Feeling so guilty..advice appreciated.

[Solar55]

My daughter was diagnosed with MS a few days ago. Completely out of the blue-No signs. Found when had MRI for something else.
Further MRI with dye needed on 23rd.
We are all devastated and trying to come to terms with it.

I want to be at the 2nd MRI. However heres what is causing tension:
-appointment very late in day. I live in another county 2 hours away. I wont be allowed into scanning room but want to be there for her anyway.
Prices of coach/train very high to spend one hour there.
-my partner cant drive as recovering from major surgery. I dont drive.
-i have been off work for 4 weeks unwell. The scan day is the 1st day im due back at work!!
-i am aware her in Laws ( very dominating characters) will be there that day as husband ( their son)having surgery same day! I dont get along with in Laws and dont want to risk seeing them as its likely daughter will be brought to appt by them. She has previously done this where i am put in a situation where they are also present at a very important time for me and my daughter and im basically ignored/feel invisible.
-am willing to manage it all but work is an issue.
-daughter got snippy with me saying im causing her too much stress and shes arranged for "someine else" to go with her.
-i feel so guilty and like a useless mum.
_ i have expalined the challenges whilst trying to get there for her but she basically says thats my choice.
I know it is a frightening time for her and im heartbroken i cant get there with only 2 days notice but she refuses to understand. Maybe im wrong??
Advice appreciated.

Virtual handhold.
My son was just diagnosed October 25th he lives far away (8hrs). I’m heartbroken scared angry an emotional mess.
His fiancé is being amazing and my dh has been great.
She’ll be okay and hopefully you see her soon.

Thank you, cant help feeling ive let her down though 😔.wishing your son the very best through this frightening time x

Positive thoughts for your DD.
His assessments and appointments although set up have all been painfully slow and drawn out. It’s driving us near insane.
i need to present calm support.

It is a frightening and distressing time for everybody but she will be fine! It is just an MRI and the Radiographer isn't going to tell her anything. You may be better waiting until she has a follow up with the Neurology consultant - that is when she might need you more. Try not to cause her any more stress and I say that in the kindest way. I know everybody is different bus stress can me a real trigger for setting my MS symptoms off!

Has she got a definite diagnosis of MS and if so, which type? I would be very surprised if this has happened after just one MRI unless she has a huge amount of brain or spinal lesions. If she has not displayed any symptoms of MS previously, and has not had a lumbar puncture they are unlikely to have made a formal diagnosis.

Don't panic - she could go 20 years with showing any symptoms. And if it does progress more quickly there will many occasions when she needs mum's support, far more than being with her for an MRI. Wishing your daughter well xx

Thank you so much for the great advice. Im a Nurse and was surprised that they saw it in MRI and made diagnosis. Dr said MRI with contrast dye will show if theres old lesions as well as the a the active leisons in spine and in brain that they say they can see. Yes at least Neurologist appt will give us more information as we know very little atm.x

Emotions are going to be running high for everyone OP, it's a scary time for you all but I'll be honest and say I can see why DD got snippy. From her perspective you're either coming to the scan or you're not and I'm not sure she needed to know about your logistical/work issues unless they definitively mean you can't make it. She has so much going on in her head right now and trying to talk through how you get round your obstacles to being there for her was probably a bit more than she could cope with, and may well have come across to her as you not really wanting to be there, even though you didn't mean it that way. As for the in-law issue I would just suck that up in these circumstances, what DD will remember is whether you were there or not and I would rather put up with being ignored for an hour than have her look back and know I wasn't there when she needed me. It's all about her right now, if you really can't make it because of work that's fair enough but she doesn't need to hear about the rest.

Apologies OP if I was preaching to the converted. If your Daughter's hospital has an MS Nurse Specialist they are excellent. Much easier to access than the Neurologists but equally as knowledgeable and probably more empathetic and caring.

@Gasbox.Thank you for reply, it made sense and tbh all of that went through my mind too. Feel helpless but if I were in her shoes id no doubt feel the same. Your reply has brought clarity and truth to the situation xx

@TheMoanerLisayou are right-I have said to my daughter the Specialist Nurses will be your go to people as they have so much knowledge and exertise in this area.I am hoping once they are involved she will feel more informed and able to manage things. As a mother I just want to take it all away from her x

If this was me I'd just want to go by myself. I wouldn't want to have to think about anyone else and their emotions.

Also she's 28 - it would never have occurred to me to want a parent with me for a medical procedure.

Agree with @Gasbox. Can’t remember where it came from, but in these situations you must think about concentric circles of concern. When something awful happens to someone the person most directly affected (your DD) is in the central circle. You- as closely related- are affected but not so directly, so you are a rung outwards, in the second circle (or third after her husband and children). The basic principle is that support has to be forwarded always to the inner circles, while support is received only from the outer circles. Your DD needs to receive your support, she cannot give you support. That means she cannot worry about you and your relationship with your inlaws or whether you feel guilty or not, or challenges with your work. Just try to be there, and if you can’t, tell her in a way that minimises the burden on her and helps her still feel loved and supported.

for you- you also need to seek support in a further away circle…. So you get to dump your worries/dilemmas on your friends, who are less distressed about your DD than you are. Hope this is useful.

Forgive me if I’m misunderstanding but has she actually asked you to be there or is this a case of you wanting to be there?

Because if she hasn’t asked you and you’re making this upheaval about it, then I’d probably be annoyed too. She doesn’t need the ins and outs of it, you’re either able to go or not.

If she asked you to come, just tell her the truth and that you probably won’t be able to but hopefully you’ll attend the next time.

I know you are understandably worried, but you are making this all about you. It sounds like your daughter doesn't expect or want you to be there for this appointment, so please stop fretting about it.

I am sure she will need you later, but you need to be led by her. People doing things because of what they think you should need, rather than what you actually need is not helpful.

You will definitely need to let go of this competition with her in-laws.

@reversingdumptruckwithnotyresonYes she asked me to go with her but working in NHS 2 days notice esp this time of year is impossible. Have reassured her I will be there next time.x

@TheSmallAssassinThanks for reply,she does want me to be there and i cannot get time off with 2 days notice. Re In Laws -each time I try to be in same place as them and my daughter they just take over and dominate the situation.I feel invisible.im certainly not competing with them as my personality is not loud and dominating. They live nearer they drive and theyre retired so more available than me.i cant compete with that sadly.