19 year old. Risks

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Ongoing issues with DS (19) been using cannabis every day for several years. Refuses to see GP. Keeps smoking in his bedroom despite the fire risk and disgusting smell. This morning I could not find the toaster. It was in his bedroom, on the bed and plugged in! A massive fire risk, just ridiculous behaviour. He is asleep most days while 3/4 pm. If he does go bed at 11/12 pm he wakes at about 3am.
We have tried loud alarms and going upstairs and waking him up. This is met with shouting and swearing.
He tried college at age 16 and could not manage it. I'm struggling to find any possible suitable housing solutions. The people he mixes with - he would let them in and the place would be a huge mess. He cannot manage money but refused a social worker. I am his appointee for his Universal credit but his money is his own and he chooses to waste it

I’m sure you’ve done this already, but as someone who did similar things as a teenager… have you asked him why he’s doing it?

I was self harming, drinking to excess, overdosing on anything I could get my hands on, as well as smoking weed daily. All to numb the pain of being sexually abused by a family member. Neither of my parents ever asked me why I was behaving like that. Mind you, neither of them tried to get me help either, so you’re doing a much better job than mine did already.

I hope and pray that nothing like what happened to me has happened to him - but having an honest conversation about how he feels could give you some starting point. (This is assuming you haven’t done that already of course x)

So sorry you went through all of that Outside. I hope you’ve managed to find some peace now

@TinyMouseTheatre thank you so much. What I’ve found is absolute bliss - my forever person, 2 beautiful children, a loving home. And importantly, the choice of who has the privilege of being in my kids’ lives and who doesn’t. What more could anyone ask for in life. Feel like I’ve won the lottery 🫶🏻

Local youth service might be able to give advice about housing options.
Shouting and swearing at you is unacceptable regardless of what else is going on in his life. He is old enough to know that.
Establishing some ground rules at home might be the kick up the backside needed to get him making some plans for the future. In my experience if parents make the family home too comfortable, young people without inner motivation lose all incentive to launch. Then nobody is happy

What was he like at school before age 16?
Is there neurodivergence in the family? Has this been suggested before for your DS?

I’ve seen this with teens and adults with ADHD, self medicating with cannabis and problems with sleeping as well as impulsive and sometimes reckless behaviour and money issues too.*

If you suspect neurodivergence then maybe it’s worth looking at local support groups for yourself (as DS won’t engage) to see what they suggest. There will be other parents there who’ve been through what you have (and in some cases, adults who were that teen struggling to cope who have come through it). They can also discuss housing options too.

*If there is trauma in his background, this can present as ADHD type symptoms or exacerbate them.

Has ADHD or Autism entered the chat yet....?