Navigating the transition from child to adult re holidays (and siblings)

[maymummy22]

Hi, looking for others’ experiences of how to navigate moving from holidaying with teens to young adults, in particular with boyfriends/girlfriends on the scene. DD1 is 19 and at uni, DD2 is 16. We’ve been fortunate to be able to enjoy several holidays a year together and they have a good sibling relationship. Thinking about holidays now though I’m very conscious that DD1 is more independent and also she’s been with her boyfriend for over 2 years. She still wants to come with us (this is her choice - she has also been away a couple of times with BF) but has also started to ask if he can come on some holidays. We like her BF but it does obviously change the dynamic when he’s there and I’m particularly aware of how it changes the experience for DD2.

I’m curious as to how others have navigated these few years in particular with one older, independent, YA and sibling just a couple of years younger.

This year we have a week booked in the UK which BF is invited to, a ‘big’ summer holiday that will be just the 4 of us and one other week in the UK that is as yet undecided. So overall my question is how have others balanced maintaining good relations all round - in our case with DD1 and between DD1/DD2.

We now work on a policy of ‘Dad and I are going away. Do you want to come? We will be doing X Y and Z. If you come you will participate and not complain about activities.’

They have come on a few holidays but not all. We don’t take boyfriends or girlfriends because they can go on holiday with them another time. I don’t want someone else on my holiday.

Let DD2 invite a friend to balance it out.

Have a proper private chat with Dd2 about how she feels about the boyfriend. I’m the eldest of 2 girls and my sister’s boyfriend stayed in the house over Christmas holiday when we were that sort of age- to me he was a creepy boy who stared and left pubes all over our bathroom. I found it very uncomfortable.
The maturity gap between 16 and 19, school and uni, is also massive even if they’re close, so bear that in mind.

We've taken DS1's girlfriend away on our family holiday - they'd been together about 18 months. I have three DC so there were four "kids" (aged 14 to 18 at the time). It worked well and we'd do it again.

Thanks for these comments. The range articulates well what I’m grappling with! It’s not that DD1 and BF wouldn’t join in - and definitely when both DD are older it’ll be more a case of we’re doing X, let me know if you want to come. But boiling it down it is more the effect on DD2 I’m thinking of. DD2 wouldn’t want to bring a friend - although that’s a good idea in theory. DD2 doesn’t dislike BF (in fact she says that DD1 is nicer when he’s here!) but she has said she feels like the extra one if he’s there. So she would definitely rather it was just the 4 of us.

I think holidays this year I’m ok on - the April week away is quite active so BF being there will be fine; I’m thinking the later summer UK one will be more about relaxing and seeing old friends who live in the area so will say ‘just us’.

For various reasons I’m having to look at holidays in summer 2027 (very early - even for me who likes a plan) and thinking if they’re still together (yes a big if), they’ll have been 3.5 years which feels more like ‘partner’ territory. Maybe there’s a compromise where he joins for half of a 2-week holiday and we go self catering so easy to just add a flight closer to the time.

IMO they're not a partner until they're living together. DD 21 has been with her bf for 3 years but I don't make the assumption they'll be together in 2027.

I think the dynamic issue is less of a worry and more who is going to pay.

Once I went away to uni at 18, I never went on another "family holiday" ever again. I had my own life, and my own holidays. What a 20 year old wants to do on holiday is probably the polar opposite of what a 50 year old wants! But maybe kids these days are different.

The only time I did anything resembling a holiday was for my mum's 70th when a load of family all went away for a few days together.

Once I went away to uni at 18, I never went on another "family holiday" ever again

That's really sad.

Same. In fact we never went abroad as a family ever. The year I went to uni my
parents and younger brother excitedly booked a week AI in Europe. I felt so sad.

I wasn't sad at all! I remember on my last family summer holiday aged 17 feeling absolutely desperate to get away from my parents boring idea of a holiday. I wanted to go out clubbing every night with my mates. My parents wanted to go on organised walking holidays.
I guess some parents are a bit more fun than mine, but I couldn't wait to get away.

Have you grown out of clubbing yet?

Grown out of clubbing yes! I'd probably quite enjoy my parents holidays these days... 20 years ago, not so much.

Our kids like coming on holiday with us - not much has changed in how we do them now compared with how we did them when they were younger. Dd is coming to India with us in a few weeks, don't know if we're great company - they don't want to come on UK holidays but will jump at the opportunity of somewhere more exotic. I wouldn't be happy with bringing a boyfriend for two weeks, my social battery starts running on low after 3 days - so I'd invite him for the weekend.

Thanks all. DD1 still definitely wants to come - as Donny says if we’re going somewhere they want to go and are paying, she’ll be there 😁Two weeks - I agree is too much. A question for the future but a week of the 2 feels a good balance

I think either the boyfriend doesn’t come or dd2 has the option to bring a friend

My parents always welcomed now dh and we actually got engaged while we were away with them. They're fab!

I didn't go on family holidays either after I was 18. I wanted to go away with friends and I was working in the university breaks so I wouldn't get enough time off for both.

I've been on plenty of holidays with my parents since I was an adult though. They used to pay for lovely holiday houses that dh & I could never have afforded and now we pay.

If your DD2 says she feels like a spare part when DD1 brings her boyfriend I wouldn't be inviting the boyfriend.

I think you've got a good balance at the moment. Shorter UK holiday BF invited. Longer 'main' holiday is family holiday for the four of you. If you can I would keep the other UK holiday just for family.

As a family of four with 2 siblings of the same sex I guess family holidays in the past have worked out well if the girls get along and like the same activities. A BF along is a massive change for DD 2 and without a friend along she will feel a bit out of things.
Maybe DD 2 will accept a friend along for the UK shorter breaks but I would keep the main holiday as a family until DD2 is a bit older if you can.

No, it's completely normal - certainly was for me and all my friends. We wouldn't have been seen dead on a holiday with our parents. It slightly baffles me that young people now are so willing to do it, but I suspect that the destinations are much more exotic these days, and the parents are willing to pay! But, surely it's much better for the young to go off and do their own thing?

Really interesting to hear different views. For us, I shiningstar hits the nail on the head.
Looking back I didn’t go on family holidays after I went to uni - went with friends and worked the holidays - but also I was an only child and our family holidays were always camping in France so not quite the same draw as DDs have now!
But in my late 20s I started going on an annual European city break with just my mum for a long weekend but sadly only got to do a few before she passed away; I wish we’d been able to go to all the places we had planned and it’s something I hope to do with my DDs once the family holidays tail off.

We wouldn't have been seen dead on a holiday with our parents. It slightly baffles me that young people now are so willing to do it

I think it would be sad to never go on a family holiday again. And you're acting like you and your friends were just too cool for a family holiday.

DD does a mixture of holidays with friends, boyfriend and city breaks with us due to time restraints. I hope if she has children we'll holiday together!