The complicated feelings when you can't "fix" your kids problems

[HetTup]

DD just called me in a panic. She slept through her alarm and is a couple of hours late to set off to meet a friend in another part of the country. DD is 19 away at Uni so not at home.

She is worried about getting the train and to the town feeling guilty, her friend being upset with her. She has ADHD so sleeping and waking up on time and organising generally is hard for her so I do feel for her. But I can't fix this for her. She has to take responsibility for letting her friend down, and for probably setting herself up to fail by planning an early set off time and only one alarm (I have bought her 4 alarms while she has been away at Uni).

I have had to try and tamp down my frustration and be supportive but it is a good lesson for me in letting go. I can't do anything and she has to fix it. She just called again to say she is getting an Uber so she can get the next train so at least she is being proactive! Anyway this is a minor example of many panicked calls from DD over the last 18 months and she is always going to call for a sympathetic ear when things go wrong and she is on the verge of a meltdown.

I have to let go and it is hard as I always want to make things better for DD she is a sweet soul but an agent of chaos. Being her mum is a rollercoaster ride and it is hard to watch from a distance when I know things are going to go wrong...

As far as I can tell, DSA is a bit like Access to Work, the student doesn't get any cash benefit, but it pays for adjustments they may need, for example study skills coaching in the case of ADHD. I don't begrudge anyone who is judged to need it, it would have helped me when I first tried to study for a degree (and dropped out)

Not at all. But you have to cut the apron strings sometime.

@Waywardremote Perhaps things will change when he moves into his own place, maybe with his partner? Right now, you’re his emotional rock but eventually his partner will become that person.

Aww @HetTupI hear you and I feel for you! It's so hard to know what to do sometimes. My 20 yr old asked me recently if I still expected 'needy' phone calls at this stage ( I don't get many) and I thought and said 'well I'm 49 and your granny still gets them from me! '
No advice really but it's very hard innit?xx

I very quickly realised I couldn't, and shouldn't, burden my widowed mum with infantile, trivial problems that I should really be fixing myself. I really don't think it does either party any good to behave like this.

I feel for you and think you're doing a great job. I recently had some counselling to help with my (wider) family communication as I have a similar sibling and gained some very useful strategies that make me feel positively zen now when hearing about her issues !

Hi @HetTup I'm really sympathetic to this - as someone who was late-diagnosed in my 30s I look back on my university days with a lot of grief and frustration, and I wish that I had been given support that just didn't exist at the time.

That letting-go part is so hard, and I think your DD is lucky to have someone on her team who cares, but there are limits to what one person can do, and sometimes, if you're able, it can help to get external support.

I think the constructive suggestions so far are good ones, but I'd also say it is worth looking into support around executive functioning, not just understanding it, but having someone actually help your DD to put systems and strategies into place.

I think sometimes we jump to fix the visible issue, which obviously makes sense when it is causing distress in the moment, but addressing the underlying executive dysfunction challenges can help to mitigate challenges before they arise.

Obviously, this doesn't mean that challenges and wobbles won't arise, but I think for most people with ADHD even being able to reduce these, or the impact of them, is life changing. x

@Toeragg- you are so, so wrong.i know this is an older thread but it was at the top of my feed.

I’ m not sue DS would’ve made it through his degree without DSA. Its not means tested so that’s incorrect for a start. He is very able intellectually but has many difficulties mentally. He had a mentor who was fantastic and kept him going when things were tough. He had a couple of really bad times but he pulled through and got a first. He’s not even diagnosed w an ND, but it’s obvious he is (was obvious to me a long time ago in hindsight).

Also a victim of rubbish 70s/80s left to it parenting an no it wasn’t idyllic. Mine may well have thought I was off having fun but actually as an autistic socially stressed out and overwhelmed kid it was a horrible time. Severe self doubt, suicidal ideation, spell in a mental health unit - I’m not convinced it was the idyllic stuff of dreams regularly referred back to.
I agree with op, I empathise a lot with the my kid’s struggles with the real world. I try to help but seeing them having painful experiences at work for example is horrible.

That's very interesting to think about and try to remember accurately.

Looking back I see my parents as mind blowingly self focused. We were all left home by 18 and they were absolutely not available for support.

I was much much more resilient and independent than my own kids but I was also just alone in the world and knew never to ask for help.

I drank a lot, slept around to a stupid extent and married the first (awful) man to ask me. Because I was completely alone.

Better to have nice mums to phone and chat problems through with.

I think phones have honestly have been the main cause of parents feeling like they are always on tap as counsellors and bank managers. My kids are all in their thirties and still call me constantly about their problems , utterly exhausting. My parents were very neglectful and completely disinterested. They really knew nothing about my life and I learned to parent myself as a child quite honestly .Im staggered by how dependent adults are these days. I learned to cope and problem solve pretty young but I had no safety net and that's hard.

My mother was at her best on the phone always a landline though - so not quite so modern - we had a lovely long distance relationship - and I did rely on her a lot. Face to face was always challenging though.

That's an interesting point about mobile phones. Not just relating to adult kids but everyone, I see men in the supermarket phoning to ask which sugar etcetc.

I think phones have become a running commentary of what's in our/their minds and it's annoying. I suppose some brain dumping doesn't require a real or any response ie I've run out of toilet roll equals a poo emoji response. (I'm making that one up 🤠)

It was phone boxes and letters when I went to uni and my parents were retired and child free by 58. I think parenting was too short back in the day but I think it's too long now. It's quite a rare kid now who's out of the house and self sufficient at 18.