WWYD - DD1 no contact

[AreYouChewingMyPlectrum]

DD1 (I have three) is not in contact with me currently. She’s autistic (as am I) and currently lives with my parents (she moved there after uni). She doesn’t answer text messages, and won’t talk on the phone after a discussion between us both about how she feels like she can’t talk to me about stuff (I’ve asked her why and she wants me to forget it - I want to work on this and have asked her what we can do to get past this and improve our relationship) She isn’t currently working and I’ve tried to contact her without being into the deeper issues (ie to ask how she’s doing) to no avail. My parents give me updates on how she is (mentally not great) but will not encourage her to talk to me at all. I’ve tried sending messages with ideas for jobs she might like, or funny memes and I just get nothing back. We’ve invited her to Christmas (she didn’t answer me but answered DH) but she’s told him she has to speak to her therapist before making a decision. That was over a month ago, and she’s not been in touch since. I genuinely don’t know what to do. If it’s something I’ve done, I want to apologise and try to fix it. I go over in my mind what I might have done but I’m at a loss. What would you do?

This sounds really hard but you haven't provided much context like her age or anything about what your relationship was like growing up.
Your messages to her about jobs and memes are well intentioned but they might feel like pressure for her. Is she on autistic burnout?
If you want to keep the connection open without overwhelming her, maybe a gentler approach may help: short, neutral messages with no expectations attached. No questions that require a reply, no problem solving, just make it clear your love and support of her is unconditional.

There is not much you can do to "fix" things, if you mean bring your DD back or get her to talk to you about important things. Your DD may not want or need you to apologise, and an apology may not fix anything.

What you can do instead is stabilise things. Continue to send her low-demand messages. Not the job suggestions, that's too much like a demand. But just a greeting and maybe a little snippet of information about something that would interest her - I used to send my DC photos of the family cat, or unusual birds I had seen because DC is interested in birds. I didn't always get a reply but I'd usually get a heart or a smiley. That is warm communication. Don't expect a reply, or even an emoji, if that's not your DD's style. And discuss with DH how often is right. Try not to send messages too often because that can feel like you are demanding her attention.

As for Christmas, if possible I would just wait for her to make up her mind, unless you really need to know because you are thinking of going away. My DC hasn't made up their mind about Christmas yet! They will probably come sometime over the Christmas period but maybe not for Christmas itself. You may be a plan-ahead type person but young people often don't decide til the very last minute. Just make sure there is enough food and if she doesn't come freeze it. If you do decide to go away then tell your parents and say that DD can come another time if she likes. Check in with your DH and your parents what to do about her presents - maybe send them to your parents before Xmas or drop them off.

Try not to stress about it all. Your parents are looking after DD and they are keeping you informed. I think that is actually pretty good so it is not something you need to "fix". It's good parenting to keep low-demand communication open and to just wait for her to come closer to you when she is ready to.

I feel for you. You will get lambasted on here, though, by the mother blamers who will be along shortly. You might find more helpful groups on Facebook where membership is restricted to those who are going through this. I believe “going NC” is the latest social contagion spread online.

If she’s autistic she probably finds texting/ phone calls, numerous questions and small talk difficult. Could you try and arrange an activity you both enjoy and do that instead as a first step, or just go and see her.

See this is what I don’t quite understand, and where I think I’m missing something. She’s 22 and previously (so far as I was aware) we were ok previously to this last year at uni, where she seemed to disappear off the face of the earth and I got pretty much nothing back from her. I have tried the low demand, but maybe sharing opportunities for her is overwhelming, appreciate that and I’ll try and send stuff that doesn’t need a response.

Don’t send job opportunities.

beyond that can’t advise. What happened in the last year of her degree?

I’ve asked, but nothing came back on that, aside from some friend drama. I have a suspicion she knew she was not going to graduate but no concrete proof of this.

Going no contact seems to be very fashionable at the moment

Sympathies OP. My situation is heading in the direction of yours. Because I'm not in agreement/enthusiastic of all her ideologies/choices. Very difficult. A lot of young people (eg ASD DD) seem unable/very difficult to cope with relationships with someone who doesn't agree with everything they think.

Sympathies OP. My situation is heading in the direction of yours. Because I'm not in agreement/enthusiastic of all her ideologies/choices. Very difficult. A lot of young people (eg ASD DD) seem unable/very difficult to cope with relationships with someone who doesn't agree with everything they think.

The point is that if someone doesn't want contact, then any message, letter, birthday card etc feels threatening and invasive. It can create a feeling of panic. You know she is safe, OP, so I think you do absolutely nothing and just get on with your life. She knows where you are if she changes her mind.

There's obviously a big back story here. Its hard to say without knowing what it is!

Without knowing the back story and her side of things, I wonder whether she is just in the midst of an autistic burnout and your contact, no matter how well meaning, is a pressure she can’t cope with right now, especially if she knows it might involve a discussion about jobs etc.

I agree with posters who are saying t back right off. Don’t send job info or ask questions. Keep contact light and undemanding. It sounds to me like she has really struggled at Uni and needs some time and space away from you to recover and reorientate. You are very lucky that your parents are there and looking after her. Try not to worry, just be there for when she needs you and don’t have expectations of her she can’t meet at the moment.

I agree with PP’s that as you know she’s safe and your parents keep you updated, it’s best to back off for now.

I’d also suggest regularly checking in with your parents (every few months) to ensure that her living with them is still working well from their perspectives. As she’s not working, presumably they’re financially supporting her at least in part -is that ok for them? They’re in reasonable health, etc.?
If you need to quietly help them out in any way, you can certainly do that.