Advice please- Sleepovers and the politics of the guest list

[chobbler]

DD has chosen her guestlist from children at her new school, children at her old school and friends from the neighbourhood.

She has excluded one girl from her year group. I already know this girl is the class thug and has never got on with DD since DD arrived at the school. Things have also gone missing from the cloakroom and been found in her bag etc. the head has also been called in to deal with her twice too, since we have been there.

There will be two sleepovers on consecutive weekends. I am concerned the thug will try to scare the others from school going to the second sleepover once she realises she is the only one without an invitation.

I've spoken to DD at length about what could happen if thug finds out and how she may be worse at school but DD is adamant she doesn't want her at either party.

What would you do?
Invite and hope she can't come
leave out and live with the consequences

dont invite her! the whole dynamic between the kids will change if shes there.

your daughter wont enjoy it and neither will her friends.

how many kids are we talking about here? and what age are they?

can you not have the school sleepover the first weekend?

Surely it's not nice to refer to a little girl as a thug - how old are the children?

I think it's really mean to leave one child alone out, sorry - although I do understand that you can't be friends with everyone etc. Difficult one but as a rule I try to avoid leaving one person out.

well, i'm afraid theres a 7 year old thug in my sons class, and i have seen him in action at other parties, and i would not invite him to any party i was throwing.

bloody do them good to realise their actions have consequences.

I agree not to invite the girl, afterall it is your daughter's birthday, a play date maybe, but not all night. I think if it had been a 2hr pizza hut party etc I would say she should invite her, but ensure they don't sit together. A sleepover in your house though is different. If this child really is not nice then it wouldn't be nice having someone to your own birthday whom you really don't like.

Having said that does your daughter have to invite every other girl. How big is the class. I can see that if there are only 5 other girls in the class then that would be the sort of number whom she might want to come anyway, if she is inviting 6 or more girls then I would say to her it is too many for a sleepover, especially if you don't know them that well, and get her to trim her guest list further or plan a different party to include everyone, with a few special friends for a non-birthday sleepover a few weeks later. Mine are still pre sleepovers anyway, and the thought of it makes me shiver already!

Thanks all, I had a phonecall from another invitees parent today, asking if thug had been invited, because they would not be coming if she was, so in a nutshell that settles it.

I wouldn't invite her to old school friends and neighbourhood kids sleepover as there will be two younger siblings there until bedtime, and I wouldn't be happy with her mixing with them bearing in mind her known behaviour.

PR- It isn't nice to refer to her as a thug. but a thug is someone who partakes in violent actions. In any case I gave her the benefit of the doubt when we arrived, but the tears of DD and the bruising after an attempted chinese burn, then DD's missing property afterwards was enough for me to take the view of the rest of the parents in the playground. Any words she now says to DD are spiteful as she blames DD for being found out about the theft by the class teacher and the banning of MM's. I do not call her thug in front of DD that would be wrong.

She cannot be stereotyped 'troubled child' as she isn't in some low socio economic grouping and comes from a stable home. Her parents have been called into school several times but do not believe that her behaviour is anything but high jinks and will not punish her/punishments are ineffective. The schools powers are limited but I wouldn't call her a bully unless you say she bullies the whole school, as her victims are random and rarely repeated. There maybe something going on at home that no one knows about but I am going on my encounters with the consequences of her actions and the fact that everyday once child in that school 'gets on the wrong side of thug'

Well, sounds like a nightmare - the school should be doing more to address her behaviour imo.

But you know socio economic background has nothing to do with whether or not you come from a stable home. Dysfunctional families are not determined by class...

I know, but it is sadly the assumption most people make- when I ran a preschool the naughty middle class children were all 'highly strung' and the often less naughty working class/ single parent perceived as inferior troubled children were labelled rioters by the very same mums who wouldn't control their highly strung children. A badly behaved child is a badly behaved child.

Until the parents acknowledge her behaviour is more than high jinks, and work with the school the only person who is really loosing out is the child itself. And that is the main problem the school has.

I agree that some children can display thuggish behaviour at a young age,

At the DCs school there is one child in Y3 who has, among other things:

• thrown a rock at another child's head
• pinned a child to the floor and repeatedly bashed their head against it
• stabbed another child in the neck with scissors
• knelt on a child's chest whilst strangling them

The school have been pretty powerless to act as the parents refuse to acknowledge that there is an issue with their "high spirited, free spirit"

LOL sounds like DD's old school, we gave up trying to get the school to do anything, then after two classmates A&E visits in a week amongst other things, we left ourselves. DD is far better off without the daily stress of being there.