Son 20 doesn’t socialise

Wellymum0205 · 2025-11-18T04:40:03+00:00

My son 20 doesn’t seem to have any friends. He didn’t go to uni after college and now works for his dad. He played sport for a club in the summer but his team didn’t socialise after matches. The friends he had at school and college seemed to have all gone to uni, so he’s lost all confidence socially and just stays in gaming and watching sport on tv. On a positive note he did go travelling for a few months earlier this year and had a great time meeting people but I don’t think he kept in touch with anyone. After he came back he was seeing a girl he met online for a short time but that fizzled out. He’s going away again this winter for a few months to a few countries in a organised group tour which we hope will lead to some friendships. We don’t talk to him about our worries as he gets defensive, we know he lacks confidence as he’s had some acne, which he thinks is worse than it really is. Just hoping this next trip will inspire him to be more sociable when he gets back.

Friendlyfart · 18/11/2025 08:01

It’s great he has confidence (and time off work) to go travelling - I hope he has a good experience. My DC’s social life isn’t as good at home as it used to be at uni as everyone has moved on a bit now.
A friend of mines daughter is like your son - she’s a bit older, works, but only 1 friend who is married (young!) and didn’t retain friends from school/uni. I’ve met her a few times when going to friend’s house - she’s attractive, well turned out etc but is very shy. That is the issue really, the confidence. My friend despairs a bit of her, but there’s not much she can do. They do a lot of family stuff together.

Original poster

Wellymum0205 · 18/11/2025 09:30

Thanks, yes it seems to be more common than we think. Young people don’t seem to go out like we did. We have a good social life so find it all the more difficult. I know he chats online to others but it’s sad all the same. We hear of our friends kids all having a great tine socially, it’s heartbreaking tbh

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Rumplestiltz · 19/11/2025 15:57

Same situation with ds19 who has asd/adhd. Thing is he wants friends, but finds it so hard to put himself into situations where he might build them. Bruised by school. I find it very difficult as I feel so sad for him, even if on a day to day basis he is generally fine - but almost as though he has resigned himself to it. Anything we suggest is a non starter, he has to work these things out for himself. Would love it if would do travel like your ds.

Original poster

Wellymum0205 · 19/11/2025 19:06

it’s really difficult isn’t it? At least they can connect with others online these days, something that’s a bit alien to us. It’s all about finding their tribe. My eldest son has an ASD but found his friendships through shared interests and now he’s never home! But my other son is sporty so I hope he’ll get more friendships that way.

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Pbruce · 20/11/2025 05:42

My daughter is 40 and is very similar. Since my daughter is almost twice the age of your children,
I have absolutely no good advice to give. My daughter knows that she is different and she wants to be normal but she cannot. She spends the better part of most days either sleeping (which is where she finds the most peace, or crying. I have made every recommendation that I think of but nothing has changed.

She is very smart but that doesn't really come across when she speaks in casual conversation. I really do noit help her to get to a place where she is comfortable (which I would be extatic about).

Ericeric · 20/11/2025 05:50

This is why Uni or a job which involves meeting people your own age is so important at 18.

Is there no way he could do some training alongside his job? What is his job now with his Dad?

Original poster

Wellymum0205 · 20/11/2025 09:07

Uni for social reasons is a crazy idea! The cost and my the burden of a loan is not worth a few years of getting drunk! He did sport at college but I wouldn’t say he was academic enough to cope with uni, most sport degrees are not worth the cost - a sports coach earns £25k after all that expense and study. He is considering a plumbing course when he gets back from travelling. He is quite a shy young man but we hope he’ll find his way.

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Original poster

Wellymum0205 · 20/11/2025 09:22

Uni for social reasons is a crazy idea! The cost and my the burden of a loan is not worth a few years of getting drunk! He did sport at college but I wouldn’t say he was academic enough to cope with uni, most sport degrees are not worth the cost - a sports coach earns £25k after all that expense and study. He is considering a plumbing course when he gets back from travelling. He is quite a shy young man but we hope he’ll find his way.

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Rumplestiltz · 20/11/2025 11:23

I think uni for social reasons would be worth it if you could guarantee a social experience. But you only have to look at the threads on mumsnet to know that isn’t what happens for some kids, particularly those with additional needs. It seems quite a lottery.

DoubleYellows · 20/11/2025 11:35

Wellymum0205 · 20/11/2025 09:22

Uni for social reasons is a crazy idea! The cost and my the burden of a loan is not worth a few years of getting drunk! He did sport at college but I wouldn’t say he was academic enough to cope with uni, most sport degrees are not worth the cost - a sports coach earns £25k after all that expense and study. He is considering a plumbing course when he gets back from travelling. He is quite a shy young man but we hope he’ll find his way.

It’s not ‘a few years of getting drunk’, it’s a life stage involving learning, experimentation, a new social setting, new experiences, living away from home, and a period where many people make lasting friendships and/or meet a partner.

And sports degrees, if that’s what he was most likely to have studied, are about much more than coaching in terms of potential careers. DH used to work in premier league football, and now works at a high level in another sport — people at both come with degrees in sports/exercise science — but could be working in anything from sports management, strength and conditioning, sport physiology, sports psychology etc.

DoubleYellows · 20/11/2025 11:39

Rumplestiltz · 20/11/2025 11:23

I think uni for social reasons would be worth it if you could guarantee a social experience. But you only have to look at the threads on mumsnet to know that isn’t what happens for some kids, particularly those with additional needs. It seems quite a lottery.

But yes, that’s certainly true.

Yabayabadoo · 20/11/2025 11:41

uni may work for some but not for many OP so its brilliamt he is thinking of dloing plumbing. Is there any hobbies or volunteering he might be interested?

Original poster

Wellymum0205 · 20/11/2025 13:12

Uni just wasn’t the right option for him, he never enjoyed studying which is what it’s all about. There’s also no guarantee of a good social experience either. There’s far too much of this “you must go to uni” being pushed at our young people by schools and colleges. Years ago uni was for the academic only now it’s being sold to everyone even when it’s not the right fit. It’s also being realised that there aren’t the graduate positions out there for all these people leaving uni. This is the reason there’s a lack of trades people coming through, it’s been looked down upon to do a trade.

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Original poster

Wellymum0205 · 20/11/2025 13:15

Yes he loves sport and will get back into that when he returns, there could be some volunteering opportunities there to explore

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Original poster

Wellymum0205 · 20/11/2025 13:29

Yabayabadoo · 20/11/2025 11:41

uni may work for some but not for many OP so its brilliamt he is thinking of dloing plumbing. Is there any hobbies or volunteering he might be interested?

Yes he loves sport and will get back into that when he returns, there could be some volunteering opportunities there to explore

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