In despair this evening trying to support severely depressed adult son.

[jojojoeyjojo]

My son is in his mid twenties and has diagnoses of bipolar disorder, ADHD and severe dyspraxia. He first became unwell at the age of 16 which massively disrupted his education resulting in him acquiring no qualifications despite being quite bright. He has never worked and apart from
one short-term, chaotic relationship has never had a girlfriend. For many years he self-medicated with cannabis and ketamine and mainly lived with his dad (we are separated). He has had patchy support from mental health services…it wasn’t too bad when he was under 18 but support as an adult has been pretty non-existent. Even after a suicide attempt a couple of years ago he just got referred back to our GP who has been supportive, but limited in what they can provide. We are paying privately for ADHD medication and just cant afford any further private care.
At the end of last year he moved back in with me to get away from the drugs and has cut contact with all his friends - they all took drugs but without the underlying serious mental
illness were able to function and work etc.
He is severely depressed now….he is incredibly isolated, doesn’t go out and feels so anxious all the time. He is suicidal and i have called the crisis team a couple of times but they have been disorganised and ineffectual. One member of that team did apologise to me yesterday for their failure to communicate the outcome of a MDT meeting which was just to add him to yet another waiting list. He has been waiting months for a medication review with a psychiatrist for example.
i have tried to stay strong and positive for 8 years but today i just feel despair that anything is going to change. He feels despair and just keeps saying he’s fucked up his life, has achieved nothing and cant go on with his miserable existence. Without the numbing effect of drugs, his situation feels hopeless. I feel tearful and exhausted and have run out of suggestions/encouragement/hope…
He is too anxious to leave the house, engage with any sort of support groups and wont go to stay at his dad’s or sister’s to at least give me some respite.
I don’t really know why I’m posting.. i know no-one has the answer but just wanted to write it down.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so awful when they feel despair and you feel there is nothing you can do to help them, and you want to tell them that getting as far as they have is an achievement.
is he interested with gently taking a step towards a qualification? There are access courses he can do online that would give him entry into university if that was something he wanted to have as an option. Sometimes you just need the outline of a plan or a way to see that another future is possible.
maybe even just having small goals for the day - a walk, a bus ride to the supermarket, anything to get his confidence back.
don’t run out of hope, but also make sure to keep hold of something of yourself. You cannot fix this, only he can.

Thank you x

Do You think he might do a Narcotics Anonymous online meeting? He needs support desperately by the sound of it. You might also want to look at Nar Anon UK or Families Anonymous that provide support for families.
Are there any local drug support organisations? Sometimes they provide online counselling that he might find easier to access.

There’s a lovely short book called climbing out of depression by Sue atkinson which may be helpful.
it sounds so hard but at this time when he seems to feel hopeless, try to hold some hope that things will get better, or even if you’re struggling to believe it please keep expressing that to him.
if he’s not going out I would encourage very small steps at home. Anything that can bring a glimmer of joy. Putting on a favourite jumper. Watching a tv show. Cooking something. Playing with the dog. If he can do those things already then he may be able to step it up a bit eg an online course. Doing meaningful tasks, showering and brushing teeth, breathing fresh air, exercise inside if needed, any conversations with you or others, are all shown to make a difference
Hope you’ve got a friend or family member to support you x

Do you have any local church nearby that you could ask for support. Even if you dont go there, you can go there and ask for help and they will be willing to help, come and offer support and prayers.

@jojojoeyjojo I’m so sorry for you and your son. It’s very difficult.
If you don’t already belong I suggest you join a private Facebook group called Sunflower Parent Support. There are many (too many 😞) parents going through the same thing but they can offer practical support and it also helps you feel less alone.

Do you feel any better today @jojojoeyjojo- I think many of us with nd kids have very low moments. Here when you need a handhold.

Thank you so much to everyone who has commented and made some useful suggestions..thank you! I will definitely check out the book and facebook group. I am feeling a bit brighter today..just got to hold on to hope that things will get better. He has just started on some new meds..Sertraline…so hoping they might help with his anxiety although the nurse prescriber advised can take up to 12 weeks to feel full effects. My eldest daughter is very supportive..she lives in London but i can vent to her although i try not to do that too much as i dont want to bring her down or burden her too much.

The Samaritans are there for you at anytime @jojojoeyjojo 116123 💚 you can off load there without having to hold back or feel that you are burdening your daughter. Any of you can call them whenever you need to. It’s like a free counselling service but without advice xx

This reminds me of my son (ADHD and dyspraxia). He has been taking about being better off dead but refuses to see doctor. I finally got him to see someone when he had a huge meltdown. Anyway, what I came on to day is that when I feel like this (I also have depression), I want someone to take control and tell me what to do. I think I was tiptoeing around DS so as not to upset him or cause a meltdown but I've got a bit tougher on him. I've called him out on swearing at me, I've got him to cut down on gaming and do more productive things, he's come up with a schedule (albeit wake up at 12.30pm). Next stop is looking for night work (he's a night owl) but I definitely need to get him out as staying inside is doing him no good. His retail contract wasn't renewed last year in August and he suffered a big blow to his confidence. His been at home since then, won't sign on as doesn't want to look for work.

How are you getting on Op? Is your son getting in with the sertraline?

Ah @fouroclockrockthanks so much for checking in..thats so kind! He’s doing OK on sertraline..no side effects and definitely feeling less anxious which is great. His mood is still quite up and down but hes been more positive overall. He is starting 6 weeks of counselling with a drug and alcohol charity on Thursday which i hope will help. Six sessions will just scratch the surface i think but hopefully might kick start or signpost to some further support.

Just for tonight .. ca you take him out to something? Live music, pub quiz or even… bingo? Different atmosphere from home and some concentration ..

I know he is controversial as heck but Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for life might really appeal to a logical, rule based person’s ability to start taking some steps to help themself.

I read it as a bit of a challenge to my own thinking because I’m a feminist and I really disliked the sound bites I was hearing from JP so I had a preconceived idea that I wouldn’t like it but actually the book is a really basic guide to help particularly young men take steps forward when they are struggling to find a path.

I think it might help him.

He really sounds like he needs some small wins so I’d focus on that for now rather than the bigger issues.

Can I ask, did he start smoking drugs at 16 when the medical issues began? i do honestly believe there is a correlation between smoking weed, and mental health problems . Hopefully if he has kicked that habit his mental health will significantly improve.

If he has bipolar disorder he shouldn't be on an antidepressant like sertraline without a mood stabiliser or antipsychotic to balance it out. The risk of mania is too high otherwise. @jojojoeyjojo is he on another med as well?

@Tumbler2121thank you ..we are planning a trip to cinema later in week as i agree think will do him good. I will definitely check out the Jordan Petersen stuff.
Sadly, he did start taking drugs as a teenager…it’s difficult to unpick now what came first..the anxiety..or taking drugs to self-medicate which exacerbated his poor mental health etc. The drugs and bi-polar masked the ADHD as well…it is all quite complex and trying to get the right support via the NHS has proven impossible sadly.

@Ramblingaway yes he’s also on Olanzapine x

Oh, that's good x

You’re doing really well, both of you. Reading this as a stranger, I’m impressed. With you, not the shitty lack of healthcare.

Breathing exercises work and are free. Ditto yoga. 20 min sitting outside daily. Routine.

I don’t want to minimise your suffering at all, because some everyday helpers aren’t any good with the big stuff, but this lot genuinely improve things.

I did well on a balance of antipsychotic and antidepressant for 20 years. Trying to switch to lithium now as the weight gain from quetiapine has caught up with me, but when I was younger then combination worked well.

I would try and get him out of the house every day for an evening walk. Then build from there. He can help prepare the evening meal etc. A simple routine or structure can help build self esteem.

Hi OP have just seen your thread . My son has ADHD and suffered with anxiety and depression from his mid teens . Sertraline really was a game changer and he avoids weed at all costs because it sends his anxiety into a downward spiral.
He has really turned his life around,living in Oz with the occasional blip but generally ok 🙏. Am glad to see your latest update is positive.X

Good to hear things a but better. Hopefully this will be start of a new beginning. Things certsinly improved when my DD (ADHD) started on sertraline, now has a job - & so much more pleasant! A year later shes decided to come off it & im feeling quite aprehensive but hopefully it will be ok!