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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Voicing concerns to my new grandsons father (my son)

22 replies

BuckleyJeff · 17/12/2025 17:42

Hi all. I have a 32 year old son who is slightly on the spectrum..he’s a teacher. His father ( my ex husband died 2 years ago) . I’m really concerned that my son is ncreasinly unhealthy. Overweight, tired and stressed all the time, but has a sort of ‘poor me’ victim mentality.
In my generation ( I’m 64) me and his dad worked really hard and had 3 young children? My husband worked 2 jobs and was fixing our first house and cycling to work across London, at the same age.
my son does no exercise at all, has an unhealthy relationship with food etc etc. I want to know if I should write him a letter about his responsibilities and the legacy of his father, whose memory my son absolutely worships.
Our society is very different now, and my son and his wife’s family are not health conscious. I feel a responsibility to voice my concern before things go to far.
he also has a brother who survived cancer twice and the had a stem cell transplant. His brother, is active and health conscious, and is easy to communicate with.

any thoughts?

OP posts:

LadyKedleston · 17/12/2025 17:43

No good will come of it.

user1471538275 · 17/12/2025 17:43

Your son is an adult, perfectly capable of managing his own life.

Unless asked for advice, any given will likely cause hurt and offense.

As for 'slightly on the spectrum' - what do you mean? Does your son have a diagnosis of neurodiversity or is this just your opinion that allows you to infer that he is incapable?

If my mother sent me such a letter she would not be hearing from me for quite some time.

Echobelly · 17/12/2025 17:45

As above, unless he's asked for some help, don't 'offer' it. It's not something you have control over.

Celestialmoods · 17/12/2025 17:46

Don’t do it. A letter criticising him, comparing him to his late father and trying to make him feel guilty for living his life his way, is never going to land well.

333FionaG · 17/12/2025 17:47

Leave him be. I'm sure he is aware he is not leading the most healthy of lifestyles. Writing a letter won't be favourably received.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/12/2025 17:51

Another one saying don’t do it. A letter from his mother criticising his lifestyle etc when hes been a responsible adult for years is rude and unlikely to be appreciated (I wouldn’t talk to mine if she did something like that). Leave him be, be there if he needs you, not interfering when he doesn’t..

CurlsLDN · 17/12/2025 17:52

You’re right, life is very different now to how it was when you were his age.

He is under different stresses, the pressures and requirements of today’s lifestyle are totally different to your experience and his priorities and responsibilities are in different places to yours. Try to understand what they are, rather than berate him for not doing things how you did or feel he should.

btw, ‘slightly on the spectrum’ is offensive

EatYourDamnPie · 17/12/2025 17:55

What would you actually say?

Dear Son,

You’re too fat and failing as a son. Your father is rolling in his grave. Do better.

love, mum

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/12/2025 17:56

He may be sensory soothing with food.

I’m 62. Society is different but not that different. There is much more focus on a healthy lifestyle than there was 40 years ago.

Leavr him be. He doesn’t need his mum to criticise him. Just always support him.

feathermucker · 17/12/2025 17:57

Absolutely do NOT do this.

Cadenza12 · 17/12/2025 17:59

He knows, he chooses his lifestyle. This is the way to go if you want to find yourself estranged. Bite your tongue.

Mumofteenandtween · 17/12/2025 17:59

Depends if you actually like your son. If my mum had written me a letter like that when I was struggling with first time parenthood I doubt I would ever have forgiven her.

Seawolves · 17/12/2025 18:03

I'm 62, I think people today are more health conscious not less. No good will come of your letter, it is more likely to make things worse not better.

Oneearringlost · 17/12/2025 18:06

He is a teacher, I would be very proud of him.
Who knows...he may be one of those teachers that makes a difference, maybe just to one child's life? There is often more to a person than their weight/lifestyle.
How do you know what his 'responsibilities' are, to his job and students?
I really wouldn't write this letter.
Celebrate him for who he is.

DaisyChain505 · 17/12/2025 18:06

I disagree with most here. I think it’s ok to raise this in a non confrontational or condescending manner.

Next time you’re with him I would just casually ask if he’s thought about his diet and lifestyle a bit more now that he’s a father as he’s not just living for himself anymore. He needs to be healthy so he can live a long life to see his son grow up and so he can run around and play with him and also so he’s setting a good example to his son with regards to health and diet.

FrippEnos · 17/12/2025 18:11

It sounds like you don't really like your DS, understand what his job entails or what he is going through.

JLou08 · 17/12/2025 18:27

I think comparing him to and talking about the legacy of his deceased father is an awful way to go about it. Your post just screams of judgement and embarrassment of your DS and his partners family rather than you having any genuine concern.
What do you mean 'slightly on the spectrum'? We could all be slightly on the spectrum, is he autistic or not?

3gumstonight · 17/12/2025 19:29

c. I want to know if I should write him a letter about his responsibilities and the legacy of his father,

WTF?

No!!

3gumstonight · 17/12/2025 19:30

Let me guess, you aren’t at all close to your son and his wife?

Safxxx · 17/12/2025 19:38

You will only push him further to misery...he will think his failed his father who he adored, and let you down with it. His an adult and is married...let them work it out for themselves. You can offer any support to help...but don't ruin your relationship with them over your opinion which Will offend them. Stop comparing him to his dad...or his brother or anyone...love and support him for who he is.

Trotula · 17/12/2025 21:10

Definite don’t write him a letter, nuance is everything and if he’s “slightly on the spectrum” he might misinterpret what you say anyway. He might pore over your letter time and again reopening the wound. Your dil will probably be angry too and you may find yourself in a no contact situation with not only them but also your grandson.
Perhaps some of his unhealthy eating and exercise habits are as a result of a job he is finding increasingly stressful since the birth of his son? He needs support and not criticism from his mum!

willowthecat · 19/12/2025 18:17

A letter seems a strange way to raise concerns ! How would you feel if he wrote you a letter saying he is concerned that you have unrealistic expectations about how much you should be able to direct his life. He is 32, it's many years since he was a child looking to you for guidance. You have to accept that

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