Anyone else struggling to adjust to adult children needing you less

[Newyearsparkle]

I have 4 DC ,3 mid to late twenties and one older teen
I am struggling so much with them growing up and flying the nest
No one would know I feel like this
,I hide it very well
,I encourage them to see the world and get out and about .
But inside I feel lost ,like I'm loosing my family .
I'm just wondering if this is a normal feeling that other mums feel,
or if it's a symptom of my depression ( which I am taking meds for )
It doesn't help I have no other family except a DH and my DC ,
Be lovely to hear from other mums or dads feeling the same x

It’s a hard transition period. Maybe you’d benefit from some counselling. You are losing them as little children but gaining them as adults. You’ve clearly achieved your role of equipping them for life. Our role as mothers isnt to keep them close forever. Well done for faking it in front of them though! Hopefully will get easier with time and you are definitely not alone in this feeling!

Thankyou
Yes I definitely don't hold them back
My DD was due to join us for new year's Eve and today ,but I gave her a shove to go to stay with some friends in a big city and have a night out .
Obviously I would of loved her company..but your only young once

I've always been very aware of that saying
Children are lent to us for a little while ..
So I knew they would grow up ,fly the nest ,be independent,and that's what I want for them .
for all of them ( that's a topic for another day )
So I'm surprised I'm feeling like this , especially as DD left home about 5 years ago.

You need to reframe it, it’s due to you doing such a good job raising them that they are independent. Our job as parents is to teach them the skills to be independent then let them go into the world. Most of us do have times when we wish time would go back, I miss my DD’s being around but I remember that I didn’t think dd1 was capable of independence and is so congratulate myself for defying doctors predictions

My mum used to say to me that she gave me roots and wings. It’s a nice way to frame it.

Yes very true ,I completely agree

I like this saying

It's about losing a role.

I am widowed now and even more roles vanish into thin air.

For instance I have lovely Christmases with my AC, but that central role in organising Christmas and being the lynchpin of the family is gone. There are of course compensations but it is a loss.

That's life - it moves on and we have to move with it.

Sorry to hear that @Mischance ,must be hard for you
Yes it is about loosing a role

I feel the same. It’s like I’ve been made redundant after dedicating everything to them for over three decades (oldest is 33, youngest is 21). I’ve given so much of myself that I don’t even know who I am, there’s nothing left of me now outside of being ‘mum’. It just seems to have all ended so abruptly.

This year I plan on building myself back up, finding some new hobbies and purpose. I’m so proud of my DCs, and I’m proud of myself too but I’m just a bit lost. I’m sure everyone goes through it and it’s normal. I hope you find a new mojo OP!

Yes that's it exactly
I need to find myself to
Hence starting on antidepressants to hopefully get myself out of this negative rut

Youngest is back home after uni and we are "negotiating" living together as adults, so she can save towards a deposit.

Eldest has flown and lets me know if I overstep any boundaries of "interference" rather than advising... Hard to step back sometimes.

Yes hard to just let them get on with things and not offer advice .

I feel exactly the same, especially today when one has returned to uni and one has jetted off abroad on the same day. I'm proud and know that I've succeeded in growing beautiful, independent young people but still feel I'm grieving for the loss of my role as a mummy.

It is very difficult when our roles in their life drastically change ,and our head has yet to catch up x

I think it’s normal but hard. I’m finding it quite tricky at each stage. Ds is 21 and still asking my advice occasionally and it’s always a red-letter day when he does. I’m missing him very much. The scariest thing at the moment is I’d be inappropriately delighted if he got his girlfriend pregnant!!

😂

That made me chuckle!

Oh what I'd give for a week with my 4 year old DD again. I'm very proud of the lovely, independent young woman she's become but sometimes I miss my little girl. And there's nowt wrong with that!

I agree ,I think it's all normal development for them and us mums
Now it's our time ,to find ourselves again,away from being mother's and wives

Feel the same. I think it's important to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to experience those feelings. I find it's useful to write down how you are feeling (maybe burn afterwards!) Just remember you've done (and are doing) a great job as a parent

yes. I feel a bit scared about how much I’ve changed since becoming a mum, and how much of my identity became tied up with it. I also need to find out who I am now. I miss him being around me everywhere and asking hundreds of questions.

After so many years of being at the hub of our family wheel, I’m feeling the arrival of a new life stage.
Grandparents are no more, DC1 is on a good career path and DC2 has just started University in our city. They’re reliable and conscientious young people. DH retired 2 years ago but hasn’t done much. I’ve reduced my workload to keep him company.

We’re talking about blowing a few thousand on renting a place in a beautiful part of the country for a few months and just pleasing ourselves (and the dog), like we did before the kids arrived. DC2 can live the life of an independent student with additional home comforts and we can re-connect while we still have our health and are commitment free!