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Parties/celebrations

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Original poster

Joint party - can one insist that both boys get a present?

26 replies

Poshpaws · 19/07/2010 18:43

DS1 and his good friend are having a joint party. Last year, they had one, but they had a seperate list of guests and we told each parent that they only need by a present for the child who invited them. All fine.

However, this year, the other mum insists that as the list has been jointly drawn up, then each boy should get a present from each guest. Keeping up?

Other mum has now gone on holiday and I am chasing up the RSVPs. However, because the majority of the guests are in DS1's class, the parents keep asking me 'What does DS1 want for his birthday?' and not mentioning the other boy. And I feel it is a bit rude of me to say 'Well, it's a joint party, so please get on for X as well'.

Any ideas of how I can handle this would be good so no boy is upset. Maybe we should state no presents at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Poshpaws · 19/07/2010 18:44

Oh, forgot to add that the invitation does state that it is a joint party.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 19/07/2010 18:46

I would let parents make their own minds up about who to bring presents for.

DrSpechemin · 19/07/2010 18:46

Are they both in the same school and friends with everyone who is coming?

I imagine that those who are friends with both will bring present for both and those who aren't won't.

I wouldn't worry about it too much - you can't 'insist' on present giving even if the other mum demands it.

nowwearefour · 19/07/2010 18:48

you cant possibly insist that both get presents! whomever receives a present should be grateful and that should be that!

skidoodly · 19/07/2010 18:48

No

overmydeadbody · 19/07/2010 18:48

Well it's up to parents whether or not they send a present at all, let alone get one for both boys.

The other mum can't insist on anything, presents are not some kind of right, they are an added bonus. She shouldn't be expecting them.

MegBusset · 19/07/2010 18:49

I don't think anyone has the right to insist on a present from anyone just because they've been invited to a party! I would consider it very rude to be told I had to bring a gift.

overmydeadbody · 19/07/2010 18:49

If DS were invited to a joint party, but only knew one of the children, I would only get a present for the child DS knew.

Northernlurker · 19/07/2010 18:49

How about you and your mate try teaching your lads not to expect presents at all? I think the other mum is totally out of order to insist on two presents per guest. I would buy for the child I regarded as having invited my child. If my child was definately friends with both I would buy two gifts. I would NOT buy two gifts because I was told to do so and I would think very badly of anyone who was rude enough to insist that I should!

scurryfunge · 19/07/2010 18:51

Who will be counting the presents? The parents or the children?

ASmallBunchOfFlowers · 19/07/2010 18:51

I really don't think that you can insist that parents (who may be short of money) should buy a present for each boy. Frankly, last year's sounds a much better arrangement.

Sorry. That's not much help, is it?

An after-thought. If you feel you have to keep the other grabby mum happy, could you bear to contact all the parents again and tell half of them that their present will be going to Boy A and the other half that their present will be going to Boy B? But even that's rather naff, I fear.

Original poster
Poshpaws · 19/07/2010 18:51

Thanks for the replies and I'm glad the everyone seems to agree with me.

I would find it very uncomfortable to ask the parents to make sure that each boy had something.

I will do as I was going to - let the parents decide who they will buy for

OP posts:
cat64 · 19/07/2010 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Poshpaws · 19/07/2010 18:53

Erm, NL, the boys don't expect anything . The other mum does. Not sure why you are judging the two 9 year-olds.

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Bluebell99 · 19/07/2010 18:55

What u did last yr was a better idea. How rude of yr friend. But when I took my children to joint parties, I have sometimes bought something for smaller for the child I didn't know. Maybe ask each parent to just bring one gift and share them between them?

notso · 19/07/2010 18:56

If she wanted each boy to get a present then she should've said on the invite that it was a joint party.
DS has been to two joint parties, one where we knew both children so got them both the same present and one where we only knew one child so gave them a present and got the one we didn't know a token gift.

Northernlurker · 19/07/2010 18:59

Poshpaws - you asked how this should be handled so that 'no boy is upset' - seemed clear to me from that comment that one or both children had been taught to expect presents. I'm relieved to hear that is not the case.

Original poster
Poshpaws · 19/07/2010 19:02

Ok, NL. I can see where you are coming from now .
I doubt either one would be upset. Probably me assuming that children will get upset if they feel they have not been given as much as another.

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Northernlurker · 19/07/2010 19:07

I doubt they'll notice - and if they do notice then they should be errrrmmmm discouraged from doing so Good to do that with other mum too tbh

Original poster
Poshpaws · 19/07/2010 19:11

lol re other mum.

She is lovely, but I did have a feeling when she told me that I would need to gently remind people that it was a joint party.

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cat64 · 19/07/2010 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

whitecloud · 19/07/2010 19:20

Poshpaws
When we had a joint party for dd and friends we made a point of saying that parents should not feel obliged to buy a present for each child - only for their friends. It worked well. Agree with other posters - very rude to demand presents. Has it occurred to other Mum that it might put people off letting their children go to party if they are strapped for cash and can't afford two presents?
Think the parents might be more upset than the children!

Original poster
Poshpaws · 19/07/2010 19:25

I know, cat64, that is the difficulty. The majority of guests are DS1's friends. He and this boy (X) have been good friends since Reception, but are in different classes. However, X has very recently (and I mean in the last few weeks)started playing with some of the boys that DS1 has been playing with over the last 2 years and I think that is why the mum thought a joint list was a good idea and believes that these boys should have a present for DS1 & her son. It sounds confusing, doesn't it?

I shall stick to a few friends and pizza for DS1 next year, I think .

Am seriously toying with the idea of stating no presents at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poshpaws · 19/07/2010 19:27

WC that is what we did last year and I agree, it worked well for us. Should have done the same this year. Ah well, one lives and learns and at least DS2 and 3 will not have joint parties if I can avoid it

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LynetteScavo · 19/07/2010 19:31

I don't think you can insist they bring any gift at all, for anyone.

Of course, it's very nice if party guests do bring a gift, and personally I would take a gift for both boys if my DC were invited. But you should never expect a gift, even if it is usual party etiquette.

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