If your child has gone NC

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If you’re a parent of an adult child who has gone NC with you, do you know why?

I’ve read so many accounts, on here and elsewhere, of parents who seem completely baffled and heartbroken by it, can think of no reason at all.

But surely for a child to do something as drastic as cut all contact, you must have an inkling why?

Agreed. Your lack of boundaries and discomfort in saying no was because of your overbearing mother, it wasn't something inherent to you.

Two of my three children have gone no contact with me. I am no contact with my mother. I know exactly why they thought it was necessary to cut me out of their lives. I behaved in ways that alienated my children from me. I accept I am responsible for the estrangement. I am on medication and will begin therapy this week.

Untreated mental illness played a big part in my current situation, also immaturity and lack of boundaries. I miss them desperately and hope that they will
allow me back in their lives when they see I am willing to get help and change.

I find that society expects us to allow our parents to treat us however they see fit and we should continue to have them in our lives simply because they are our mum or dad.

What difference does that make?

I would never allow anyone else to treat me the way my mum has treated me for all of my life, yet as she’s my parent I’m expected to just let it go as going NC is considered to be a horrific action to take against a parent (in the eyes of society).

I just don’t understand it.

Why should my life, my emotional/mental health and my happiness be sacrificed just because the person who hurts me is my mum?

Exactly. @KaleQueen is right, @WonderingWanda . The reason you had poor boundaries in the first place and would tolerate such treatment was most likely because you’d been treated in that way during your childhood, as you described. Please stop blaming yourself.

I could not agree more.

Why should there be this expectation that people subject themselves to more of this, having endured it for an entire childhood?

It makes no sense at all.

Being the person’s parent isn’t an excuse for it, it makes it far, far worse, because the parents are meant to be the source of security and unconditional love and self-worth during the crucial development during childhood. The damage can’t be undone and the child has to live with it for life. The excuses put forward are pathetic given that the parents chose to have the child and the child was completely dependent upon them. This makes treating them badly more abhorrent, not more forgivable.

It’s clear that a lot of the parents involved are still deluding themselves about the true extent of the impact of their behaviour.

The fact it’s your parent makes it ten times worse. When your mother is your bully in your own home when you also depend on her for safety is one of the most mentally damaging things a child can experience. It sets you up for a lifetime of caution, mistrust, anxiety, never feeling loveable. Speaking from experience here.

Absolutely.

I would never, ever wish harm or ill health on my mom, but if I could make her disappear I would.

But I can’t, so no contact is my only option.

Sadly, going NC has come with so many complex emotions that I still feel like she has a level of control over me. It’s awful. I don’t think I will ever be free of her and the emotional turmoil she causes me.

Meanwhile she’s flitting about telling everyone that she’s got no idea why I have cut her out of my life and how hard she finds it and what a victim she is etc etc with absolutely no clue as to the level of trauma and damage she has caused me.

The only good thing that has come out of being parented by her, is that I always knew what kind of parent I never, ever wanted to be.

@LondonLady1980 same. It does get slightly easier as time goes on. I don’t think it’s ever what anyone wants - it certainly wasn’t what I wanted.

I’m really struggling at the moment as this will be the first Christmas since we’ve gone NC and I know she’ll be on her own on Christmas Day.

I feel horrid about it 😔

One of the worst things I have heard said was when dh's Mother said to him: "Well I didn't have to have you." He was supposed to be grateful to be born apparently.

I know why my adult daughter has cut me off.
But I don't know how to fix it.
I don't think I can fix it.
I have apologised and asked if I can and how I can make amends.
I have told her how sorry I am.
It has been a year.
I have WhatsApp ed one message a week in that year.
But I think this is seen as manipulative/guilt tripping.
She now has stated to her father that she wants me to leave her alone.
The message is clear. She wants no contact from me. So I need to stop.
It feels like a catch 22.
In that, if I stop then that means I have given up trying/may be taken that I didn't love her enough.
But if I don't stop then I am not listening/am a control freak. Even though I am probably texting into the ether/am muted anyway.
So I am stopping from today because I do want her to have peace. And to feel heard and respected.
My question to those of you who did go NC. Would anything your parent did or said ever help mend the damage they caused? Did you ever want that? Do I give up entirely or write letters to store in a box?
If you could have one thing from your parents now, what would it be? Because the only thing I can do now, I think, is to leave her be.
Thanks in advance

@Wanttomakeamends what happened to make her cut you off? That might help me to give some advice. If my mother had apologised every time she’d done something I’d probably still be hanging on to the hope. But if you’ve done stuff repeatedly and not apologised then one big apology because you’re now finally feeling the pain she’s been going through won’t cut it. So was it one thing, or years of stuff?

Did you start a thread about this recently? If you did I think I commented that you’ve been through years of this she’s had her chances don’t feel guilty. Don’t ❤️

@Wanttomakeamends It really depends on what happened - maybe your DD is unreasonable, maybe she just needs time to cool off

At one point I desperately wanted my mother to speak to me honestly about what happened, to show remorse, genuinely apologise, so we could try to build a new relationship.

Now it is too late and there is nothing she could do that would ever make me take the risk of trying to talk to her again after every attempt to do talk to her for so many years being met with gaslighting, self-justification, defensiveness, denial, and victim-blaming.

I don’t know if it’s the same with your child. It depends what you did, how you reacted when they tried to resolve it with you prior to them cutting off contact, how much it affected them (did you do one huge terrible thing or were you terrible to them throughout childhood, chipping away at them? - the latter is much worse and harder to get past) and how much they are prepared to risk further harm to themselves because while you might feel you have changed they have no way of knowing that for sure so are taking a huge risk to open it all up again. Also if they have children they are probably less likely to do it because then it would potentially expose their children to risk of harm as well if you have not really changed much, and leopards do not often really change their spots, just disguise them a little.

By the time it gets to a “no contact” situation then the damage is very extreme indeed and by definition the child sees no prospect of improvement or a way back, having tried everything they can think of to repair things and all having failed.

I think that if you’ve made it clear you want to talk to her and she’s not responded you should respect her wishes. If she changes her mind she’ll contact you.

In dh's case, there is nothing that can be done to fix a childhood of emotional abuse, and a decade of estrangement. His parents have not once asked what they did to cause it, and infact invented a small reason in conjunction with a "what have we done" amnesia demeanor to convince others dh is being petty/unreasonable.

Parents always had a tendency to sweep under the rug (there honestly is not a rug big enough). Dh has came to the realisation through years of therapy that they are incapable of facing up to what they have done, as this would require taking accountability, which they are incapable of doing; they do not have emotional intelligence.

In all of the years they have not so much as written a letter to dh, or sent texts, or rang (he blocked them and changed his numbe, but I never did as knew they wouldn't bother). They send birthday and Christmas cards (although randomly stopped for acouple of years), then unfortunately started sending again. There is an occasional "miss you all", like we're on holiday for 2 weeks, it has been years. I also don't know who "you all" is considering they haven't even met their biological grandchildren. We also notice it will usually happen around Christmas because they are lonely and miserable, as have essentially isolated themselves through their own self serving misery.

We spotted them once a few years ago, sauntering around tanned without a care in the world at a time we needed support (the 2 year gap). Funnily enough now they need us as they're getting older and have nothing going on. If that is effort than it is laughable.

@Wanttomakeamends

It sort of depends on the reasons for NC. In my case on parent was more down to circumstances, addiction and MH issues. They recognised it, spent many years straightening themselves out and in therapy, and when we were both ready (was Christmas cards only up to that point) we built a new relationship. Not as parent and child though.

The other - complex MH issues, selective memory, abusive, addiction issues, victim mentality - it never resolved despite many failed attempts on my part to get them help. They are now in a nursing home and the task of sorting out their affairs has fallen to me as their only child. It has been like death by a thousand cuts. I had been hoping to find some glimmer of recognition or remorse. Nothing. Not one single drop. Lots in their diaries and personal paper work about how badly they have been treated by everyone, but nothing on their role in this. They simply don't see it.

Unless you can own it. Unless you recognise it, don't push it.

The difference between parent 1 and parent 2 for me, was that parent 1 got well because of me. Parent 2 stayed ill and abusive, in spite of me.

I'm the parent.

No contact was initiated when we met for lunch - as we often did. I was told I was abusive. Confused, I asked for an example and the only one that was given was that I hadn't provided a freshly laundered school uniform every morning (newly washed jumper and trousers every day). I didn't understand.

A week later, when doing some banking admin, I realised DC had cancelled their monthly direct debit that was due the day before the above lunch meeting. I had taken on £1,000s of their debt and they were meant to be paying it off at the rate of £100 a month.

They told their father that they had gone NC with me because I was a toxic narcissist who manipulated everyone around me. The examples they gave to support this was me being in therapy for several years pretending that I needed support, my NHS diagnosis of autism that I'd clearly faked the symptoms for, my success at work which was apparently built on me fooling all the professionals around me, my long and successful marriage merely being evidence of my coercive and controlling behaviour ... You get the picture.

In all honesty, we didn't have a great relationship when they were a kid. I did neglect them. Their sibling has a life threatening and life limiting condition. It must have been tough growing up with your sibling often in hospital and your mum mentally fried.

This changed when they (the NC DC) had their first child. For nearly 15 years I threw myself into supporting them. For example, I went part time so that I could provide all childcare free and they could get on with their career, I bought them anything and everything they needed, we went out for lunch, spa days, afternoon teas, day trips, etc., just the two of us, and I was always explicit that I knew this was me trying to repair the damage I'd unintentionally done. It was good. We talked lots. DC also treated me: a bottle of my favourite perfume, a special mother's day event, little things like taking a beach chair in their car because they know I have difficulty getting up of the ground.

Never a cross word was said in nearly 15 years. But the thing is, they'd lied to their partner about the debt. Their partner didn't know anything about it. And they were looking to remortgage so all bank account details would have to be disclosed. Combined with this, DGC was now older and so childcare wasn't needed.

No one in the entire family can understand why DC went NC. Their father doesn't understand, neither does their nan, none of their aunts or uncles or cousins. Not even their siblings. Their own child, my DGC can't work it out either. I have a few theories:

1. To escape the debt issue as this coming out would destroy their marriage.
2. They're a bit of a conspiracy theorist / anti-vaxer / right-wing wellness fan and they've stumbled over some online crap that is supports their Andrew Tate inspired view of the world - they were paying a subscription fee to be part of the 'red pill' family.
3. They simply don't need me anymore so it's easier to ignore the last 15 years and focus on that time I had agoraphobia and couldn't take them out when they were 10 (as an example of how I neglected them as a child).

Hope that helps.

Neglect is a small word but one of big impact for a child.

The difficulty is, neglect is not an overdraft you can pay back. You will find that money a poor proxy. That doesn’t mean you paid it back.

Children get one childhood. It is unique. Forgiveness might happen. But forgetting? Not often.

I believe babies are not a blank canvas, and born with predetermined genetic traits. There is a sort of nature versus nurture dynamic. Environment shapes the person, having a positive or negative effect on those traits.
For example, one of my children is ND and was naturally unaffectionate. It was very much a putting everything in with nothing back relationship for a long time, no smiles or eye contact. I showered , dc with love every single day. Dc is now so loving, looks me in the eyee and gives me the most beautiful hugs, and it melts my heart to see.

Yeah. I just couldn't be in two places at once - at one child's bedside while they fought for their life and also out on day trips with the other. The neglect comes from a cumulative total of years spent in intensive care with the very poorly DC

I understand the impact. Just not clear on what I should be asking forgiveness for. Could you say more? Your thinking might help me understand their thinking.

I thought you said you didn’t take them out because you were agoraphobic?

If you have to ask, they will never forget

@ProudCat
It sounds like you were doing the very best that you could under very difficult circumstances. You have also given her a lot of support since then.
The debt may be the reason or she could have fallen down a social media hole that justifies (in her mind) going NC with you. Maybe she blames your ‘neglect’ for her debt because it is often easy to blame others for our own bad choices. It sounds like she’s not great at facing up to things if she’s been dishonest with her family about her debts.
No mother is perfect and she is also providing a template for her own daughter in how to treat her in the future……
Look after yourself.