Finding dd so difficult to live with

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My 3 young adult dds live at home. They are 24, 22 and 18. Older two have been away for uni and now back home.

We are a neurodiverse family; dd3 was diagnosed with ASD when she was 11 and dd2 more recently. Dd1 doesn’t have a diagnosis but we’re pretty sure she is autistic as well (and we suspect that dh and I are too), although we all present very differently.

Dd1 has become like a stranger. She goes in and out without even a hello or goodbye. Gives monosyllabic answers when asked about her day. Our family arrangement is that I cook most nights as I only work part time which I am happy to do, but dd1 often comes home late for dinner with no explanation and will sit on her phone while she eats.

Today she asked dh about timing for my birthday meal out and I saw her visibly roll her eyes then left the room.

I get that she’s autistic and her social battery is low after a day’s work. I get that she’s an adult and doesn’t want to share every aspect of her life with her parents. But a little bit of courtesy and appreciation is not too much to ask for is it? If it’s an issue to do with her eg which new phone should she buy or discussions about choices etc she will happily engage with us. But I can’t actually recall a time when she asks about anyone’s day.

We have been easy on her and give her the benefit of the doubt because there has been an ongoing issue about some unpleasant behaviour towards her from dd3 and in the past we didn’t get the balance quite right and allowed dd3’s needs to dominate. However we have addressed this and put in much firmer boundaries and I hope dd1 now feels well supported by us.

I always used to make a point of spending 1 to 1 time with each of them growing up and dd1 have enjoyed evenings out and weekends away over the years. I do try and suggest things to her, even just a quick coffee down the road but she doesn’t accept.

Any advice please?

I feel for you op. It’s not at all easy for either party when adult dc return to live at home having been away at university.

They feel restricted and frustrated having been living virtually independently.

And we feel like they treat our homes like a hotel and don’t engage as much as they should.

Add neurodiversity to the mix and I understand how difficult this is. And I say that as the mother of two young adult dds, one of whom is autistic.

My advice is to cook a large bowl of chilli, stick it in the fridge or freezer, put a note on the kitchen table explaining this along with a box of rice, and saying you have gone out for the evening with your friends/gone to art class/gone fishing!

Seriously, step back as much as possible, don’t take any of the eye rolling personally, and live your own life!

You are now all adults sharing the same space! The older two have fed themselves for three year at university and survived. Why are you stressing about this?

Let them do their own laundry and cooking!
It won’t harm the youngest to learn either!

If not eating as a family distresses you, instigate a Thursday night dinner or a Sunday lunch once a week or fortnight for which there is a three line whip.

You remember what it is like to be in your early twenties op? You are focused on friends, relationships, yourself, and your parents and housekeeping come way behind in the list of preoccupations.

The eye roll wasn’t respectful and is probably an indication that she is ready to leave and find her own shared accommodation if at all possible. How long is this arrangement going to last?

My DD is 23 and back home after uni and travelling. She's also autistic and struggled a lot with adjusting to being back at home.

We've agreed she doesn't need to say hello and bye when entering and leaving the house.
She's an adult and as such we don't feel the need to ask her where she's going or quiz her on her day.
Often in the morning I can tell she doesn't want to talk and we make our tea and coffee side by side in silence.
If she wants to talk to us she will. And she does, happily, usually after a few days of being withdrawn.

It seems extreme and looks like it's rude but we want her to feel as comfortable as possible and be able to exist without the stress of the usual social obligations which can be very difficult for people with autism.

Thank you.

@Oceanannie678 dh and I are quite busy with our own lives, jobs, hobbies, friends etc. We actually quite enjoying the freedom that this stage brings and being able to pop away for a weekend when we want.

@Noshadelamp thats a really interesting take, thank you. Maybe I should consider her autistic needs a bit more.