adult ND DD still struggling with friendships

[ObsessiveGoogler]

DD is 18 and started uni this year. All her life there has been a pattern of initially making friends, and then things falling apart. She can be a bit prickly, over-sensitive and intense at times and can see that she may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I really struggle to see why she has such a disastrous friendship history - she's kind and thoughtful.

The same thing has now happened at Uni, with her initially being part of a large group of friends, but gradually sidelined and excluded. She is distraught - she is desperate for a good group of friends she can spend time with but just seems unable to find her tribe.

I think one of the problems is she is ND but doesn't actually have any "special interests" - or indeed any interests much at all. She therefore gravitates to those who spend their time drinking, clubbing and generally socialising, which I think often tend to be more the "alphas" who are less tolerant of her quirks, and probably find her a bit boring. Her sister is also ND, but as she has a number of special interests and is a bit "nerdy" she has seemed to find her tribe and has a good group of friends.

I really don't know how to support or advise her. I've tried suggesting she finds clubs and mixes through those, but she's just not interested in anything. I've also told her to try looking out for others who may not have found their niche yet, but she says there's no-one around like that. Any experiences or advice would be really welcome. Thanks.

Gentle bump …

Is there anything at all that she even has a slight interest in? Could she find one thing and join some clubs. I think it's really hard without a shared interest to develop friendships. It's so hard watching your children struggle.

Perhaps she gravitates to those who drink because drinking allows her to relax a little and not feel the need to mask.

It doesn’t need to be a hyperfixated special interest but is there anything she enjoys doing? There should be a variety of clubs for her to join and meet other people there.

I think that one of the hardest things a parent goes through is the friendship issues of their child, especially when their child has a disability.

What course is she doing, OP? Is there anything related to that that she could get involved with?

Sounds to
Me like she is still masking and clinging on to what she perceives as the norm.

Was she late daignosed

What were her interests as a younger child?

Hi. Yes she was late diagnosed and agree she is still masking - she only has an adhd diagnosis but has been told by a psychologist she has ASDTraits, which doesn’t surprise me.She has only started drinking really at uni, and yes she finds it helps at the time socially, but she gets very anxious the next day.
ahe again tends to gravitate towards rather “-alpha” type activities like gymnastics, which she’s really quite poor at and the clubs tend to be quite competitive. I’m really struggling to try and get her interested in anything. I’m going to suggest volunteering but am not sure how sociable the opportunities are based on on the website.

Ah that sounds tricky OP. What is your dd studying? Is she passionate about her subject? Large city uni or campus based smaller place? Work experience or a little part-time job sometimes advertised by the university, might be options? Is she sharing in halls of residence?

I have similar worries about dd1 who is just a bit younger. I recognise the pull to confident popular people and activities, which is not helpful. Could she access university provision for mental health, the sisal offer a series of free counselling sessions and will be very familiar with her situation.

Ideally she realises that drinking is not a good idea. Are there opportunities such as training as student ambassador etc? Social side of things is important but if that's not going too well, she could really focus on her studies if she finds this fulfilling? Wishing your dd well OP.

My dd is the same OP. Also diagnosed ahdh. No solution but solidarity.

Unfortunately as a parent of a nd child Late diagnosed I can only support but they have to learn themselves. It's awful for us to watch tho.

Offer a listening ear if she will opening up and ask if she wants advice.

My dd is very demanding avoidant as part of her autism and she won't listen to advice

She still lives at home working through her anxiety. It's very hard to watch but she said that she finds masking in public so normal now she struggles to not do it which is exhausting for her.

She is trying to unpick it all. X

Go back to basics and look at what she loved as a kids. Animals art fashion science cosplay gaming. Whatever and suggest she try to find a similar adult activity. Volunteer preferably with other young people but any friend is valuable and not all friends have to be from a peer group.

Thanks for the responses. It’s a vocational degree, and no, she’s not really passionate about it - to be honest she’s not passionate about anything except wanting to socialize. She does, on balance, want the qualification so is plodding on. It’s a small city - not a particularly prestigious uni ( which is a good thing for her) and she is on a small, specialist campus. She’s living in a uni flat - on the whole gets on ok on a day to day basis with most of the flatmates, but she feels excluded from their wider social group.

She does have work experience which I think has done her good, but we are a bit reluctant for her to get a job because of the demands of the course ( which she is already struggling with). She has had a few support sessions ( has D S A) but has told them everything is fine. I’ve said has to be honest and hope she will be when she goes back. I’m just at a loss. I will suggest she asks about any ND support groups but doubt she will go as doesn’t want to be “different”.

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver i think this is it - she doesn’t know how to be herself as she is so used to masking. She talks a lot to me and I must admit I’m finding it incredibly stressful. I want to fix” it but can’t.

When my other DD was diagnosed ND it was a lightbulb moment for her - everything made sense and she quickly gravitated to those who would understand her - nearly all her friends are ND. She has a lot of “passions” which help her make connections.

Several of you have mentioned going back to what she enjoyed as a child, but to honest she did a lot of activities but none really stuck ( except one rather niche “alpha” sport which they don’t offer at her uni).

I think this isn't uncommon in ND girls - I also liked socialising (though it exhausted me and I needed the alcohol to enjoy it, which in retrospect was not a great idea) and I just wasn't into the dungeons and dragons / chess / ComicCon interests of a lot of other ND people at uni.

I found my group through drama in the end, although I had to try a number of "alpha" groups before finding one which really suited me. The other thing she might like is the various student councils - they do a lot of socialising but their meetings are structured and everyone's roles are clear.

@LauraMipsum yes she finds socializing exhausting, but still has a drive to be out every night. I think some of it is social media pressure to be living an exciting and fun life. She hasn’t really acknowledged her ND, let alone explored how it affects her and how she can best manage it.

OP,
Our DD 's could have been cloned from each other!
Solidarity to you.
My DD isn't at uni yet but I dread her going as I forsee exactly the same issues with friendships, not coping with course, too much socialising and pretending to the support staff that she is ok. I know it's the ND traits but when I am angry I want to scream at her to not be deluded.
Xx

@RainyDayCoffee it’s so frustrating isn’t it, as well as distressing to see them so constantly unhappy. I really don’t know how it will pan out. Has anyone ever used specialist ND coaches or mentors? We’ve spent a fortune on various types of counseling and psychologists for both DDs with very little benefit so wary about trying anything else without a strong indication it will be different.

@ObsessiveGoogler
We have also thrown so much money at counselling, CBT, DBT etc but now I am fed up.
I refuse to arrange any more..she does have weekly counselling but she only discussed topics she wants to. I cannot suggest topics to her counsellor due to privacy.
I would really want her to pick on why she chooses these alpha type people who don't give her two hoots but DD would refuse as she doesn't see there is a problem.
Right now my only hope is her pre-frontal cortex maturing eventually. I remind myself ND kids are a few years emotionally younger so she isn't emotionally 18 yet...
Xx

@RainyDayCoffee yes I hope she will eventually grow out of it. I think DD is learning slowly but is certainly not there yet, and am not sure she will sort it in time to make her years at uni positive and a success.

I think you can give them sessions of various kinds and supports but we each come with the measure of how much socially we are capable of consuming, some of us just do not like going out really that much and by the time we are 28, we are turning to complete homebodies and that is fine

your daughter is intelligent and yes, she is very mature actually to discuss the topics that she wants to discuss, why she should be forced to discuss things she does not want

Is there a refreshers week. Could you sit and look at list with her and nudge her towards societies she may enjoy. Something a bit more structured than just clubbing like cocktail society or get a role so she’s a key member not on periphery.
Scout and Guide society? Usually will be some ND yp there and welcoming. Could volunteer at a local unit or just attend the social events.
Friendships do evolve in yr1.