The complicated feelings when you can't "fix" your kids problems

[HetTup]

DD just called me in a panic. She slept through her alarm and is a couple of hours late to set off to meet a friend in another part of the country. DD is 19 away at Uni so not at home.

She is worried about getting the train and to the town feeling guilty, her friend being upset with her. She has ADHD so sleeping and waking up on time and organising generally is hard for her so I do feel for her. But I can't fix this for her. She has to take responsibility for letting her friend down, and for probably setting herself up to fail by planning an early set off time and only one alarm (I have bought her 4 alarms while she has been away at Uni).

I have had to try and tamp down my frustration and be supportive but it is a good lesson for me in letting go. I can't do anything and she has to fix it. She just called again to say she is getting an Uber so she can get the next train so at least she is being proactive! Anyway this is a minor example of many panicked calls from DD over the last 18 months and she is always going to call for a sympathetic ear when things go wrong and she is on the verge of a meltdown.

I have to let go and it is hard as I always want to make things better for DD she is a sweet soul but an agent of chaos. Being her mum is a rollercoaster ride and it is hard to watch from a distance when I know things are going to go wrong...

As far as I can tell, DSA is a bit like Access to Work, the student doesn't get any cash benefit, but it pays for adjustments they may need, for example study skills coaching in the case of ADHD. I don't begrudge anyone who is judged to need it, it would have helped me when I first tried to study for a degree (and dropped out)

Not at all. But you have to cut the apron strings sometime.

@Waywardremote Perhaps things will change when he moves into his own place, maybe with his partner? Right now, you’re his emotional rock but eventually his partner will become that person.

Aww @HetTupI hear you and I feel for you! It's so hard to know what to do sometimes. My 20 yr old asked me recently if I still expected 'needy' phone calls at this stage ( I don't get many) and I thought and said 'well I'm 49 and your granny still gets them from me! '
No advice really but it's very hard innit?xx

I very quickly realised I couldn't, and shouldn't, burden my widowed mum with infantile, trivial problems that I should really be fixing myself. I really don't think it does either party any good to behave like this.

I feel for you and think you're doing a great job. I recently had some counselling to help with my (wider) family communication as I have a similar sibling and gained some very useful strategies that make me feel positively zen now when hearing about her issues !