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Original poster

DS20 and his domineering GF help please

16 replies

Kippergodzillar · 14/12/2025 10:36

So DS20 is back from uni for Xmas and has bought his GF with him (she’s an international student so won’t be going ‘home’ for the winter break)

she is here cooking for the 2 of them in my kitchen and trying to tell me what to do when I’m cooking

I almost don’t mind this as much as I mind seeing my DS completely under her thumb. He won’t see any friends or hang out with his siblings and he’s walking on egg shells if he says the wrong thing she storms out and he follows like a puppy dog

I have tried to speak to him privately but it’s as if he’s no longer the boy I know, it feels like he’s joined a cult and there is nothing left of the son I know
his siblings have also felt this and cried about it to my privately

he is autistic, he can be VERY invested in his special interests but at the moment it seems to be her and her only. He’s wearing clothes she chooses for him and he’s unfollowed most people he knows on social media (and all other female people other than family members )

I miss my son and yet he’s right here in front of me.

i plan to just continue to love him and treat him as normal but is that the right thing to do ?
anyone else relate to this situation. ? (They’ve been together a year and he didn’t even come home for summer break other than a few days with her )

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 14/12/2025 10:37

Sounds like the special interest has transferred onto her. Is there anyway you could ask her to go back to uni a week before he does? Would he allow that?

Original poster
Kippergodzillar · 14/12/2025 10:39

ComfortFoodCafe · 14/12/2025 10:37

Sounds like the special interest has transferred onto her. Is there anyway you could ask her to go back to uni a week before he does? Would he allow that?

I think I will ask that at least to leave after new year x

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 14/12/2025 10:40

Kippergodzillar · 14/12/2025 10:39

I think I will ask that at least to leave after new year x

Show quote history

Do it, and when you get him on his own try & have a heart to heart with him. Don’t say spilt up but explain your concerns and see if he opens up a bit. This is pretty common with relationships with autistic people unfortunately they can get a bit fixated. X

SparklyGlitterballs · 14/12/2025 10:44

Don't allow this madam to tell you what to do in your own kitchen. Stand up to her and remind her it's your home, she's a guest, and you'll cook what and how you please. It's one thing for her to bully your son, but don't allow her to dominate the whole family.

Kijhlhgdvjk · 14/12/2025 10:51

He's 20 - butt out!
Don't be that MiL.

anonymoususer9876 · 14/12/2025 10:55

Has he made the changes thinking that’s what people do when in a relationship? Or has she told him to unfollow people?

It’s one thing him making decisions but another if she is telling him to do things and if he doesn’t she storms out. The latter being manipulative.

(My DD is diagnosed autistic, my DS is possibly autistic too but undiagnosed. Both also have neurodivergent partners - could your DS’s girlfriend also be neurodivergent and doing what she thinks couples should do? - just a thought as have seen that with my kids.)

NormasArse · 14/12/2025 11:00

Kippergodzillar · 14/12/2025 10:36

So DS20 is back from uni for Xmas and has bought his GF with him (she’s an international student so won’t be going ‘home’ for the winter break)

she is here cooking for the 2 of them in my kitchen and trying to tell me what to do when I’m cooking

I almost don’t mind this as much as I mind seeing my DS completely under her thumb. He won’t see any friends or hang out with his siblings and he’s walking on egg shells if he says the wrong thing she storms out and he follows like a puppy dog

I have tried to speak to him privately but it’s as if he’s no longer the boy I know, it feels like he’s joined a cult and there is nothing left of the son I know
his siblings have also felt this and cried about it to my privately

he is autistic, he can be VERY invested in his special interests but at the moment it seems to be her and her only. He’s wearing clothes she chooses for him and he’s unfollowed most people he knows on social media (and all other female people other than family members )

I miss my son and yet he’s right here in front of me.

i plan to just continue to love him and treat him as normal but is that the right thing to do ?
anyone else relate to this situation. ? (They’ve been together a year and he didn’t even come home for summer break other than a few days with her )

I could’ve written this. If it helps, things have got better in the second year. He still only phones us on his way to and from work though, when he’s on his own. I try really hard to treat his gf like one of the family though; it’s important to him because he loves her.

Autistic people often attract other people on the spectrum- have you considered her rigidity around him might have something to do with that? Our son’s gf is autistic.

Original poster
Kippergodzillar · 14/12/2025 11:04

Kijhlhgdvjk · 14/12/2025 10:51

He's 20 - butt out!
Don't be that MiL.

Yes this is the exact reason I’m posting here instead of any other actions, I have no intention of being ‘that’ mother in law
I can still worry for my autistic son and so do his equally adult siblings
we are all worried about him (and nobody is interfering other than passively speaking about it to one another and obviously me posting here for advice, thank you for your input !)

OP posts:
PollyBell · 14/12/2025 11:06

Kijhlhgdvjk · 14/12/2025 10:51

He's 20 - butt out!
Don't be that MiL.

The gf doesn't have a right to dictate anything to the op

Original poster
Kippergodzillar · 14/12/2025 11:06

ComfortFoodCafe · 14/12/2025 10:40

Do it, and when you get him on his own try & have a heart to heart with him. Don’t say spilt up but explain your concerns and see if he opens up a bit. This is pretty common with relationships with autistic people unfortunately they can get a bit fixated. X

Show quote history

Thank you that’s so useful to know that it can be typical autistic behaviour in a relationship- it’s quite a comfort to me to understand this

OP posts:
Original poster
Kippergodzillar · 14/12/2025 11:08

NormasArse · 14/12/2025 11:00

I could’ve written this. If it helps, things have got better in the second year. He still only phones us on his way to and from work though, when he’s on his own. I try really hard to treat his gf like one of the family though; it’s important to him because he loves her.

Autistic people often attract other people on the spectrum- have you considered her rigidity around him might have something to do with that? Our son’s gf is autistic.

Show quote history

I hadn’t considered it but now you point it out it’s actually possible

we are treating her as we would anyone and know it matters to him so are being totally warm and respectful and welcoming as much as possible- I agree totally xx

OP posts:
PlacidPenelope · 14/12/2025 13:51

SparklyGlitterballs · 14/12/2025 10:44

Don't allow this madam to tell you what to do in your own kitchen. Stand up to her and remind her it's your home, she's a guest, and you'll cook what and how you please. It's one thing for her to bully your son, but don't allow her to dominate the whole family.

This. Do not let her bully and control you and the rest of your family, show your son that she can and should be stood up to.

There is a big difference in making someone welcome in your home and tip toeing around them, you appear to be doing the latter and her behaviour is already having an impact on your other sons. Stop this now.

Minnowsmouse · 14/12/2025 13:56

Kijhlhgdvjk · 14/12/2025 10:51

He's 20 - butt out!
Don't be that MiL.

This is the OP’s home, it’s the GF who should butt out.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 14/12/2025 15:30

I would answer back at her trying to order me around but other than that I’d just let them be.

If you ask her to leave earlier than him be prepared to accept him going earlier too.

Soony · 14/12/2025 15:47

I imagine he hasn't had many relationships (most NT 20 year old boys haven't) so he's obsessed and unaware that it's not usual to alter your behaviour to avoid "upsetting" a girl.

I think that if his own mother can't explain a bit about how relationships should work then nobody else will.

I doubt he will listen though. MY DS was treated appallingly by his GF from the age of 18 to 21. He sobbed on my shoulder more times than I care to remember but thought if he was compliant enough he could make it work. She dumped him eventually in the middle of his finals.

BradPittsLeftArmpit · 14/12/2025 16:19

My DS is also autistic, and I could have written this OP. In fact I did post on here a few years ago about my 'DIL' under a different username. Roll on 4 years later and where his 'obsession' was initially on her, it's now transferred to their 2 DC, which she is not happy about. The whole situation is awful and there are now 2 children involved. I wish to God he'd never met her. I'm sorry OP, I know that's not what you want to hear. I wish I could tell you it will all be ok

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