The complicated feelings when you can't "fix" your kids problems

[HetTup]

DD just called me in a panic. She slept through her alarm and is a couple of hours late to set off to meet a friend in another part of the country. DD is 19 away at Uni so not at home.

She is worried about getting the train and to the town feeling guilty, her friend being upset with her. She has ADHD so sleeping and waking up on time and organising generally is hard for her so I do feel for her. But I can't fix this for her. She has to take responsibility for letting her friend down, and for probably setting herself up to fail by planning an early set off time and only one alarm (I have bought her 4 alarms while she has been away at Uni).

I have had to try and tamp down my frustration and be supportive but it is a good lesson for me in letting go. I can't do anything and she has to fix it. She just called again to say she is getting an Uber so she can get the next train so at least she is being proactive! Anyway this is a minor example of many panicked calls from DD over the last 18 months and she is always going to call for a sympathetic ear when things go wrong and she is on the verge of a meltdown.

I have to let go and it is hard as I always want to make things better for DD she is a sweet soul but an agent of chaos. Being her mum is a rollercoaster ride and it is hard to watch from a distance when I know things are going to go wrong...

I want better for my kids and they have that.

Do they though? Your daughter can’t wake up at a certain time or get herself home safely. Will she ever hold down a job, or live independently?

Yes DD is in the Autism soc and her friends that night were also ND just 3 people

Right. I’ll bite my tongue at this point I think.

Despite your brutal upbringing and your DD’s ‘much better one’, you’re still the one who can organise yourself and give advice - not her. I’ll leave it there.

She is 19. By the time she’s 29, she’ll be fine. Trust me

Ah. Lovely for DD to have ND friends who she feels comfortable with but not so likely to yield practical advice in moments of stress. I guess you need to continue the extra support and hope that DD gradually becomes more able to make good decisions. My nephew very slowly matured and is now much more relaxed and confident than seemed possible when he was younger.

Hmm well it could be my (terrible? Overbearing?) parenting or her AuDHD that will impact how much help she needs as she gets older... She will need more support, she has systems in place. Some DSA funding etc. But that is what I expected she is capable of working and I am certain she will her life may look different but that is ok. I need hearing aids and other people have physical difficulties that require support, wheel chairs, ramps so DD needs mentors and reasonable adjustments... A little empathy and imagination from people around her helps.

Fair enough lol but I will just say I was fucking up to a much higher degree than DD at 19 and now I am all wise and shit - as amazingly I survived my bad judgement and risk taking - so I think you have to look at things holistically not at a snapshot!

Why did you start this thread OP?

To work out how I was feeling - it actually has been helpful. Maybe I was using mn as my emotional support but I am a masochist clearly.

I find it so hard to know how to navigate all this .I didn’t have the sort of relationship where I could call my parents for support, ever . Two of my kids call me a lot for emotional support and I find it really draining. I don’t know where to put in boundaries . It seems that these days things are far harder for young people and I care a lot but it’s incredibly draining. What about my challenges?

I mean that by the way it has been helpful for me. Maybe not as I expected.

Not always.

You should set boundaries to protect your well-being I see so many broken lonely people in my line of work, we need each other but you can only give what you are able to. Never at your own detriment. I am fortunate in many ways. But I cannot share my troubles easily that is unhealthy and probably leads to over sharing anonymously. All families are fuckrd up in their own unique ways after all but there are other people/ places/ services your children can and should vent to if you are not the right person

I think the majority of people diagnosed as being ND aren't AuADHD and I resent them getting DSA when it should go to people who are actually disabled as opposed to the scatty and disorganised who choose not to regulate their emotions.

Real autism is devaststing, not a teen who doesn't set their alarm.

Toeragg you you have no idea what the extent of DD or my ds who is autistic as well issues are I am posting about one aspect. So I would appreciate a bit of faith that there is much more to her than missed alarms. You keep being angry at people you have never met though by all means

I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 45.

At 19 I had just bought a house having been living independently for 2 years, having been working alone side study since I was 15. I had 2 jobs to pay my bills, ran a car etc.

I had to work things out for myself far younger than that. I couldn’t blame ADHD (and realise now why I struggled so much with some things) and you won’t believe the stuff I’ve achieved in my life. My parents enabled me to be independent long before I turned 18. I don’t know what it is about today’s kids but they are so bloody cosseted well into adulthood.

Mine is 15 and AuDHD (no PIP or DLA) and could probably survive a month in the woods if she had to. She knows adulthood carries responsibilities and that’s our responsibility as parents to prepare her for it. Letting her sort herself out is absolutely the best thing you can do. If you keep fixing everything for her she will never grow up.

Great post @ItTook9Years
your dd sounds awesome

I have been having a similar conversation with myself @HetTup. This week especially I have been holding onto worrying about things my ND adult children (one at uni, one at home having failed uni) need to do and had to deal with the fall out from procrastination that almost led to a minor disaster (but luckily didn't). For my own sake, if not theirs I need to step back a bit, because it takes too much out of me.

It's made harder by my frustration that they haven't learnt from the workarounds I've found to deal with my similar problems, but to be fair it's taken me over 40 years to get to where I am, they will learn their own way. I do sympathise though!

Anyone would think if you’d met one person with ADHD you’d met one person with ADHD, wouldn’t you?

I agree. Anybody at university, living independently and able to socialise and basically live a full life etc is not mentally affected enough to warrant benefits. I don’t think that’s a controversial opinion.

How do we know all these people have the same thing if they can present completely differently?

That is not true and if you don't understand then I am clearly not going to persuade you. Your perception is not "reality" or facts it is your opinion... As I also have an opinion that is different to yours and has basis in my reality and experience.

Seriously; you can’t think of any other examples as to where the symptoms and signs may differ but the diagnosis is the same?

Yes but they have a diagnostic, pathological test. This doesn’t.

Wonders whether to mention that DSA funding is not means tested and therefore not a "benefit" as such it is just funding for support services that you have to have an assessment and evidence of need... Or to mention how hellish school was for DD as she was diagnosed as autistic at 7 after years of me being told how she was not normal we had an explanation and a couple of years later a further diagnosis of ADHD but maybe I shouldn't be drawn into this pointless justification ugh