I’m posting because I’m having a particularly bad day today and could do with hearing from anyone who’s had something similar.
For a bit of background, I have three children and my eldest daughter, who this is about, is 22. I adore my children – truly, I am crazy about them – and even writing this feels painful and disloyal, because I love her so much.
For some further background: she’s my first child. I was a single mum since she was 3, living with my family, and we have always been exceptionally close. I met my husband when she was 11 and went on to have two more children when she was 12 and 14. We are a very close, loving family unit. She lives at home, her siblings adore her, and my husband and her get on beautifully.
She is a lovely, sweet, normal young woman. She works, has friends, doesn’t drink or take drugs, isn’t wild. She’s bright and kind. She does, however, struggle with self-esteem (although physically she is quite stunning) and has had a few long-term relationships that haven’t worked out, which I think has affected her confidence.
The issue is that very occasionally she has extreme, angry, violent outbursts towards me. They don’t happen often – maybe once a year, sometimes a few times over several months – but when they do, it’s like she becomes a completely different person, and it’s frightening.
During these episodes she is intensely angry, verbally abusive, and has broken or tried to break things. In the last outburst she hit me – not hard, but still. She says deeply hurtful things and has no control over her emotions in that moment. She always directs it at me, never at anyone else. Sometimes it happens in front of her younger siblings, which I hate, but mostly because I don’t want them to ever think badly of her.
Today’s trigger was incredibly small. She made a comment about something I was going to cook, I said she’s a picky eater (not in a patronising way, just a throwaway comment), it turned into a bit of an argument, I walked out leaving her to cool off and she completely lost it. She accused me of being controlling, disrespectful, treating the younger children like slaves, demanded I take it back, called me a c---, tried to smash dishes. I later found that she had cut up a Christmas present she’d bought me yesterday, saying I didn’t deserve it.
After these episodes she’s usually very low and apologetic. We haven’t spoken yet, but that’s the usual pattern.
I work with children and I’m a counsellor myself, so I know that this anger comes from somewhere else – often when she’s feeling bad about herself. I know she needs support and probably therapy to address it. I also know, deep down, that she doesn’t truly mean the things she says. But that doesn’t stop it hurting. Despite the incidents, my main thing is worry...I worry about her because I know she is not in a good place
I don’t really talk about this to anyone. I’ve told two close friends, but not my husband. I don’t want to paint her in a bad light to anyone, especially not her siblings. That would honestly hurt me more than what she says to me. So I tend to keep it in, have a cry on my own, and then carry on.
Aside from these episodes, we genuinely have a beautiful relationship. We’re incredibly close, open with each other, best friends in many ways. That’s what makes this so confusing and upsetting.
I suppose I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar with an adult child – these rare but extreme outbursts, especially when linked to self-esteem or emotional regulation. I know the practical answers already, but I think I just needed to say it out loud and not feel so alone.
Thank you for reading.