Help me better communicate with my adult children

[hooyah]

I am mum of two boys 17 nearly 18 and 20 and in the last few years, I really feel like our relationship has suffered to the point where we don’t chat anymore, I feel like they’re constantly avoiding me and don’t really like me. This is obviously upsetting and I’ve been talking to my husband about it at length initially looking for support asI feel they are actually quite rude to all times But it basically ended up him telling me I need to reframe the way I communicate with them as I’m driving them away.

Well, this doesn’t take away from the fact I think my husband should be more vocal if they are disrespectful to me, I also have to acknowledge what he’s saying and maybe need to think about reframing the way I communicate with them but struggling to basically change what I think who I am and what I say.

A couple of examples - When we were on holiday, the boys went on a night out absolutely fine, and when I asked about how their night was, they also mentioned they hired bikes to get home. This was a 30 minute cycle through a city Centre and they had both drunk a fairly significant amount & I commented that they shouldn’t have hired bikes and cycled after drinking so much. This of course killed the conversation and my oldest said Christ I wish we’d not said anything.

another day we spent at the villa the two boys literally stayed indoors all day Watching films and on their phones., I expressed dissatisfaction that we’ve spent all this money on a holiday for them to stay indoors. Dc got annoyed and gave very curt/rude responses.

these are very minor, but you get the gist. I think the problem is I do nag. I do struggle to let go but I also parent and want to keep them safe but I can’t seem to find the balance.

any advice?

With all due respect Op you sound as though you are nagging them. You are right of course they shouldn't have hired bikes after drinking, but you should have let it go when they got home safe. You are cutting conversation dead by responding negatively, try responding more positively and see how they react

A good start. I spoke to my husband beforehand so he knew I was trying to make an effort to change but decided against saying nothing to the boys as it didn’t feel the right time but not to say, I won’t.
I’m really having to make a conscious effort not to comment on things, so I think it will be process But hopefully we’ve turned the corner. A pack of cards was a great idea As we were just sat around chatting and playing cards for the whole evening without any arguments. Thanks again, everyone

Well done! I just wanted to say it’s really admirable that you’re taking the initiative to change. My dad criticises and judges EVERYTHING I do, not necessarily to be nasty. Just because that’s “the way he is”.

of course it’s not “the way he is”… he just chooses to behave that way.

I avoid seeing or speaking to him as much as possible because of it. (I’m 38)

You’ve possibly just completely changed the trajectory of your relationship with your sons 💕 wishing you all the best xx

This sounds like excellent progress @hooyah, long may it continue. We always play UNO on holiday, every year, almost every night. You would think they might have tired of it by now, but they’re the ones who request it!

So glad you’re feeling a bit more positive, it all sounds optimistic, and well done, it’s not easy but you’ve taken the first step.

I read a comment on here once which was you’re changing from the director of your children’s lives to the spectator which I found really helpful.
Good luck!

I have 3 adult sons. When they were young adults I really didn't know how to relate to them in a new way. I asked a friend of mine who had a fantastic relationship with her adult kids. She said that if it's not loving,supportive or respectful, you don't say it. I think respecting them as adults is the key here. I have lived by this ever since and have a very good relationship with all 3.

Sorry but your alternatives still come over as nagging. Non-nagging would be 'oh right, were the bikes any good, how long did it take?'.

My daughter is 14 and as soon as l say anything disapproving, she clams up. She even said to me once if you always tell me what l did was wrong, l'm not going to tell you anything.

So as hard as it is, l only give advice or opinion when asked for!

It sounds like you should try to recall being their age, how your parent/s sounded to you and how you felt and reacted, whether F2F or not. We as parents of our children of a certain age must realise we have years of experience on them and I do believe most of us expect them to have our knowledge, but they don't and won't until they gain that experience, good or bad. Take a step back OP, and start to be self aware of the negativity of your comments. I bet you start to notice alot more negativity than you think. Give them some space and check your criticising, that can cause some long term issues, and has started with the state of your relationships with your boys. By the sounds of it, your husband is fed up with it too. Must be tough living with 3 grown men but we do work differently and they need to know you come from a place of love, but behaviour changes are needed.

Are you fun in any way? You come across as over worried and boring....

Stop criticizing your children. They only hear you saying you don't like them, you don't trust them, and they are screw-ups. You need to praise what they did that was good and bite through your tongue on anything you want to critique. Once you've learned that skill, you can learn how to use healthy reminders of safety. But not until you've mastered the skill.

Edit, fixed spelling mistake

@hooyahI’ve just been wondering how things are going for you all? I’m hoping you had a great holiday and things are going well on the positivity front!?

I think this age is tricky - my kids over reacted to normal comments as they were expecting dh and I to tell them what to do. They were fighting with something that didn’t exist - so even if you can stop be prepared for a reaction to nothing.
I will call out eye rolls and tell them to use their words to communicate respectfully, as adults are expected to do, rather than eye rolling like a petulant child. And I hate the word nag what a way to refer to yourself and/or the way you communicate, do you allow them to use it?
The tricky thing about this age - is you’ve got to distinguish between house rules that they are expected to comply with as an adult living in your house, that refers to how they treat you and your home, you have a right to demand adherence to these - everything else is on them.
But the parenting is not done, it’s just more on a basis of when they ask for it.

A simple thing is that when they do start talking to you, stop and listen. They could be talking about football, the weather or something on the new, but whatever it is, make time for them.