My 23 year old DS is neurodivergent. He is severely dyslexic and we have been told it is highly likely he is also autistic. He lives at home and has two jobs both of which he is unhappy in.
Over the last couple of years I believe he’s become quite depressed and confused. He did well at school with lots of SEN support and lots of private tutoring, and went on to do reasonably well at college with some SEN support and help from me.
He got onto a degree but failed the first year three times and eventually dropped out. There was very little support and he has always tried to do too much, he was also working two jobs while at uni.
He’s now working a part time role two days a week as a fitter at a well known auto chain, and the rest of the week he works at a local specialist vintage garage. He dreams of being a qualified mechanic and one day owning his own garage.
He hates the part time role because the people there aren’t always very nice to him but he’s been there about 4 years now. He likes the work at the vintage place but it’s mainly cash in hand and he’s only paid about £8 an hour for a full time job. He’s asked twice about doing an apprenticeship but the owner doesn’t want to pay him the apprenticeship wage. He’s been there almost three years.
He’s now applying for other apprenticeships but he’s older than many of the applicants and those that are managed by training providers have made him do screening tests with no reasonable adjustments so he’s failed a couple and the one he has passed haven’t responded to him in over a week.
He used to be very fit and do CrossFit competitions but about 3 years ago he got into competitive strongman. He’s gradually put on weight and now is very large and unfit which has affected his asthma and his confidence.
He doesn’t look after himself and his cleanliness is questionable. He often smells and he’s always covered in oil and grease. He spends a lot of his money on old cars - he has 4 - non of which are currently roadworthy.
He thinks about food constantly but only eats once a day, usually huge amounts of unhealthy rubbish.
He has a girlfriend who is 5 years older than him and also neurodivergent. She lives with her mum and he stays there at least 4 nights a week. His girlfriend struggles to keep down a job so I don’t know if he’s also spending a lot of money on her. She’s nice but has no ambition and is as chaotic, if not more, than he is. She is the only person in her family to have a job.
They’ve been together about three years. In this time he’s put on a huge amount of weight, stopped looking after his personal hygiene and become terrible with money. I’m having to lend him money every month to get by and I struggle to do this. I don’t know if this is just coincidence but I really feel that he is unhappy in every aspect of his life and I’m not sure how to help him.
I don’t know how to talk to him about this because his neurodivergence means he’s got no middle gear - he’s either pretty unresponsive or he absolutely blows up.
Has anyone had any experience like this with their adult children and what helped them?