How much should adult son contribute?

[Iwanttobreakfree2]

I am a single parent to an adult son and three younger children. My adult son is in his early twenties and has been working in a permanent, full-time job for the last two years. He previously lived at home full-time, but from July of last year he gradually started dividing his time between home and his girlfriend's house, quite often staying overnight there. He continued with this arrangement until around October last year and then between October and January (about 3 weeks ago) he spent all of his time round at his girlfriend's house. He still kept many of his belongings in his bedroom in our family home though. About three weeks ago, he then decided he wanted more space from his girlfriend and he is now dividing his time between the family home and his girlfriend's house again.

I am in a pretty precarious financial situation right now. I previously had a very successful business, but I have had to put my career on the back burner for the last decade or so to care for my younger two sons who have additional educational needs.

Up until the end of October last year, my son paid me £150 per month towards bills. However, at the end of November, I told him that he could reduce the amount he paid me to £75 per month as he had spent so much time over at his girlfriend's house. Now that he is dividing his time between the family home and his girlfriend's house with no fixed schedule, I am not sure how much I should charge him. I lost my single person's 25 % council tax discount when my adult son left full-time education and I am still paying 100 % council tax now that he is living here part-time. The difference between 75 % council tax and 100 % council tax is almost £60 per month. Any suggestions regarding how much I should expect him to contribute would be welcome. Thank you.

Do you want him to just pay his way? If so, charge him the 25% council tax, plus the extra energy (can you look at how many units you used in a month he was there full time vs absent? Needs to both be summer/winter for a fair comparison obviously). Food is a bit easier, again you compare shopping bills. That should give you a rough total for what he actually costs you.
Then if you want to charge him rent on top that's absolutely fine. Theoretically you could let his bedroom to a lodger if he wasn't in it! If charging him rent, I would aim for a figure considerably less than what he would pay in a flat share. You do want him to be able to save a bit of money ideally.

I would charge him a set amount per month (salary dependent but at least £200). I wouldn't be messing about with "well he stayed over for 4 nights...'

If he stays at his girlfriend's house - well that's his life and his choice. But your house is still his home.

I would charge a set amount each month regardless how often he is there. Does he pay her parents any board for the times he stays there? I bet not.

He still lives with you until he moves out. Has he asked you to reduce his rent due to being at his girlfriends?

Agree with this

Set amount each month. £75 is naff all.

No, he either lives there or doesn't, the amount of time he spends at his g/f is irrelevant.

And you charge him too little. When I was the same age, my parents stuck by the old rule of 3rds. A third rent, saving and spends. I paid more than your son does not 30 years ago!

Up the rent, regardless of what he does in his free time or where he spends the night.

Why was he paying £75 a month when not living with you, Oct-January?

I would work out either his additional costs to you - CT, bills, food etc and charge that if you can afford to be generous. Or work out the total bills, split by the number of adults, and either charge that or a discounted version based on 50%. He is a full time working and earning adult. He needs to pay his way

You've got some pretty sensible suggestions here already. In addition to asking him to make a contribution that genuinely covers the difference you need (making up the council tax % loss, paying for his food & household goods, contribution towards utilities), can the two of you look at how much he'd be paying if he were house-sharing and renting?

When I liked with my parents in my early 20s I saved the equivalent of what I'd have been paying in rent (after paying what my parents agreed to) so I'd get used to a sensible amount of disposable income rather than spaffing it all up the wall on the pub and clothes. The amount I saved before moving in with my partner once they'd finished Uni was enough to pay for our deposit on the first place we rented, travelling, and helped us get a car.

My friend was in a similar situation to you, she stopped getting child support payments from her ex when their son turned 18, stopped getting child benefit, had to pay more in council tax - exactly like you. But she won't take any money off the son! She's a single parent, really struggling, while her 21 year old is earning only a couple of grand less than her per year and spending every penny on himself, his clothes, trainers, nights out, holidays. It's so wrong.

Good on you for asking for some help here.

Charge a set amount each month. Include the extra you’re paying in council tax, a rough percentage towards water, gas electric and a bit for general rent. Also more if you’re including him in the food shop or you could decide he buys his own.

Hes an adult in full time work, you’re not asking a 16 year old to share their pocket money, don’t be afraid.

I would charge 25% of bills including gas, electric, council tax, water, internet and food. That would need to be paid whether he stayed at yours seven nights or two. If he doesn’t wish to contribute to food he can buy his own. Of course he still wouldn’t be contributing to your rent or mortgage so may not be enough

He is an adult in full time work. 30% of his income should be going towards housing. Additional money should go towards food and living supplies.

you don’t need to charge him that much. He can just cover the cost of him living in the home. He should be saving the rest and that should be a requirement for living there.

If he had his own place and chose to stay out he'd still be paying full rent. Life is expensive right now I think a £200 contribution pm would be fair in this case.

You should be able to see what your out goings were before he moved in with gf, and then how much they were when he wasn't there.

I'd charge him the difference plus for any "services" he uses, ie are you doing his washing, cooking, shopping etc.

So the increased cost now he is back, plus his half of the council tax and £100 for your time & effort, cooking washing etc.

Maybe £300 a month ?

My son splits his time between here and his girlfriend’s house (she also comes here). He’s only working part time at the moment but we charge him £200 a month. We put £100 of that away for him but he doesn’t know that because otherwise he’d spend it on playing golf and buying PC games etc!

He should be paying at least 1/3 of the rent and utility bills , council tax and internet. In my house that would be £550 a month.

He’s an employed adult and your responsibility to house and feed him ended at 18 - it’s lovely that you’re still having him - so that’s fair that he contribute.

Does your son know you are struggling financially? Is he not offering to help?

20% is reasonable

Definitely at least £200. Probably more. He either lives there or he doesn't. You say he works full time, you don't say how much he earns but even if it was minimum wage he'd have at least £1500 take home. He'd still have plenty left over, while you're struggling. If my mid-twenties son moved back home I'd charge him £500, because I'd need to.

Maybe I don't understand as I only have 2 young children, but I can't get over the fact some of you saying once their 18 the responsibility to house and feed them etc ends!! You choose to have a child for life. Its not his fault you decided to have more children that required you to look after them. Will you be expecting them to do the same at his age. Let him save his money, to be young without needing to get into debt.. help him budget and put money into savings for his future. The support shouldn't stop because your child has turned 18.

Are you actually saying that unless you can afford to feed, house and clothe your adult children well into adulthood, you should only have one child? When are we permitted to stop bankrolling our working adult offspring? 25? 40?

Apart from that, it is terrible parenting to keep paying for everything. Your job as a parent is to turn a child into an independent competent adult. Part of that is helping them launch and showing them how the real world works. You are royally screwing your adult kids over if you baby them.