fault because I was the one who'd suggested it, found the company online and helped the daughter to book it. Ive never been on a hen do before so I guess I just thought it would be fun. My friend turns to me and actually yells at me to stay out of it, like really shouts right at me. I was so shocked I just got up and walked out of the room, upstairs to the room I'm sleeping in and thats where I am now. I can't stop crying, I'm so upset and I just want go home, but I can't because I've had a few drinks, and even if I hadn't, my car is blocked in. I'm also sharing a room (and bed) with a lady I've never met before so I can't even just cry and cry, I need to try and hide that I'm upset.

My friends daughter knocked on the door and asked if I wanted to come down for a drink and I said no thanks, maybe i should have but I just can't face it. I feel so awful about causing this row, even though its all over now and I can hear them all giggling downstairs, and I'm so devastated that my friend shouted at me in front of everyone. What can I do to stop feeling so upset? How can I make it up to my friend after ruining her do? And how can I put this out of my mind so I don't do anything silly over the next few days, I live on my own so have no one who can help keep me safe.

Feeling very vulnerable and alone right now.

[UnwantedOpinionBelow]

Try to go downstairs, it's not your fault at all and drink is the worst for enhancing emotions. You'll feel a lot better if you can go down 💕

[TwigTheWonderKid]

You didn't ruin it, she did. Presumably everyone has been having a drink and things have got out of hand emotionally.

Please don't blame yourself. You are in no way responsible. Hopefully your friend will apologise but if she doesn't, it says more about her than you.

[Changingplace]

It’s not your fault though, just go back downstairs and carry on - your friend was having a row with her daughter about the situation not blaming you for booking it!

[Grimchmas]

I agree that the drink has made everybody more highly emotional.

Horrible as it is that your friend shouted at you, it sounds like nobody is actually angry with you, and you haven't ruined anything or done anything wrong. The daughter thought the butlers were a good idea and she seemed to be enjoying herself. You are not responsible for her. Your friend had emotions running high and she wasn't actually angry with you, she was emotional at her daughter, and you got caught in the crossfire.

I agree that you should go back down, it can't get any worse than your building it up in your head to be and I really do think it'll help you to get calmer.

Sending hugs. Xx

[JubileeJumps]

Definitely not your fault. I would say you’re pretty amazing - given your mental health- for organising it. Just go back and don’t take it personally - alcohol and teenagers and big life events are complicated things.

[Changingplace]

And how can I put this out of my mind so I don't do anything silly over the next few days, I live on my own so have no one who can help keep me safe.

This isn’t worth you feeling this upset about, if you go back down and see everyone you’ll feel better and realise this isn’t in any way to the levels you’re spiralling to.

[sprigatito]

Oh you poor thing, that must be your worst nightmare (it would be mine too)

First - you absolutely didn't cause this. Whatever is going on between your friend and her dd, it has nothing to do with you and I'm sure alcohol isn't helping anyone to behave rationally. You didn't deserve to be shouted at and you didn't ruin anything.

Yeah, the ideal scenario is that you go down and have a quick drink with them and smooth things over. No judgement from me if you can't do that though; I would find it incredibly hard.

[saraclara]

You did nothing wrong. If you can bring yourself to go downstairs, I think that would be the best thing. I imagine that the other hens will be feeling for you and will want to make you feel better.

Please don't let this affect your mental health. You did so well too help arrange this.

[MillicentTheMagnificent]

You haven't done anything wrong here. I imagine it was the drink speaking and she will feel awful tomorrow (even if she doesn't show it). Either get some sleep now or go down and hang out if you want to

It's OK to say no to future hens if they stress you out. This one would have really stressed me out too fwiw. I've declined hen invitations in the past when I've realised they would be too much

[IHateLegDay]

You have done literally nothing wrong. You have organised a wonderful weekend for everyone and the bride is being a complete cow for the way she spoke to you.
Please be kind to yourself

[CPRSavesLives]

I've never been to one before because I've always declined. I didn't even have one myself when I got married. My friend knows this, but everything I brought up how nervous I was she said it would be fine. The only reason I came is because its her and I love her, I certainly won't be going to another one ever!

[HalebiHabibti]

You didn't ruin anything, the DD was making it all about herself. When the DD came up to invite you back downstairs, that was an invitation to put it behind you all. It's OK that you didn't go down but is a bit of a shame as that would have been the quickest way to smooth it all over.

Never mind, just act like you normally would tomorrow (ie as if there wasn't an argument) and it will all be fine. Don't bring it up or you might be seen to be stirring.

[HalebiHabibti]

Also, you may be accused of making it about you by having walked out of the room and refusing to come back down. It's the sort of dig a defensive bride might make when felling bad for shouting at you.

If she does say that, all you can do is apologise for not coming back down but reiterate that you find emotional situations like that really tough and so just had to leave. You weren't trying to be pissy, you were just trying to hold it together.

Hopefully she won't tell you off, but if she does then it may help you to know she is not being fair (and that she probably knows it).

[CPRSavesLives]

I hope I didn't make a scene, they carried on rowing and I just slipped out. But you're right, I could have handled it better. I am just feeling worse and worse now.

[TempleOfBloom]

Look: their row has blown over, they are giggling and the Dd asked you to go down for a drink.

It wasn’t your fault, not at all. And it wasn’t your fault your friend shouted at you.

You slipped out… now wash your face and slip back down.

It’s all OK.

[CPRSavesLives]

Thank you everyone. We have to be out of here by 10 tomorrow so I'm just going to get up at 9, act normal and get going. I'm not going to go down now because its obvious I've been crying and I'm also not certain I wouldn't start crying again if I did go down, amd I really dont want to make a drama. I'm just going to brush my teeth, take my meds and get some sleep, I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. Thanks for all the supportive comments, and the not so supportive ones too, my friend is really lovely, but she's a lot drunker that me so hopefully it'll have faded out of her memory by tomorrow. I'll also add tonight on my list of reasons why I dont go to hen dos!



Sorry for cross posting, I just really wanted someone to reply as I felt so alone.

[IHateLegDay]

We're here for you and sending hugs and hand holds.
I really hope you get a good night's sleep xxx

[saraclara]

Sleep well. And I'm glad that you're starting to get it all in perspective.

Good luck for tomorrow. It'll be fine, I'm sure.

[Cascais]

Go down if you can

[OkImListening]

Then suddenly the mood turns. My friends daughter says she felt uncomfortable playing the games, says one of the Butlers made her feel uncomfortable and starts to blame her mum saying she was too busy having a good time to notice her own daughter wasn't enjoying herself

I feel bad for you, OP. If anyone should feel guilty, it should be your friend's daughter. Who even says this ⬆️?! IF she did feel that way, save it until after the hen do ffs!

I also think your friend was out of order shouting at you like that in front of everyone, it's humiliating. However, I suspect this is down to the amount she's drank tonight...

Getting up and acting normal is perfectly reasonable. (Hope hubby gives you a big hug when you get home tomorrow) x

[Changingplace]

Hope you’re ok this morning OP x

[YesThatsATurdOnTheRug]

That was awful of your friend OP, I really hope she apologises this morning.

[Moveoverdarlin]

Sounds like you handled it perfectly OP. When it kicks off like that, the bigger person walks away.

But you didn’t cause the row at all. Maybe the 17 year old did feel uncomfortable, and that’s unfortunate but ultimately the Mother must have wanted her there, not every mother would want their 17 yr old child subject to plastic willy straws, L plates and all the silly sex games that hen dos bring. Sounds to me like the daughter was keen to be involved and wanted a big shindig but realised she was out of her depth when she saw 40 year old women touching up a young lad with his ass out. Literally none of this is your fault.

[saraclara]

Sounds to me like the daughter was keen to be involved and wanted a big shindig but realised she was out of her depth when she saw 40 year old women touching up a young lad with his ass out. Literally none of this is your fault.

That. Especially if her mum was touching up the blokes (or otherwise embarrassing her)