Who to invite - DS's choice or the "nice" kids?!

[hnl]

I've just had an argument with my OH about who to invite to DS's birthday party. It's DS's 9th birthday and he's opted for go-karting. Numbers are limited to 12. As far as DS is concerned he's inviting his "best mates". Unfortunately most of them are not who my OH regards as the nicest kids in the class. Also, the majority have failed to invite DS to their parties so OH doesn't see why we should be paying for them to ride go-karts and eat pizza!
Now I do feel sad for my boy if he misses out on party invitations but I don't believe in not inviting kids just because they didn't invite DS to their party. It seems a bit petty. I think DS's behaviour may put other parents off because he has a diagnosis of Aspergers. He's very bright, fun and sociable so other kids love him but he can be hyper in new situations. Perhaps that accounts for the lack of invitations. Of course I've never been brave enough to ask another parent why he misses out - perhaps it's me they don't like!
OH is trying to edit the guest list and keeps suggesting "nice" kids to invite. My view is that it's DS's party so it's his choice.
What do others think? Should we try to choose DS's friends?

His party. You want him to be happy presumable.
So invite the friends he chooses.

Would you want a party where someone hasn't invited your friends?

DS's party, he gets to choose.

Birthday boy chooses. Tell dad to be a man & suck it up.

Thank you all. I shall inform OH that the collective wisdom is I am right and he is wrong, although I'm sure he knows that already!

Yep your right his party his choice..

OP, my dd is 9 yrs this year, and I've found that now they're this age, kids are having much smaller parties or no parties at all. So, my dd hasn't had many invites for the past year. I think they've been having sleepover parties with just a couple of kids, or a meal out with a few.
I was worried at first, but can see its just tailing off due to them getting older and parents not wanting to do big parties.
I'm with the others, invite who they want to invite.
I think, now our kids are older, we will have less control of who they like and don't like. I could get away with 'steering' dd a year or two ago, but not now.
Tell DH that at least those kids won't be in your house, it'll be at the karting place! That's one thing I suppose. Enjoy! x

My dcs are 9 and 10. They would hate a party where I invited the children I thought should come rather than the ones they wanted to come. What fun would that be?

I have just been disappointed by a close friend's son who failed to invite my DS to his party. This is not just a social friend, this is someone I regard as a close friend and whom I have helped out a huge amount over the last few years, in situations when she had no-one else to ask/turn to. In fact, I think that our friendship has been irrevocably damaged and that I won't be inclined to do her any future favours as a result. Our sons get along well, go to the same school, share the same classes and socialise/play with the same people. They are not best friends but I am offended because I see it not merely as a non-invitation but her value of our friendship. In the real world, it's not that simple - had she & I not shared so much history, I wouldn't have cared an iota! I would say, in some cases, it isn't just a party invitation/non invitation.

No question. At 9 he absolutely should be in charge of the guest list - I personally have always encouraged my dc to invite who they would like to to their parties, only ever come across the "ought to be invited" or "inviting people because they invited you" on MN.

myron don't you think it's an over- reaction, ok if your ds was the only one not invited out of his class, but just because you are close friends it doesn't mean your sons will be.

Myron - I find your attitude weird. I was always invited to one girls parties, she was in the year above me and no a special friend, but our Mothers were. I found that odd.

Children's birthday parties should be about their friends.

On the other hand I can understand feeling hurt when your child isn't invited to parties. But if we can't treat it in an adult way, what hope to our children have?

I think that if your DS has previously accepted invitations to other DCs' parties he must return those invitations when it is his party. This is basic good manners that everyone needs to learn.

Bonsoir - I think you are OTT.
First what about whole class parties? Do you either turn it down because you can only afford, cope with a small party? Or do you have to have a whole class party just because someone else does?

Second what if in October Freddy and George are the best of friends, so Freddy goes to George's party. By July Freddy and George are no longer friends, does Freddy still have to invite George to his party?

Also what if you child is invited to no parties? Does that mean they can't have a party?

At what point can you stop the reciprocating of invitations? Does it reset each school year? When they change schools?

myron its not about you! If the birthday child only had space for a certain number of children at their party, they should feel free to invite whichever friends they choose, not the ones whose parents are friends with their parents. Weird!

hnl yes, its totally your DS's decision - FWIW my DS chose not to invite one of his best friends for a sleepover as he knows he gets a bit hyper and would have made it hard work for me and not such fun for the rest of them, bless him. The boy (& his mum) may have been offended, but that was my DS's choice and he will happily have his friend to play another time on his own.

That's how it works in my DD's school...

I've heard of that on other birthday party threads, Bonsoir but just can't get my head round it.
Does the slate get wiped clean each new academic year?
So my September born dc would be allowed to invite whoever she likes to her party, but my June born dc might not even be able to invite his closest friend (July birthday) because all the places have "had to" have been filled up with people who invited him ? That's very weird logic.
Or is it ongoing year after year, so someone your child happened to like a bit in Reception, still has to be invited to your dc's party 4 years on, because you are never allowed to 'not reciprocate'?
myron that's completely OTT. Just because 2 parents are friends, it doesn't mean that their children will automatically be best friends ~ are you only friendly with the children of your parents' friends? ? ? No, I thought not.
At a birthday party, the child should be free to invite the children they are friendly with at the time of their party.

If you don't want to invite someone back, you can decline the invitation to their party in the first place!

Obviously there are friendships that wax and wane, but basically it works just fine!

My experience is that the so called "nice" children aren't always. And the poor children who get the reputation as the "bad" children don't always deserve it.
Go with who your dc chooses.

Go with your DS's choice.

At least for 9 out of the 11 invitations. You can make the other two (max) the DC of the parents you like best and with whom you are encouraging friendships - but only if DS is OK with them. Never, ever try to invite a DC your DS doesn't like.

@Bonsoir.... but that child wants the company of your child! How is that being 'nice' to say they can't go because of your odd ettiquette rules even though the host wants your child there, and your child is free and wants to go I can't follow that train of thinking at all.

Equally, some children seem to meet their soulmate on the first day and remain friends throughout, but many, many others drift in and out of friendship groups and are far less predictable. Surely nobody says to their ds or dd... "No, you can't go to x's party as I'm not 100% she is going to be one of your 5 favourite friends 10 months down the line when it's your birthday". Now that really is odd.

I mean - if the child doesn't want to go to someone's party. My DD doesn't accept all the party invitations she receives by a long shot!

I can see Myron's point, of course in an ideal world we would all be adult about this sort of thing but it does hurt; we have invited one of DS's friends (& we know the parents well) to so many parties, sleepovers, outings etc etc and he has never been invited back - I know in the scheme of things it is not a huge problem but the social etiquette is surely to invite people back at least once or twice?

Bonsoir I can't afford to give all my DCs a party every year, some years they may just have family round for tea and cake, other years they may have a couple of friends round for a sleepover - does that mean I should decline every invitation they receive too? That seems really unfair on my DC and on the friends who would like them at their party.

It's bad enough that each time one of them goes to a party it costs me £10 for a card and gift, but if I then had to reciprocate and invite every one of those DC when its my DCs' birthdays I'd be broke!

If you are not having a (big) party, for whatever reason, fair enough. The issue is when you are inviting 15 DC, your DC has been to 15 parties that year, but invites a different set or subset of 15 DC to his party to the ones whose party he/she attended.

So rude.