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Parties/celebrations

Whether you're planning a birthday or a hen do, you'll find plenty of ideas for your celebration on our Party forum.

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Original poster

leaving your ds/dd at a party on their own

65 replies

Moomin · 18/03/2006 00:18

was a bit gobsmacked today when dd went to a very big party (about 60 kids - nightmare!) with kids aged between 4 and about 6. There was a group of children from dd's pre-school, all aged 4. I took along another girl from dd's group with dd and of course took responsibility for them both. was a bit shocked to see another girl from same class being dropped by her dad and then he left, without having arranged for anyone to see to her. Between about 4 of us parents we sat her on our knees when she got upset at several points, i took her to the loo and made sure she had enough to eat.

She comes from a 'nice' family - mum always very friendly at school gates. I was shocked though that anyone could leave their 4 year old and expect her a)be ok, b)expect others to see to her needs without being asked. Of course, none of us minded but i was quite upset for her and thought it was a blimmin cheek of her dad. when i got home and told dh this he said that it has happened before at a previous party he took dd to.

anyone else a bit or is this par for the course?

OP posts:

spidermama · 19/03/2006 10:35

My ds turned four a couple of weeks ago and we had twenty kids his age around our house for his party. Only one parent stayed and that was because she's my friend. I must admit I thought a few more might stay to settle their kids in but they were all very happy to leave them. These were parents I didn't know who've never been to my house before.

There was no trouble and no kids got upset. I think this is quite normal actually. We leave them at nursery school after all.

I've left my ds at party's when he was three and now when he's four. I wasn't so relaxed with my first born and she was less confident in groups so I would often at least linger for a while ... but not these days.

spidermama · 19/03/2006 10:39

I also think parties are better with ten kids or fewer. The parties I've thrown recently have been too big and impersonal.

spidermama · 19/03/2006 10:44

OMG I can't believe some of you won't leave 5 and 6 year olds. My 5,6 and 7 year olds would be mortified if I insisted on staying.

Orlando · 19/03/2006 11:03

Spidermama--

HOW WAS THE WEDDING?!

Karenann · 19/03/2006 11:37

At the parties my son goes to (he is 5) and at his own party most parents stayed. the parents who don't stay have always let the host know they are going. I always asked for the their mobile number just in case. This is probably because the parties are in pubs/activity centres. The couple of parties he has been to in peoples houses - with less kids I have left him there (with full consent of host of course!!) can't believe people can just drop their kids off and go. Although at a party yesterday one mother dropped her son off and said she was going home for a sleep as she was tired!

mrsdarcy · 19/03/2006 11:38

A lot of the parties my boys have been to recently have been at the loathsome Wacky Warehouse. I usually stay (even though it makes my eyes spin) as it is open to the public as well as the party guests, so I want the boys more closely supervised than I would if it was at a church hall or somewhere where strangers would be noticed, iyswim.

Other partes, DS1 used to want me to stay at parties but now he is really embarassed if I do. DS2 has always wanted me to leave asap!

jenkel · 19/03/2006 12:17

I had a problem at a recent birthday party that my ds was invited too, his brothers wasnt invited as numbers were so strict, I couldnt even take him. I had arranged for a friend to look after the youngest one and take the oldest one to the party but the youngest one was poorly, so didnt feel it fair to leave somebody else to cope. I spoke to a lot of the mums and they agreed to all look after DS at the party and I stayed at home to look after the younger one. He is 3 1/2, I was really worried but apparently he was fine, no tears, nothing. But normally I wouldnt dream of doing this.

tigermoth · 19/03/2006 12:19

Once they start school I'd leave a child at a party, if that was ok with the host and my child was happy to be left.

When my ds2 was still at pre school (age 3 - 4) I used to compromise - say the party was in a sports centre, I'd go to the coffee bar, leave my mobile number and be on hand. Getting host's permission of course. I did this because I usually had my oldest ds (then aged 8) with me. I used to scan the room, see how many adults there were, see how much space there was and if I felt ds1 and I would take up too much room we'd go. Also, when it came to party food time I did not want the hosts to feel they had to feed my oldest son (or for my oldest son to watch all the littlies getting all the food and treats).

Another compromise that worked when ds 2 was 4 - 5 was to leave him immediately, but then arrive half and hour to an hour before the party ended, hopefully in time to quell any overexcitement.

Moomin, you say it was the father who left his dd. Do you think he felt outnumbered by lots of women and no men, or just had no idea some people might expect him to stay?

spidermama · 19/03/2006 12:24

'Scuse us ...

Hi Orlando. The wedding was ... well ... highs and lows.More highs than lows mercifully. I'm recovering. Laundry mountain to catch up on.

bakedpotato · 19/03/2006 12:37

Once dd started at nursery school, just short of 4, she made it very clear that she'd prefer to be left. I'm happy to oblige.

At her 4th bday party, 10 guests, I was hoping no parents would stay... didn't want witnesses as DH and I crashed and burned at musical bumps etc, but also bcs parents who turn up to parties tend to stand around at the edge of the room with cups of tea (guess who has to make those?) gassing away with their chums

PLUS kids are much better behaved/more willing to join in if they're on their own

Original poster

Moomin · 19/03/2006 22:30

interesting posts. i spose i've not had too much experience of this so far, ie this is the first year that dd1 has been to parties of children we don't know. every party she'd had before this has been a big free-for-all in our garden, with our mates and their kids invited, of all different ages. the parents have always stayed as we've made it a big social occasion rather than exclusively for kids. this year i was heavily pregnant, plus her b-day was only a week into term so we didn't have time/inclination to have organised anything for pre-school friends; she just had a pottery party for 8 of her mates outside of preschool.

the party we went to on friday was a NIGHTMARE in many ways. it was a joint party for 2 kids held at a village hall which opened up into a car park and down a drive to a very busy main road so it would have been relatively easy for a child to slip outside, esp as there is also a playground behind the hall which could be attractive to many kids.

about half of dd's pre-school seemed to have been invited and i'd say about 4 kids out of these were dropped off with no parent. as we know each other from the school gates we just grouped together and looked out for the kids we knew. there were 3 dads there who stayed, but i did wonder of the dad that didn't stay was nervous. IMO, tough! you could see when you went in what sort of a party it was going to be.

i could start a separate thread about the inappropriateness of the whole thing, it really beggars belief!! e.g. a dj who thought he was in ibiza who played 'who let the dogs out' and 'thriller' (for 4 year olds FFS!), who used strobe lighting, who tried to make them all learn dance routines and shouted at them when they got it wrong!!; who told them to sit at the tables - the food was all set out and the kids began to tuck in - then he told them they were only to have a drink and they had to leave the tables for another 15 minutes before food!!!! dd1 was crying her eyes out and i had to put hula hoops in my pocket to bribe her to come away from the table!

OP posts:

cutekids · 19/03/2006 22:40

haven't read full thread so sorry if i'm upsetting anyone. i have a 7 yr old daughter who i'm very protective of and panic when i leave her anywhere! however, i've had to make myself let her go and walk away! i have a 6 yr old son and a 5 yr old daughter too and - due to a fear of being left around a load of kids!- i let them go to their parties and i leave very,very quickly! I was discussing this with a mum the other week and she told me that she hates all the mums staying cos she feels she has to entertain them too...! and - i've just found out - that an awful lot of mums feel the same. think back to when you were a kid...did your mum stay to "ruin" your fun? my 7 yr old has informed me that it's embarrasing having mum around when she wants to play...!

cutekids · 19/03/2006 22:42

juliab · 20/03/2006 10:55

Moomin !! Think the dad leaving his kid was the least of that party's problems...

Original poster

Moomin · 20/03/2006 19:01

it certainly was!
I guess my original point was aimed at parents of younger children and at parties not based in anyone's home. I just think that 4 year olds need to be able to go to a certain someone if they are disorientated or scared, etc and they certainly need someone to take them to the loo! Ths toilets in this case were right at the back of the hall, not far from the door, so a child could easily mistake them. the toilet door was also heavy and i could just imagine a kid wetting themselves before they managed to push the door open and find the loo.

I cansee that in some cases it would be fine to leave your child, even as young as 4, as long as you were happy with the provision for them (e.g. in someone's house it's much more contained and there would always be an adult around). Even in a wacky warehouse i think they're a bit more safety-conscious and they make efforts to see that the kids are 'enclosed' and watched/supervised to some extent. Parties at village halls and the like could be dodgier i think. there were so many people there that anyone could have walked in off the street and it would have been ages before some children were missed . I'm not usually overly paranoid about this sort of thing but this party shocked me! plus the dad who left his duaghter clearly made NO provision for her care at all. She had no idea where the toilets were when she came to ask me to help her, so he hadn't made the effort to find this out.

OP posts:

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