Recalibrating to adult DCs moving back home

[Nosejobnelly]

My eldest DC has moved back permanently and my younger will be back post-graduation in the summer, but he’s been back a lot this year anyway due to his MH being rocky/pressures of final year.

Dh snd I had about 8 months of being empty nesters until the grand return of the eldest which wasn’t expected. We are adjusting to that - she takes no advice from us about anything and we hold v opposing views so politics is off the table for a start.

DS just eats so much I can’t keep up. Dh usually eats about 5 dinners here and he sometimes eats breakfast at work so really our food bill wasn’t high. Now DS eats about double what I eat,plus he’s here at lunchtime, he loves eggs and eats 4/5 in one sitting, he’s a big lad but even so. I keep on going to the local mini supermarket and restocking as we run out so quickly.

I have to be careful what I eat due to my digestive issues so I have to really think about dinner depending who is in - DH eats virtually anything so it was fairly easy with him. I wfh so sm the main ‘cook’. The DC will occasionally cook but not often.

i just need to get to grips with 4 adults in the house again - it was feeling quite spacious but w all DD’s stuff brought home & DS’s stuff will be back in June it is feeling cramped again!!

sit down and make some ground rules. They need to be doing some shopping/cooking and other chores and/or paying their way!

Dont make it like a hotel now they are adults.

It's an adjustment. Mine each came home for a year or so after uni, though not at the same time. Youngest came back two or three times actually due to circumstances and while I was disappointed for him that things weren't working out I was delighted to have him back for a bit.
How much space do you have? We found that separate sitting rooms and some privacy for them and us was valuable. We converted the dining room into a study/ sitting room and DS used that.
Food wise it did take some adjustment to cater in quantity again. Is money tight OP or is it just a planning problem?
Agree some rules are needed or they revert to teenage behaviours. Taking a turn to plan and cook a meal for everyone. Some chores, whatever suits you and respect. If they are staying out or not going to be home they need to let you know.

I had this . It's hard to get used to but do not let them revert to teenagers. You do not have to cook for them unless it's a communal meal that everyone will eat . Leave it out and everyone helps themselves . Last one cleans up . He is in charge of his own eggs supply , buying , cooking ,cleaning . Laundry can be washed together , whites and coloureds . Only clothes in baskets will be washed .Special settings do it themselves but encourage to do at low rate times . Dry clothes dumped on their beds to fold and put away . Iron their own stuff . Hoover your own room . TV is yours . They can buy one or watch online . Tidy up bathroom after use , cooperate with timings .

If something bothers you , tell them . And they are one of 4 adults housemates so act accordingly. Don't take advantage of Mum and Dad .

Mine shopped and cooked for themselves once they returned. You can still be a loving and supportive parent without being a mug.

Ground rules around chores, behaviour, being a night owl, washing (especially this!!) shopping, cooking and monetary contributions once they have jobs. It is going to be tough and as lovely as it is having them back it will last 5 mins before you feel resentful. They have led adult lives making decisions and doing what they want when they want and they will want to continue this. There will be a distinct lack of understanding of the “my house my rules” mantra. So it will have to be open dialogue and compromises from everyone. If they don’t like it then they can move out with friends and rent.

You don't have to cook every night for adult children. They lived out of home and got used to feeding themselves.

My adult children want to be more like lodgers, come and go without comment and questions and look after themselves, to retain their sense of independence.
Eg they do their own washing, most of their meals, tidy up after themselves, but their toiletries, snacks, drinks etc and will get bread and milk if the household runs out during the week.

They are adults and just because they live at home, doesn't mean they act ike dependent children again.

Right at the beginning we had a conversation about communicating. If something is annoying you then speak up and resolve it, don't fester and become irritable.

I think it depends how you prefer to do things. I would hate having everyone cooking and eating separately apart from occasionally. Mine didn't want to live like lodgers they merged back into living as a family. Taking turns at cooking a meal but most of the time eating together. Everyone doing their own washing is inefficient. By all means they put a wash on but not just for their own towels or socks, I would expect them to put a load on.

I sort of did when DD came back. She mainly does her own washing and makes a lot of her own food (she likes the opposite food to what I can eat but sometimes cooks for dh/ds and I take something simple for myself). She’ll buy foods only she will eat, and works in a foodie environment so will sometimes brings things home that haven’t sold.
I know she wants to be independent but hadn’t got much spare cash for various reasons.
DS is more ‘needy’ but when he comes back permanently I will lay down some more ‘rules’ and ask him to pay a contribution towards food!

We didn’t think DD would come back again except for visits. We were using her room as a ‘spare’, so have lost some space.
We have a 3-bed but a separate kitchen/diner, living room and office room w a sofa. Rooms aren’t very big though. Kids also have their own shower room.
i use the office room to work as I wfh.
To add / money isn’t really a problem but the shopping bill is just mad now!
DS in particular will do chores when I ask, we have a cleaner too.

Smashing I say. Shopping /chores /cooking can be split 4 ways now.

Will reply to the rest altogether as you all broadly say the same thing.
We won’t live as lodgers, we all get on well and like being together occasionally 😂 I mean you could go the whole hog - all meals separate etc but we don’t rock like that.
Neither has money to pay their own way atm but when they do I will ask them for a small contribution.
I do insist on them telling me if they are/aren’t coming back for dinner, even if it’s last minute. DS didn’t tell me so by 6pm I assumed he wasn’t, and I was correct. If he came back he would’ve had to get his own meal.
They buy their own toiletries, although if they ask me to buy something while I’m out I’ll get it to be nice.

Exactly! When mine have come back I’ve been really specific on who is doing what, I message it on our chat so everyone is included - we all have nights where we cook, someone does vacuuming, someone shopping, someone cleans the bathroom etc. Laundry is also shared.

They have paid their way too.

I enjoy having my tea cooked for me tbf!

Dd will be graduating and home for 'a while'. She cooks 2 nights /week and helps with communal laundry. Her working area is in the shared living area - as is dh's (I have a sacred home office) and I can see that being a problem longer term. The main problem is just not having quite enough space - one extra room would do it. And when her bf is here 😯it feels like there are 10 people in the house - and he eats SO much. It will be nice in some ways but we have got used to having the peace and quiet and space. The other big issue will be money if it takes a while to find a job (and I suspect it will - and we're out in the sticks). It'll be room and board but no spending money. At least that's the plan...

@aterriblefish- I totally concur with all you say.
Young men seem to eat so much (when I talk to friends with sons they say the same) - it’s no joke! DS has gone back to his uni house for a bit and suddenly I’m freezing some of the bread again, the eggs aren’t disappearing so quickly etc.

I think you need to make a plan that works for you - not to be too constrained by what others do.

DS was home for about 3 months after graduating. I basically told him I wouldnt cook for him but if he wanted me to buy him particular foods I could put them on the shopping list. No doubt that would have seemed cold to others but it was based on a frustrating history of either cooking for him and then him being out without telling me, then putting the leftovers in the fridge and him never eating them, plus days when I didn’t cook for him only to have him pitch up and ask what’s for dinner - aargh! I needed to change expectations. Once that was done, we found a better equilibrium and I do occasionally cook for him.

Once dc become adults, they cooked and shopped for themselves, this was for various reasons.

they have the freedom not to be home for dinner, they can eat what they want, purchase what they want & generally they can look after themselves as they are not children.

there were rules, no cooking after 8.30/9pm as it’s too noisy, smelly and after a night out it wouldn’t be appropriate etc microwave heating up was acceptable until 10pm so food prep could be done and heated up later in the week.

you tidy up after yourselves, that includes everyone after they have eaten ( not hours later but 20 minutes grace and clear up.

we had our own cupboard space and an extra fridge in the utility so our own fridges. This kept life simple on who’s was whats etc

laundry was also done by individuals, but we communicated well on this one to ensure full loads of whites etc and not be selfish putting half a load on when mum might have some coloured to fill it out - then we’d put it on the line. Laundry was not to be left wet in the machine.

we lived together and all make mess so an hour a week each for cleaning, hoovering dusting etc this hour didn’t include our own bedrooms