Has anyone tried family therapy with an adult child?

[StrumpersPlunkett]

I have had a variable relationship with my eldest son, he is either confiding in me and calling every day, or furious at me.
We have been trying to get to the bottom of it for years and each time we do, he begins with a list of all the things Ive done to upset/disapoint him since he was about 10 years old.
I have by no means been a perfect parent but I do have 2 children and the other one regularly will comment that he has no idea what his brother is going on about.

I am aware that each child has an individual relationship with their parents so just because it was ok for one doesn't mean it was for the other, however it does pull me back from feeling incredibly depressed by how I have damaged my son.

He explained tonight that the main reason these things have never been processed is that each time he tells me all the things Ive done wrong, I react emotionally and get upset for failing him.

So, to the point of my post.
I think we have agreed that in order to attempt to stop this cycle we should go to a family therapist. I have made contact with a couple.

I wondered if there is anyone else out there who has been through this process and could offer some guidance/ hand holding as I help my son deal with the things making him so angry.
Thanks in anticipation.

hopeful bump

I haven’t done this but I think it’s a brave step op but one which should be approached with caution.

I think your son certainly deserves a calm space in which he can address these things and a calm response from you which is objective, thought through, and non-emotional.

However, I think it really depends on the age of your son and the issues that he is complaining about.

A therapist in an attempt to be fair to both of you might validate some of your son’s complaints that aren’t worthy of validation in reality. Young adult sons and daughters are meant to go through a period where they reject their parents and their values in order to split away and form their own independent adult personality. This is normal and healthy. And given time, with a bit of wisdom and maturity, adult children come to understand the good intentions behind their parents’ actions more fully., even if the parents didn’t get it right 100% of the time.

On the other hand, if your son does have valid grievances, then going through this process might be very helpful. I would certainly choose a therapist who is older, who has life experience and has brought up dc themselves though.

Can I ask, where is your sons’ dad in all of this? Why isn’t he copping some of the flak?

I haven't been the parent in the situation, but the child. We had FT a good few decades ago. It was very helpful (but because of outdated philosophies and changes in approach to certain issues now, also did some harm - but that should have no bearing on your situation).

The first thing your OP makes me wonder is whether this is your eldest DC in question? It's often the case I think, that when child no2 comes along, child no1 feels displaced and it can leave scars. A good therapist will get to the bottom of it. As with most family conflict, communication will be key. So for starters, him telling you you did xyz wrong and you getting upset by it - I imagine a therapist will help him explain how whatever it was made him feel (rather than focus on what the action was and there being blame) and do some work with you both at how to communicate your feelings around this.

If there are/were no major incidents that you're aware of, then I'd guess it's just more down to him feeling listened to, and communication in general.

Thanks for the replies.
my sons Dad and I are very together and always have been.
no major incidents at all.
ds has been angry with the world for most of his life. He broke doors and put holes in his walls whilst he was a teenager.
we managed things the best we could but of course at times we got the response wrong.
I think the reason it is me his anger is focussed on is that I have always been quite apologetic.
I had a mental health crisis when he was 3.5 and tried to not be here any more as I didn’t want to damage my kids the way my parents had, so I guess although I try to be calm each time he reels off the list of my misdemeanours I find it really hard.
im also very aware that this is my baggage not his and he is allowed to vent.
I have asked in my initial contact with potential therapists for my husband to be included if possible. Do you think that is a mistake?
thank you so much for being kind.

And yes he is the older child.

I'm sorry to hear you went through that OP, it must have taken a lot of strength to come out the other side. I would imagine DS issues probably do stem from that time (and poss explain why your youngest is less affected, due to age). Possibly, when your reserves were low, you prioritised the youngest, and at a time when DS1 was processing normal feelings of being replaced by a sibling.

Fine to have your dh there if you both want, it's good that he is open to it. I'm sure the therapist will help you work out if it's necessary for every session. I'd say family therapy is just what you need - some skilled support to explore all of this in a healthy and safe environment. It takes a lot of guts to do, hats off to you. It'll not be easy, but it will be worth it.

Thanks for your kindness

Eeek we have made contact with someone who might be able to help.
I guess I’m worried that if I can’t give ds everything he needs in this process it will compound his anger and disappointment in me.
argh!

I think you need to work out what role your guilt plays in your life and your family dynamics.

When you have a better understanding of that, you can let the guilt go. You can drop it. Leave it behind. Embrace a better, more productive emotion instead, like acceptance, and look forward not back. Same for your son with his guilt / bitterness / regret / anger.

A good therapist will help you out of the rut.

Good luck

Thank you

I think you are doing the right thing op by reaching out for help and and hopefully engaging in family therapy reaps rewards.

I think bringing your dh along for moral support is a good idea. If your son’s anger is focused mainly on you though op, does your dh step in and defend you now?

You say that your son has been angry with the world for most of his life. A good therapist should pick up whether it is your son who needs therapy on his own to work on his own issues. Or detect whether there is something else going on with him?

Your son sounds very angry and it’s not pleasant to have to deal with that and walk on eggshells. You were vulnerable because you had a mh problem, and although your eldest son may have been severely impacted by your depression, and has a right to express his feelings about that, he should come to understand when he is mature enough, that you didn’t set out to cause him hurt intentionally. You were ill.

Good luck op! If your eldest son cannot overcome his anger and continues to smash things and uses you as a something to abuse to make himself feel better then please get in touch with PEGS UK https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

Quite rightly, society nowadays is very skewed towards helping children in the family setting, as their wellbeing should be our priority above everything else. However, the reality is that child to parent abuse also exists and is more prevalent than we care to imagine. Take care op 💐

He explained tonight that the main reason these things have never been processed is that each time he tells me all the things Ive done wrong, I react emotionally and get upset for failing him.

I think this is something that needs to be raised with the therapist, your reaction is not unusual by any means. I'm not sure how he expects you to react.

Thank you so much for your supportive words.
we will take things gently and see where we get to.
my husband and I have talked about my concern that my sons healing can’t come at the expense of me being back in the state I was in 2008 so it will be a balancing act.
we plan to be very open and clear with the therapist about that.

Good luck op. Sounds as though you have good clarity and insight on this. Wishing you well with it all 💐