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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Struggling to get on with DD19

7 replies

Summersoul · 05/04/2026 09:42

My DD19 is genuinely the loveliest person so kind and caring. .except with me. I adore her and would do anything for her but I just seem to irritate her constantly. This has definitely become worse since she went to uni as when she's back her behaviour is unnecessarily snappy just to me. I really don't know what I'm doing that's grating her?l I've tried to ask but it always ends up in an argument. Any advice?

OP posts:
Hillsmakeyoustrong · 05/04/2026 10:02

Hi OP, sounds upsetting and confusing. Must be difficult when you look forward to having her home to then be snapped at. Is it all the time? Or just now and then? Do you think she finds it difficult to be back in her home town/home for some reason and you get the brunt? Or do you think its s mum/daughter thing?

I have 9 year olds but for a long time i was legal guardian to a teenager and i was mum in all but name. At around 20/21, her behaviour became similar to your daughters, lovely to all but me, very hurtful. She moved out before covid struck which was a blessing (though i didnt feel that way at the time) and she is now an independent 27 year old who i have a great relationship with. I dont know what happened in that 2 year period, we have never discussed it, but i think it was a time of great change for her with a lot of internal processing which she did at home and me trying to engage with her, interrupted that. Im sure i just annoyed her as well as adults living together inevitably do.

AppropriateAdult · 05/04/2026 11:16

I think this is a really common dynamic at this age - she’s moved away to uni where she is (at least superficially) living as an independent adult, then she comes back home and both resents taking on the child role again and also thinks she knows better than you about pretty much everything. The late teens/early twenties can be quite a selfish, egotistical age; it’s not really about you. It’ll pass.

Imgoingtobefree · 05/04/2026 11:54

I think it’s very natural for adult children to find their parents irritating, they’ve been hearing them say the same things all their lives. As the saying is, familiarity breeds contempt.

As parents we often don’t feel the same way, our child’s personality has changed so much since they were born, that their views haven’t had time to grate. Plus our love is more unconditional.

I think when younger, children have the same worldview as their parents, but part of growing up is deciding for themselves - and that can mean actively rejecting some of our views.

You don’t say what sort of things she is snapping at that you say. I remember once getting irrationally irritated by my mother fussing about me wearing a scarf because it was cold outside. I was married and got myself dressed everyday so it felt like I was still a child.

Its very easy to get into a negative spiral, and only you can change things by changing your behaviour, you can’t make her change hers.

She may be meeting lots of people with many different world views re politics, society etc. Just accept that this is just a part of her journey to adulthood, and as she gets older she will learn to deal with this sort of thing with more patience and kindness.

Sometimes adulthood is rejecting everything about our parents, before coming full circle and realising they’re not that bad after all.

It’s a normal phase they go through and it will pass.

Miranda65 · 05/04/2026 11:58

Well, obviously it's completely normal, but maybe you are too full on, OP? If you are showing her that you "adore her and would do anything for her", that could be tremendously cloying and suffocating for any young person.
Just play it a bit cool and treat her as what she is - another adult.

Summersoul · 06/04/2026 11:33

Miranda65 · 05/04/2026 11:58

Well, obviously it's completely normal, but maybe you are too full on, OP? If you are showing her that you "adore her and would do anything for her", that could be tremendously cloying and suffocating for any young person.
Just play it a bit cool and treat her as what she is - another adult.

Yeah to be honest I probably am way too full on. Good advice thank you

OP posts:
SLAMSreadmore · 08/04/2026 05:58

You have my sympathy- dd is like this, and many of my female friends say the same of their dds and the bad news is that so far this has continued as they approach 30 😩
My approach, after putting up with it for a peaceful life for too long, is to call it out and tell her how it makes me feel and that helps, she stops for a while and then it starts up again but I now hit every shitty comment head on - not to argue but just asking are we back to shitty comments stage again is enough to nip it in the bud for a while. I have the support of dh too because she will try to get him on side. Ideal world she’d move out but for various reasons that’s not practical. But I won’t tolerate it now and I’ve told her if she can’t keep her attitude in check she will have to move out. First time I confronted her - she was very upset - said she’d no idea how badly I felt - it’s not easy to live with someone who treats you with contempt and it wasn’t easy for her to hear that’s how she made me feel.

BreakingBroken · 08/04/2026 06:43

It’s a phase, usually rights itself by 25.

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