Adult DD boyfriend; issues?

[Crispsarethebestfood]

I will preface this by saying I know some people on Mumsnet think anyone who is even vaguely concerned about their adult child is a weird stalker. Can I please say that while I accept that everyone is entitled to their opinion, I would appreciate it if people in that ‘camp’ don’t reply as we are already on fundamentally different pages.
Anyway. DD20 is in her second year at uni and has met someone. He’s her first ‘boyfriend’ (I don’t think they are using that term yet, but they are ‘exclusive’ and I’m 53 so I can’t think of a better term). He’s from the nearby area (but public transport not a walk away) but not at the uni so he’s not someone who’s a friend of a friend or anything, although at least one of her friends has met him. She seems head over heels. We’ve not met him.
Anyway. The plan was this weekend he would spend the weekend with her. She has a flat she shares with two other girls. One was away this weekend, the other was ‘around’.
Friday started well but then she started messaging while she was out with him on Friday night. He had seen evidence of some deleted messages on her phone (not sure why he had her phone) and had got upset that she had clearly been messaging someone else. She denied it, said she had been messaged, she’d ignored and deleted. He said that she should have left the message so he could see it. Whatever. This was clearly a hard line for him and this had been discussed previously between them apparently. So he said they were done (according to DD he didn’t get nasty, just quiet) but because of the time he was going to need to stay at hers on the Friday night and would go back Saturday morning.
Except he hasn’t and it’s Sunday afternoon. Which again is fine, except DD says they haven’t discussed things since Friday night so she has no idea where she stands and if he’s going to just leave tomorrow (which was the original plan) but then that’s it, or whether he’s decided to give it a go but hasn’t said. She hasn’t wanted to ask because ‘it was all my fault’ (her words).
Thank you if you’ve got this far. Here is what I am uncomfortable about

1. I don’t, as such, have an issue with him having something that clearly bothers him, that he has expressed previously is an issue for him and that he feel he can’t cope with. I suppose I am a little wary of why he was looking at her phone, but to be fair I haven’t been able to ask her about that yet and it could all be innocent. But ‘controlling’ is coming to mind
2. I can see how, if he is still there, he might think that his actions are showing her that they are fine. But again, I’m a bit anxious about why she doesn’t think she can ask him
3. if he leaves on Monday and she still doesn’t know where she stands, what advice should I give her?
4. on Friday when I knew they were going back to hers but they’d had a disagreement, I messaged her flatmate to check she’d be in. I was just wary of them being there alone. DD was a bit put out about that. Did I overstep? Thank you in advance for any constructive advice.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter however I do think you overstepped by messaging her flatmate. By all means let her know you’re there for her but you do need to step back and let her sort it out herself.

Thank you. I probably did overstep and did apologise; background is we had a family friend’s daughter who was killed by her boyfriend (who was a lovely lad). DD knows that so understood I think but I don’t think she wanted her friend to know there were issues.

You're overstepping in every which way. Doesn't she have friends she can ask for advice from? Let her make her own mistakes without getting so involved in her life and for goodness sake don't message her flatmates. I'm sorry you can't control who responds to your posts and I think your level of involvement with your 20 year old's life when she doesn't even live with you is way too much.

You did the right thing. He could be controlling and you were concerned

thank you for this, I do understand I need to see both side. I wasn’t trying to control who posts, more saying ‘I know this will annoy some people because they have different perspectives’.
I don’t think she will speak to her friends if they end up staying together as I think she will just see it as a blip. I suppose I just wondered how concerned about potentially controlling behaviour I should be. Full disclosure, I think her dad is quite controlling of us both. I’m used to it so I don’t know how unbiased I am, or indeed she will be.

You are twisting yourself into a pretzel about this and really should think about why, and what it would take to unmesh yourself from your daughter’s dating life. It’s so important for her sake- and yours- that you do this.

I don't think you can be this involved in the minutiae of this relationship.
But what you can do is have conversations with your daughter exploring in general terms with her what she wants from a relationship, what boundaries she wants to have and how she can set them. Also help her work on her self-esteem so she understands a relationship is lovely to be in when it works but not something to be clung to at all costs.

Like you I'd be concerned that he is being controlling. Him dumping her for having deleted messages on her phone is a red flag for being controlling. As you say, why had he seen these? Ignore anyone who thinks you should not give a shit about your dc the moment they turn 18. They are not good parents, so not worth listening to.

Yes, I’ve never understood why some find it more acceptable for people to worry about e.g. a friend
potentially being in a controlling relationship, than their own child, when it’s considered to be interfering, or a sign that they haven’t been able to let go!

Really? None of it sounds like over stepping to me. She clearly cares about her daughter. Over stepping in what way? I'd of also text the flatmate to check my dd was okay?

This. Their not good parents.

Your right to be concerned, I would be if it was my DD.

It does sound like he is controlling and there are red flags… keep alert to how it develops for sure

Thank you for all the replies so far. It is interesting to see both sides. I know I can be too ‘involved’; she’s an only child as well so maybe that makes it worse? I did ask for opinions on here because all my real life mum friends would have done what I did and be worrying like me but we tend to surround ourselves with people like us don’t we, so it’s useful to poke our head out of our bubble occasionally.
He definitely has to leave today as he’s working, so I’ll try to sound her out later as to what’s gone on. Obviously I won’t be opening with ‘red flag nightmare’ but I’ll see what emerges.

I do agree with this; if you’d be concerned about a friend in this situation why not about your own child?

With the flatmate, I just wanted to know there was someone else in the flat incase the situation became unpleasant and she needed him to leave. I’d want that for a friend as well.

What I can’t grasp here is why he has stayed do long when he was supposed to go home on Saturday? Fine if they’ve had a great time and changed plans but I can’t understand from your messages what your DD has told you, if anything, in the meantime.

I think given she shared that on Friday and you are obvs close, I don’t think you’ve overstepped. In reality it’s up to the two of you to decide what’s overstepping. I would also have been concerned about her going back with him in her own if the flat mate hadn’t been there but to be fair it’s hard to ascertain how it was playing with him seeing her phone etc, I would be very concerned about this because it means she can’t communicate honestly with you.

For future it might be worth having a code word/phrase between you that she can use eg ‘we’re having a lovely time’ is all ok but we’re having an amazing time’ isn’t, IYSWIM!

I don't think you have overstepped at all. Your DD is in a situation where the man she is seeing has gone overboard about something he thinks he has seen on her 'phone. She has denied it, he's basically called her s liar. Now the situation has got weird with him not leaving when he said he would.
I would tell my DD, that he obviously doesn't trust her, and that is no basis for a relationship, he isn't even communicating, another rubbish trait. I would also ask her to call me as soon as he has gone, to talk though why he's not good relationship material.
I really don't think this is the kind of advice her mates are mature or experienced enough to offer.

He's trauma bonding her.

Making her feel insecure

step 1. things are all her fault/she keeps messing up/she's going to push him away - now she's seeking his approval all the time and whenever she gets it she gets a massive rush and then when he removes it again she gets a massive downwards spiral and back to step 1. constant feedback loop for him.

step 2. doesn't know where she stands/seeking his approval/always waiting for him to validate her so when he does she gets a rush and whenever he takes that validation away again and introduces confusion/goes silent for a bit/turns phone off/mentions another woman she gets a massive downward spiral and back to step 1. constant feedback loop for him.

Ask her to note to herself any times he introduces confusion or a scenario where he goes silent because she's 'done something wrong again'.

You can be swallowed up for years with this pattern.

Thank you, especially for the part about her mates not being mature enough to give advice about this situation.
We have talked now he’s left and she has seen that this wasn’t an ok way to be treated. I don’t think she will see him again, but I haven’t gone so negative that she won’t tell me if she wants to, more allowed her to reflect on her own thoughts. She’s also told friends, who have backed up that she has been treated badly (because that’s the lens she told them the story through). She seems ok.
Thanks again for all replies.

I may have done the same in your situation, depending on how well I knew the flatmate.In no universe is it ok to ‘finish’ with someone, and in the next breath say, oh but I’m going to need to stay at yours for the night. Like, WHAT?

And to back that up with staying another night? Who does he think he is!?

I have a DD, yes I would be concerned, don’t understand if he finished things why he stayed, my advice to DD would be to send him packing, if not Friday then certainly Saturday morning, there was a flat mate there, if he resisted to leave I would have advised to call the police.

You are not overstepping by being concerned and checking up on your daughter. He does seem controlling and if it was such a big problem for him with the the phone issue, then why didn't he just go home?

Your daughter needs you to help her to understand when to establish boundaries. Checking her phone isn't okay.

He sounds insecure and potentially controlling. There are a few red flags already. You are right to be wary of them and protective of your daughter.

It's so weird that people think you could be overstepping when your daughter has come to you for advice. My daughter is the same age and talks to me about stuff like this. What am I supposed to say to her, 'you're a grown up so I can't help you'?

I wouldn't have contacted a flat mate in that situation but I would have offered advice. I would never offer advice uninvited (unless my adult kids were doing something dangerous or illegal) but of course I'm going to respond if they come to me with stuff like this.