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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Furious and frustrated.

3 replies

Whitebonny12 · 10/02/2026 19:23

Hi all I really need some advice I'm at my wits end with my 19 year old son who's still living with me and his dad at home. When he left school he started at 6th form but early on in the 2nd year decided that it wasn't for him ( he couldn't cope with the demands of the course) and, with our support decided to leave and take another pathway. He decided he wanted to do an apprenticeship. We got him signed up with a local provider and after about 3 or 4 months secured an apprenticeship with a local firm. This seemed to be a really good opportunity and initially he seemed happy. However a while after starting he was hauled into a meeting and given a dressing down for always being on his phone and leaving work too early. Initially he listened and knuckled down but it was the beginning of the end. He complained that he wasn't given enough to do and was bored, so he decided to leave which was effective as soon as he told them. After that he was back on the books with the training provider to try and get him another apprenticeship. In the meantime, because he'd made himself unemployed he couldn't sign on for benefits and it was back to being supported by the bank of mum and dad (which we were happy to do). It took several months but he eventually got another apprenticeship with another firm after applying for numerous jobs and being rejected. He seemed so happy and they seemed really happy with him often praising him and giving him extra responsibilities for his development. He was even given a significant pay rise once he completed his probation which made it a very well paid apprenticeship.
However, he has had a number of sickness absences since being there, the latest one being a couple of weeks ago. He went back in but (without discussing it with us) has now suddenly handed his notice in, giving the reason that they're giving him too much to do (there is some background to this but I won't go into it).
Initially, we were supportive because he was genuinely upset and tearful. But I've had time to think about it and now I'm absolutely furious and extremely frustrated. I'm genuinely at a loss as to why he's done this and cannot understand at all. He's prone to mental health difficulties but he refuses to see a doctor and get help. He has this delusion that he's going to be the next internet entrepreneur but he's not being realistic. I get the impression that he thinks we will support him financially again but his dad is starting a new job next week and won't get a wage for over 6 weeks, so we'll be short of money. I know that we're partly to blame for enabling the behaviour but the last time he was unemployed he was very despondent about not having any financial independence and said he would not leave a job again without having another job lined up yet he's gone and done it again. I am so angry I want to shake him. Anybody else been in a similar situation and what did you do? All advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Aligirlbear · 10/02/2026 20:13

The first thing you need to do is have a conversation about finances and expectations. That the bank of mum and dad won’t be supporting him / paying his way. He needs to get himself another job. You can explain that you helped him out the first time but it isn’t happening again - you have to stop enabling him. Ask him what he is planning to do about money / paying for his phone / socialising. Are you charging him any rent because you need to set an expectation on that - even if you charge a relatively nominal amount and save it for him for when he moves out. Explain to him how much it costs to rent a room locally ( can find details on line) so he can start to understand how much real life costs. At his age he needs some tough love and to understand that mum and dad will not keep sorting out his life choices. Sorry if this sounds harsh but effectively walking out of 2 apprenticeships will not sit well with trying to get another placement or role.

I know you wont want to nuclear but a friend of mine who had a similar situation, after the 3rd time their DC walked out of a job they told DC they would be leaving home if they didn’t get a job and have to fend for themselves. Got as far as packing his bags as DC didn’t believe them. It focussed the mind and DC managed to get themselves a job and stuck at it.

SleafordSods · 10/02/2026 20:18

You have my sympathy. I have one of a similar age that is impulsive too. One thing I have to keep reminding myself is that they have plenty of time to find something they like.

You do need to all sit down though and explain that there is no money coming from you. In fact, if he isn’t working he should really be cooking for the damily a few times a week and doing some jobs around the house.

Is there any work he can do whilst he’s looking at what he wants to do next? Is there any bar work, even glass collecting or food delivery?

Thecows · 10/02/2026 20:28

I really feel for you it's so hard to get the balance right.

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