My only daughter lives in the Caribbean. She moved to set up home with her boyfriend there last year. We are very close and she has autism. She’s extremely important to me and has wanted me to visit for a while as they have been back-and-forth until last year.
I have managed to organise going out after Christmas and what was going to be two weeks has now turned into 5!. I will be working online the last three weeks but will be around to see her in the afternoons and weekends.
I was in an abusive marriage up until a few years ago, I have somehow managed to stay put and sort myself out, despite my ex-husband taking a lot of money from me, even though we were only married for three years, as he said he was owed for various things like our wedding which we both paid for. His solicitor insisted I also paid for his temporary living because I threw him out after he assaulted me for the last time he also took half the equity in our flat where I had put in 400,000 from my previous home and he had only put in 180,000.
I feel like now, for the first time in my life I have a few options. I work online which gives me freedom.This last year I have come away/ faded out a few friendships and sisters that were quite toxic. These people although lovely at times did not seem to like seeing me do okay or feel positive or do well. I’ve been through a lot and have got through it with a lot of grit and determination. I have probably just a couple of close friends left who I trust who are regular kind and caring.
After I split up with my ex, I got a beautiful dog. I’ve always had a dog. He’s the sweetest company and my soul Dog. But I also have my Daughter who now lives so far away. Sometimes I feel like life would be easier without a dog. I’m not getting any younger, but I have my health right now and I’m earning enough to see her. But he’s a Velcro dog. My every day is routined and planned around his needs at a time where I thought I might have a bit of freedom.
This trip means a lot to me going out to see my daughter, but I feel terribly guilty for leaving my dog even though I found a lovely couple to stay in my home while I go away away and follow his routine. I seem to swing between feeling terribly guilty and cruel in leaving him to looking forward to being able to go and sit on a beach or go to a café without thinking about him and his needs.
I’ve always been a carer and just seem to have transferred it on to the next challenge.
I can’t just wait till I’m in my mid seventies when I may not have my dog to go and see my daughter and I may not have my health then. But day-to-day life, especially in the winter feels like it takes its toll on me with endless walks. I have POTS and low blood pressure and really suffer in the cold weather in England.
Should I be feeling guilty for wanting more freedom? Should I even have a dog? Who should I be prioritising my daughter or my dog? Or myself?