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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

My DD (age 20) has no idea what she’s doing and neither do I.

42 replies

Cheesecake5 · 25/10/2025 11:06

Long. But context is necessary.

DD got a good set of GCSEs 10x grades 9-5 in all the usual subjects.
She initially wanted to be a nurse, then decided she wanted to be a physiotherapist, then changed her mind on GCSE results day saying she didn’t want to do that and wanted to be a social worker and ended up taking Biology, Psychology, RE and Politics A levels. She then decided she didn’t like biology and dropped it. Thankfully school insisted on doing the AS version so she did and got a C. In Y13 she decided she didn’t want to be a social worker but didn’t know what to do and applied to universities to do sociology and politics. She also applied to do many other non related things via apprenticeships and had several interviews. She didn’t get any apprenticeship offers but was offered places at Glasgow, Liverpool, Sheffield and Newcastle universities. She firmed Liverpool and needed BBB. On results day she got ABC. Liverpool still accepted her but she decided she wasn’t sure whether she wanted to go and asked to defer, they said yes. Then she decides to enrol herself on a BTEC Level 3 engineering at the local college. At this point, part of me was very confused but just thought, ok, she still has the uni place and maybe this is just something she needs to explore. The year passes and she decides to decline the uni place and stay on the BTEC because she’s decided she wants to be an engineer. She decided she wasn’t going to apply to university she was going to apply for degree apprenticeships. She didn’t get offered any. She finished her BTEC with D* D* D*. Fantastic. Now she’s volunteering at a charity shop, and in the last few months has wanted to be a doctor, a physicist, a medical engineer, a teacher and musician. She is trying to find a job but has had no luck other than KFC and is working towards grade 8 piano.

If you got to the end of this, thank you. I just don’t know what to do with her or how to advise her. Any thoughts would be welcome.

OP posts:
Bathingforest · 26/10/2025 11:51

taxi4ballet · 25/10/2025 12:10

I'd leave her be. She'll find her way, and possibly not something she has ever considered at all. She doesn't have to go to university or to college, or study something she thinks she needs for a career she thinks she might like, only to find out that she's not keen on it after all. That will just demoralise her.

What she needs is to go out into the workplace and earn some money. That is an end in itself and give her a sense of achievement. One day, something will happen to change her path and an opportunity will present itself.

Make sure she knows you are proud of her just for being her, and you love her to bits no matter what.

Speaking from experience here, both from my own wayward career path and for DD, whose first career choice ended in disaster (not of her own making), and is now embarking on a career none of us expected, and which she's fallen into by chance.

This.
My daughters both studied hard and ended up married. All my hard work to educate them.

However they volunteer in fancy shmancy country fairs and high profile vineyards and can use the knowledge to lead them up one day

Tryingatleast · 26/10/2025 11:54

A lot of people talk like it’s crazy someone doesn’t know what they want to do at their age- in reality so many students just follow a random choice they decided to make. I’d say the percentage of people who always knew what they wanted to do is minute! I’d say definitely get into the world of work and see what she starts thinking about. I did science and so many of the class went in totally different directions at the end, we were all there because we’d got there

taxi4ballet · 26/10/2025 15:44

Bathingforest · 26/10/2025 11:51

This.
My daughters both studied hard and ended up married. All my hard work to educate them.

However they volunteer in fancy shmancy country fairs and high profile vineyards and can use the knowledge to lead them up one day

Show quote history

That is not what I meant, although I'm pleased your dc are happy with their life choices.

Mathsbabe · 26/10/2025 18:34

Your daughter sounds amazing and committed to a career if not which career.
There are many free courses, some of which lead to qualifications. I thinking of IT, healthcare etc.
while she continues to job hunt and volunteer why not try some of these, not all at the same time.
This would enable her to explore options and help her to build her CV.
i wonder if there are organisations that might help women like your daughter find a way forward.

coxesorangepippin · 27/10/2025 00:40

She's needs to decide

It's all well and good, but come on.

Shit or get off the pot!

Ideally she'd do Engineering at Liverpool

Gruffporcupine · 27/10/2025 00:46

Very hard for some at that age. But the best advice I was given is pick something and stick at it for at least a year, as you find out what you definitely don't like that way. If she isn't sure about university, it probably isn't worth the investment (have to consider a 9% defacto tax basically for life that kicks in almost at minimum wage now)

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 27/10/2025 00:54

Thunderytoday · 25/10/2025 13:10

I don’t think she should do any old job just to earn money. That’s ok for a year or two but then she needs more focus and direction. Looking back at my old school friends, the ones who have not been happy with their work were under challenged and stayed put in a low level job. The happiest is a medical doctor!

I disagree, and it's not just to earn money, it's to get work experience and good references for the job they do want.

One of my step kids, a new graduate, is having no success getting job offers due to their lack of work experience.

People recruiting 20 somethings, if all other things are equal, are going to prefer one with references to prove they can show up 5 days a week, interact with all sorts of people, take some initiative and problem solve. I.e. that they have finished growing up.

sashh · 27/10/2025 05:32

Has she considered doing a working holiday in Australia and/or New Zealand?

If she is bouncing around then it might be an option to bounce down under?

saxyfone · 27/10/2025 08:05

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 27/10/2025 00:54

I disagree, and it's not just to earn money, it's to get work experience and good references for the job they do want.

One of my step kids, a new graduate, is having no success getting job offers due to their lack of work experience.

People recruiting 20 somethings, if all other things are equal, are going to prefer one with references to prove they can show up 5 days a week, interact with all sorts of people, take some initiative and problem solve. I.e. that they have finished growing up.

Show quote history

I agree too there are transferable skills to be learned in every job and the one thing no employer wants is a young person who thinks they are above the task they are being asked to complete - sleeves up, getting stuck in, getting on with colleagues, solving minor problems, developing resilience, being open minded to ideas, working with customers , understanding how sales work, learning to improve work processes, how to delicately deal with a difficult person. Being able to demonstrate you have these skills will be invaluable and you can start picking them up at any job they are willing to give you. For a young person this is the experience employers want - regardless of the career job you want - you need to have excellent soft skills and they are severely lacking in a lot of people - especially those who have never had a job.

tripleginandtonic · 27/10/2025 08:15

Uni would be ideal for her, give her time to grow abd decide what she wants to do.

SleafordSods · 28/10/2025 06:27

Cheesecake5 · 26/10/2025 10:12

This is all excellent advice. I loved reading about others experiences through life. It was reassuring to hear how people have switched directions several times and have survived adulthood to this point.

ADHD - This was never mentioned by school or college. But she did go to school which wasn’t the best, so perhaps it’s been missed. I did have a Google of ADHD and she so fits all of those traits. Perhaps she does have it?

Being proud of her - I am very proud of her, with everything that she does (well, most things). I am very happy that she’s not sitting around all day, and she is doing something. She is trying, but she has no idea where to target her efforts. I shall tell her more often that I am proud of her.

Widening the focus from careers to how she feels about adult life - this is good advice. Not sure how to approach this yet, but I certainly think this is something worth trying. Sometimes I haven’t a clue what is going on in her head or how she’s feeling. She’s very good at bottling things up, always gives the answer “I’m alright” or “I’m fine” when I can tell there is something not quite right, then it all comes out at once in a meltdown.

Pay her way / educate about finances in adult life - I like this. I can have that chat with her and show her the finances so she fully understands how much life costs and what she might need to be independent further down the line. I haven’t so far made her pay anything, this was because she was at college for the last 2 years, but I will consider, now that she does have her little KFC job, taking a little bit from her.

Student loans - Yes! I am very glad at this point in time that she doesn’t have any and that she hasn’t just gone to university and piled up the debt when there was no need to or piled it up, changed her mind and dropped out. I think in one way, she hasn’t been very sensible about declining university when not sure about it.

Leave her alone - I can understand this, to a point, but I fear leaving her along to get on with it will not be the best thing in the long run. Perhaps I will, to a point, leave her alone but encourage her to explore the career ideas she has in more depth for the next 6-12 months. Maybe guide her in the direction of volunteering in those areas to see what it’s like.

Apprenticeships - I do like the idea of her getting an apprenticeship, and it is something she has explored in the past. I think this will give her the variety of work and also education and will keep her busy and entertained. It will also give her something to fall back on if she wants to. I liked the suggestions to try for lower levelled apprenticeships at levels 3, 4, and 5. Perhaps we missed a trick by not considering those ones last time. I do like the suggestions to try lower levels though and work upwards.

Matching to personality etc - She’s a kind person. Will do anything for anyone. Interested in all sorts and wants to learn more. But can’t seem to concentrate on focussing on herself. She loves a challenge and seems to be able to start anything and have motivation, but finishing it is a completely different matter. Shes always chasing the next thing and can’t seem to settle on anything. She always seems to come back to playing the piano, even if she’s given up for a few months or longer, or learning more about science. So anything that combines music, people and science would probably be good as long as it has variety and she’s constantly learning. She’s very outgoing, will talk to anyone, constantly needs to be doing something but can be a very sensitive soul at times and get affected and upset by very little things. Trying to find something that fits all of that is going to be tricky. However, as it’s been mentioned, what she decides to do doesn’t have to be forever and she can use it as a base.

School missed ADHD in both of mine. We realised DC1 had it when they wanted to study for A Levels but just couldn’t actually do the studying. I read I thread on here that mentioned the symptoms of inattentive ADHD and they matched their symptoms. Eventually they got diagnosed as an adult. They are now in Uki and have some support through DSA.

DC2 also has ADHD and is struggling in a similar way to your DD.

Is your DD putting money aside for Uni?

If she was previously interested in Healthcare roles, has she thought of becoming a Healthcare at a Hospital? One relative is currently being paid whilst training to be a Nurse after working in a Hospital for a couple of years.

Also agree with looking at lower lever apprenticeships as the degree apprenticeships are so competitive.

DGD applied for a level 4, flew it and the company she worked for immediately put her on their degree apprenticeship course. So she’s been earning for 5 years whilst studying and now has her own home with her DP.

Overdonecabbage · 01/11/2025 14:17

Elfie111 · 25/10/2025 11:18

This sounds like my son who is a similar age. I’m honestly at my wits end with him. I set up a lovely internship for him - he took his girlfriend to the initial meeting and when they didn’t want to ‘look at her artwork’ he declined the paid internship. Really stupid as it was a massive opportunity.

He went to Uni and then dropped out after a year (after a year of his girlfriend ‘living’ in his dorm (she dropped out of college / has never worked) and now has a dead end job in a really shit field. He doesn’t drive despite being given thousands towards a car / driving lessons.

Very woke (fine, we are a love everybody type of a family) but to the point where there is nothing left that isn’t an issue. I actively avoid spending time with them both now as it’s all so negative.

I do find (he was never like this before) that many of his peers are the same angry, entitled and a little bit helpless. F*cking excruciating to watch as I’m from an era where we had to work hard and get on with it and if we had had those same opportunities we would have been so grateful.

Sorry I realise I went off on a tangent there. ♥️

He bought his girlfriend with him to an internship interview?! Bloody hell.

Does he live with you? What do you think of the gf? @Elfie111

Waitingfordoggo · 01/11/2025 17:06

Re ADHD- my DD’s was also missed. School never had any issues with her. She sometimes talked a bit too much in class and didn’t work as hard as she could have but her teachers thought she was a delight and there were never any behaviour issues. I don’t think she even got so much as a detention the whole time she was there. But the wheels really fell off when she got to A Level! She wanted to do well and was interested in the subjects she chose but she just found the level of study required too much. She would do almost anything else to avoid studying (this sort of task avoidance is a classic trait of ADHD)

Silverbirchleaf · 01/11/2025 17:42

Random job idea - learn to be a piano tuner?

wavingfuriously · 03/11/2025 20:46

Once met someone who'd been an accountant, a solicitor and a vicar. All life's colourful tapestry 😊

RainyDayCoffee · 03/11/2025 22:04

@Waitingfordoggo
Task avoidance to studying - you could have written about my DD.
What is yours doing now?
(Give me hope 🥺)
Xx

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