Sorry for this long post, there’s a lot of background information which gives context as to how I’ve ended up in this situation. I have no one to speak to in real life.
I was raised by my Nan as my mum had me from a one night stand when she was very young and has never loved me. My Nan was emotionally and physically abusive towards me and I was then groomed as a teenager, my first ‘boyfriend’ was the only person who made me feel loved but he was 31 and I was 15. 5 years later, I had my son and suffered with post natal psychosis. A lot of my childhood memories with my mum were unlocked and I didn’t bond with my baby. I left his dad and lived alone with my son.
My Nan, his great-Nan, helped to care a lot for him during his childhood years. I took in long shifts to get away from him. His dad died of a drug overdose and wasn’t ever in his life, nor were his paternal family. My mum lived nearby but has never been of any help. So it was me, my Nan and my son.
In my later 20s, I had a little girl from a relationship with a bully and the following year I had to take both children to a refuge to flee domestic abuse from him. I went through a year if Family Court, social services, moving around and no one to help us other than the support staff. We settled in a new area and I threw myself into raising them, studying and working. But I was depressed, angry and exhausted with very poor mental health. I couldn’t cope with my children and I am ashamed to say that I would hit them a lot, especially my son.
At the age of 14, my son started shoplifting, hitting his sister, trying to set the house on fire, smoking weed. He then went to live with my Nan and stayed with her from 2018 up until two months ago. He had his old friends there from before we went to the refuge and although he didn’t do well at school, he was happy with his friends. Although I have since learned that he dabbled in drugs like ketamine and speed, he was also heavily addicted to weed.
When he was 17, he started working with a builder and completed his Level 3 apprenticeship. He would leave my nan’s at 7am and wouldn’t be home until 9pm some days, working hard. He would come home and make tea for him and my Nan (in her 80s by now), tidy up then go to bed. Because of the weed, he never had money despite earning a wage and so I was always sending him money to help pay bills.
Then in 2023, he met his first girlfriend. she lived a distance away and he would get the train there after work on Friday then come home Sundays. Her family are healthy and loving, I think he had a shock as he has only known dysfunction. They treated him like their own and took him on holidays. Then he found out that she cheated on him and everything changed. They got back together but he stopped turning up to work, staying at her house for weeks until he was sacked. Her mum confided in me that he was drinking and gambling. By then, I had sent him £4000 in two years through helping him out. He didn’t speak to me for months after I told his girlfriend’s mum about this. They broke up and he went back to my nan’s, he had no job and spent days in his room.
Then in November, my Nan kicked him out and he came back to live with me and it has been hard. I am a single mum, I work full time and my daughter is AuDHD. I have struggled with her for years and have no support, she has moved around 4 schools and last week, I called the ambulance and police as she was hurting herself with a knife.
My son does not work, I helped him to apply for UC and he spends it within days. He has not contributed to bills or food but he eats a lot. He will sleep all day, waking at tea time and watching tv all night. He doesn’t wash dishes, complains when I ask him to walk the dog, doesn’t do laundry. He does attend a local kick-boxing class x4 a week which helps his mental health but it means me driving him there and back all four evenings and im home late. It tires me out and then as he is late in the bath with lights on and making noise, my daughter gets angry as she can’t sleep. I gave him my room as the spare room is a mess and has a lot of rubbish there, so I am in the single bed in the small room and I miss sleeping with our pet dog in my big bed, and going to bed early.
I have been lenient as it is Christmas but he had his UC and money from my mum, Nan and aunt for Christmas and he spent this in the pub. He has also brought women home from the pub despite me asking him not to, I will wake up around 4am to him coming in drunk with a girl from the pub.
Last week, he opened a Christmas card from my Nan - there was £40 for him and £30 for my daughter but he stole a £10 from her. He teases her, calls her ‘retard’, ‘your daughter is a bitch’, he will push her when he knows she gets overwhelmed and becomes angry. Tonight, I went to his room as they both argue over chargers and I saw a large stain from Ribena spilled on the carpet. I asked why he hasn’t cleaned it and he said “oh I will tomorrow” so I had to get the carpet cleaner out.
I was always in bed by 8pm with my dog, up at 6am with my daughter. Now im wide awake until early hours. He keeps saying he is getting a job in January as there’s no building work until then, I say he could have taken in cleaning work. He didn’t even get me a card for Christmas.
He has a Kickboxing fight in a few months so I try and buy good healthy food him, drive him to training, I bought him gloves and boots for Christmas but he said they were wrong colours. Tonight he made comments about my weight.
I have only had hin back two months and I absolutely hate it. I have been a terrible mum and am trying to make up for it but it’s so hard.