Paying for family holidays when adult children have different finances

[Fairystepsthought]

What would you do?
we are a blended family - dsd 25, dss 23, ds 14 and dd 12. Dsd living at home indefinitely having been living abroad but got herself into financial pickle so trying to regroup with our financial assistance. Dss self sufficient working in London. We are going on holiday in December- currently just the 4 of us. Dss is able to have leave and would like to come. He missed out on a family holiday a few years ago as his job and career got off the ground. Dsd has debt and is living rent free with us (since Jan ) while she tries to pay off debt and save for her own place. Would you pay for them to come on family holiday? Ask them to contribute? How do you treat them the same when things are so different financially for them? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Assuming it was affordable, I'd pay for them all.

If affordable I would pay for everyone.

Yes, I think the only way that works is if the parents pay for everyone.

I would pay for them all aswell.

Yes I'd just pay for them both. You'll have to for DSD and then it seems wrong to penalise DSS because he's earning and building up his career.

In this situation, i would pay for everyone.

Or if you cant, have a quiet word with dss a out what you can do and how his sister simply cant pay and his help for his costs woild be appreciated.

If it was self catering - I'd ask both of them to buy and cook dinner one night each. The younger kids could help too. But pay for everything else.
I'd find some way for them all to contribute - if even just £50 each.

I think if you are taking all 4 DC with you then you have to pay for all 4 DC.

There is no other way to do it without causing resentment.

Adults pay under 18’s don’t.

I would pay for under 18s only. Ridiculous for parents to be supporting a 25 year old! She couldn’t even be classed as a young adult anymore. Sounds like you’re already doing her a massive favour by letting her live with you and helping her out of debt.

Whatever you do don't penalise DS's because he's making a success of his life. That would be very wrong. I'd pay for all of them.

I agree.. if DSS is working in London he could be paying through the nose for accomodation and transport costs and might not have much left over. The key thing is that he wished he'd been able to come previously and really wants to join you all now, which is a compliment to his family really.

I liked a pp up thread's idea (sorry I can't find the post again) of asking the kids to contribute by cooking dinner once or twice. Or if DSS is feeling flush, he could pay for a round of drinks or something.

We paid for the bulk of a recent family holiday but one of our DC and partner paid for a local cuisine cooking class to say thank you and it was a really fun night. It was more that they organised the whole thing as a surprise.

In your shoes I'd grab any chance to still have a family holiday together... as they all get different jobs and live in different places it becomes harder to organise.

We’ve paid for a villa in the past but they paid for flights and everyone chipped into for food. Mine have very different financial circumstances but it’s not fair to penalise the one who has a good career and equally those who are quite frankly choosing to take an easier path career wise don’t get a free meal ticket

My DS is 23. He wouldnt want to come on holiday with us. My DD is 18 and even she would be borderline.

If i could afford some huge gesture of a holiday for them, fine. Otherwise i think they would rather have some money as a gift instead. Sounds like that might be good for your dsd and your dss probably wouldnt say no either.

They are adults.

I'd pay for everyone if that was possible.

I'd pay for e everyone. If they weren't step children, would you still question it??

Might be the wrong way to look at it, but if my sibling was living rent free whilst I wasn’t, and then they also got the holiday paid for them, whilst I didn’t. I’d feel a little put out by that.

Your dsd can’t afford a holiday if she can’t even pay you rent/help out with bills!! I bet she’s still going out with her friends and buying nice makeup products and clothes etc isn’t she? So no at her age she’s being ridiculous and needs to grow up and until you treat her like the adult she is she won’t!! If she can afford to go on holiday then she starts paying rent!! Simple as. You’re doing her NO favours at all!! She needs to learn to budget and live within her means and if that means no nights out for a year or 2 then that’s what it takes!! The rest of us who can’t afford shit we don’t need have had to learn this! She’s not a child anymore! Shes nearly 30!!! If your DSS wants to come let him but he needs to pay for himself. Dsd can come next year once she’s sorted her shit out, grown up and moved out like the rest of the adults in the world

This is the exact disparity I've dealt with for 25yrs since meeting my DH. He is also part of a blended family.

Your kids/step children all pay their own way, or you pay for all. Don't penalise the hard working ones by giving the free loaders yet more free things!

I have 3 adult DC, 2 of whom are working and earning reasonably well, and one who lives with us with no income ((ADHD/ anxiety etc, he is still work in progress at 25). Last summer we all went away for a week together. DH and I paid for the accommodation, and the older 2 chipped in for meals out, takeaways, entry fees etc. They were more than happy to pay their way, and to treat their brother without making him feel a burden.
Obviously if you can afford it, it would be nice to pay for everyone, but presumably the earning stepchild will offer to pay for a few meals out? For mine, it was a matter of pride to be able to do so. In your case, as they are stepchildren, it would be for DH to have a chat with them about expenses.

If I wanted everyone to come, I'd try to choose a holiday where I could afford to pay for everyone. If I couldn't afford that, I'd still pay for the 12 and 14 yo as there's no other way they can go and you can't leave them home alone. (I wouldn't have thought I'd have to say that, but just to be clear since there are replies here saying everyone should pay.) I'd figure out what I'd need from each of the adult children to make the trip feasible and tell each of them, separately and privately, what they'd be expected to pay (same amount for each). If they declined to go, I'd respect that.