DS making challenging lifestyle choices.

StrumpersPlunkett · 2025-10-19T19:05:35+00:00

DS is 22, he is studying abroad. He and I have an interesting dynamic.. he calls and shares a lot of information with me but when challenged he shuts me out completely. He has shared that since returning this term he is living his best life and has found he loves dancing and drugs. Initially it was MDMA and he has now moved on to enjoying cocaine. He listened when I said how careful he needed to be, it is illegal and he is risking his place at school if he has a police incident. He promised he isn't drinking alcohol on the nights he is taking it. I reminded him that drugs are not a replacement for sleep and sleep and good nutrition are critical for good mental health, he will need that for his studies. So now we get to last week, on the video call we could see his face was damaged, he played it down and said this was the only conversation we were allowed to have about it so get any questions out now... Apparently some youths at a bus stop were calling after him in a different language and because he didn't respond they chased him and when he turned round they slashed at his face with a knife. It isn't deep and is healing well but my mind is racing. He is putting himself into dangerous situations and I don't know if it is just that he is young and getting it out of his system and 'living his best life' or if it is more worrying than that.. I also am not sure how to talk to him about it without being confrontational, because if I get it wrong he will totally shut down. if anyone has words of wisdom I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance

lljkk · 19/10/2025 20:18

That's unfair of him to tell you all that & not realise you will end up very scared for him.

My adult kids tell me a lot but I'm quite sure they filter a lot out that might upset me, too.

"I love the fact you want to be so honest but I can't take hearing it all because it scares me too much" you might need to tell him.

And maybe the fact that he's hit your limits will help him realise he's taking too many risks. You can't control that, you can only be honest about your own reaction being very upsetting... YABU to worry about anyone taking such risks.

Octavia64 · 19/10/2025 20:22

Why does some youths attacking him mean he is making challenging choices?

(I wouldn’t approve of the drugs either but the way you tell it the attack wasn’t anything to do with his choices)

I’d be very concerned for him but he clearly feels you are clucking.

Original poster

StrumpersPlunkett · 19/10/2025 20:37

Octavia64 · 19/10/2025 20:22

Why does some youths attacking him mean he is making challenging choices?

(I wouldn’t approve of the drugs either but the way you tell it the attack wasn’t anything to do with his choices)

I’d be very concerned for him but he clearly feels you are clucking.

I think that is is because I lack confidence that he wasn't on drugs at the time and therefore not really having the awareness of his surroundings that are required in a big city at night?

The challenging choices are the drugs if I am honest. Although I am aware that many many young people take drugs with no long term harm

OP posts:

Holluschickie · 20/10/2025 08:20

Who's paying for his education abroad?
I wouldn't pay for any child of mine to go abroad and make such a mess of his life.
We are a zero tolerance for drugs and excessive drinking household.
I am not bothered if others think this is clucking.

GarlicPound · 20/10/2025 08:38

I offer this with great caution. They 'young people' in my family all use recreational drugs. Two are into ketamine. The others use coke, e and spice. The only one that doesn't is pregnant.

They're not that young any more, all in their thirties, and have been using since their late teens. Every one of them is incredibly successful: senior consultants at magic circle firms, a high-level financier, a tech star, and so on. They work out a lot, are fit & healthy and in settled relationships.

I didn't stop using until my early 40s, and similarly enjoyed a very successful, happy, healthy and busy life. One of my siblings still does at 60, and is still successful, healthy, etc.

You'd be astonished at the prevalence of class A drugs in daily life, not to mention weed which is almost ubiquitous. I happen to think it's a problem that needs to be aired, since our lives are being run by people who're out of their heads half the time: and that's the reason this conversation never happens.

The fact is, "everybody" does it. The reason you don't realise this is that almost "everybody" is aware of the risks and manages their drug use responsibly, much as most drinkers manage their alcohol intake.

If the assault on your son was influenced by drugs, it's far more likely the yobs who were impaired by substance abuse. This, regrettably, can happen to anyone anywhere.

I'm glad he wasn't badly injured.

Holluschickie · 20/10/2025 08:41

GarlicPound · 20/10/2025 08:38

I offer this with great caution. They 'young people' in my family all use recreational drugs. Two are into ketamine. The others use coke, e and spice. The only one that doesn't is pregnant.

They're not that young any more, all in their thirties, and have been using since their late teens. Every one of them is incredibly successful: senior consultants at magic circle firms, a high-level financier, a tech star, and so on. They work out a lot, are fit & healthy and in settled relationships.

I didn't stop using until my early 40s, and similarly enjoyed a very successful, happy, healthy and busy life. One of my siblings still does at 60, and is still successful, healthy, etc.

You'd be astonished at the prevalence of class A drugs in daily life, not to mention weed which is almost ubiquitous. I happen to think it's a problem that needs to be aired, since our lives are being run by people who're out of their heads half the time: and that's the reason this conversation never happens.

The fact is, "everybody" does it. The reason you don't realise this is that almost "everybody" is aware of the risks and manages their drug use responsibly, much as most drinkers manage their alcohol intake.

If the assault on your son was influenced by drugs, it's far more likely the yobs who were impaired by substance abuse. This, regrettably, can happen to anyone anywhere.

I'm glad he wasn't badly injured.

No, not everybody does it. And we manage to be successful. Though of course anyone on MN who says " my DC dont do this" are accused of being naive and stupid because apparently all young people take drugs. I think you are viewing this through the lenses if your own drug use.

Supporting a vile, violent industry. I would cut off all financial support.

GarlicPound · 20/10/2025 08:45

Holluschickie · 20/10/2025 08:41

No, not everybody does it. And we manage to be successful. Though of course anyone on MN who says " my DC dont do this" are accused of being naive and stupid because apparently all young people take drugs. I think you are viewing this through the lenses if your own drug use.

Supporting a vile, violent industry. I would cut off all financial support.

Edited

Show quote history

That's a valid response.

I'm trying to suggest to OP that her fears are not quite grounded in the realities of today's world, and this may be some help to her in framing her conversations with DS.

Everything I said is true. You can look up the findings of wastewater analysis. Most developed countries measure drug residues. The UK, particularly London, is among the world's highest levels.

Happyhousehappyheart · 20/10/2025 08:46

GarlicPound · 20/10/2025 08:38

I offer this with great caution. They 'young people' in my family all use recreational drugs. Two are into ketamine. The others use coke, e and spice. The only one that doesn't is pregnant.

They're not that young any more, all in their thirties, and have been using since their late teens. Every one of them is incredibly successful: senior consultants at magic circle firms, a high-level financier, a tech star, and so on. They work out a lot, are fit & healthy and in settled relationships.

I didn't stop using until my early 40s, and similarly enjoyed a very successful, happy, healthy and busy life. One of my siblings still does at 60, and is still successful, healthy, etc.

You'd be astonished at the prevalence of class A drugs in daily life, not to mention weed which is almost ubiquitous. I happen to think it's a problem that needs to be aired, since our lives are being run by people who're out of their heads half the time: and that's the reason this conversation never happens.

The fact is, "everybody" does it. The reason you don't realise this is that almost "everybody" is aware of the risks and manages their drug use responsibly, much as most drinkers manage their alcohol intake.

If the assault on your son was influenced by drugs, it's far more likely the yobs who were impaired by substance abuse. This, regrettably, can happen to anyone anywhere.

I'm glad he wasn't badly injured.

Oh well OP, let him crack on then. Class A drugs are a surefire route to a successful life.

🤨

Mossey55 · 02/11/2025 15:54

Wow Garlic Pound what an irresponsible view you have . IMO class A drugs are dangerous, they are also illegal . I would out of my mind with worry if I had a young son or daughter doing class A drugs.

NamechangeRugby · 22/11/2025 08:01

GarlicPound · 20/10/2025 08:38

I offer this with great caution. They 'young people' in my family all use recreational drugs. Two are into ketamine. The others use coke, e and spice. The only one that doesn't is pregnant.

They're not that young any more, all in their thirties, and have been using since their late teens. Every one of them is incredibly successful: senior consultants at magic circle firms, a high-level financier, a tech star, and so on. They work out a lot, are fit & healthy and in settled relationships.

I didn't stop using until my early 40s, and similarly enjoyed a very successful, happy, healthy and busy life. One of my siblings still does at 60, and is still successful, healthy, etc.

You'd be astonished at the prevalence of class A drugs in daily life, not to mention weed which is almost ubiquitous. I happen to think it's a problem that needs to be aired, since our lives are being run by people who're out of their heads half the time: and that's the reason this conversation never happens.

The fact is, "everybody" does it. The reason you don't realise this is that almost "everybody" is aware of the risks and manages their drug use responsibly, much as most drinkers manage their alcohol intake.

If the assault on your son was influenced by drugs, it's far more likely the yobs who were impaired by substance abuse. This, regrettably, can happen to anyone anywhere.

I'm glad he wasn't badly injured.

I am not astonished at all at the prevalence of drugs in certain circles or that practically everywhere and anywhere wafts of weed now. But it is the height of ignorance to think no one knows when successful people dabble in coke etc. People know. And those who don't do drugs, well most will have dropped out of association because they hold quiet opinions of revulsion for the abuse of position, the encouragement for others to start, the blith support of the underworld.

So sad the environment in which today's children are growing up because of the selfishness and lack of morals of those who squander their privilege on drugs.

Op - I really feel for you.

Losingtheplot2016 · 29/11/2025 02:46

GarlicPound · 20/10/2025 08:38

I offer this with great caution. They 'young people' in my family all use recreational drugs. Two are into ketamine. The others use coke, e and spice. The only one that doesn't is pregnant.

They're not that young any more, all in their thirties, and have been using since their late teens. Every one of them is incredibly successful: senior consultants at magic circle firms, a high-level financier, a tech star, and so on. They work out a lot, are fit & healthy and in settled relationships.

I didn't stop using until my early 40s, and similarly enjoyed a very successful, happy, healthy and busy life. One of my siblings still does at 60, and is still successful, healthy, etc.

You'd be astonished at the prevalence of class A drugs in daily life, not to mention weed which is almost ubiquitous. I happen to think it's a problem that needs to be aired, since our lives are being run by people who're out of their heads half the time: and that's the reason this conversation never happens.

The fact is, "everybody" does it. The reason you don't realise this is that almost "everybody" is aware of the risks and manages their drug use responsibly, much as most drinkers manage their alcohol intake.

If the assault on your son was influenced by drugs, it's far more likely the yobs who were impaired by substance abuse. This, regrettably, can happen to anyone anywhere.

I'm glad he wasn't badly injured.

I really appreciate your honesty about this. It’s not a world I’ve lived in so it’shelpful to see a different perspective. I’m currently working with some young people who have been open about their drug use.

I would prefer my kids not to take drugs but the truth is that I can’t control this.

WithDiamonds · 29/11/2025 02:58

I made it very clear that any drug taking would mean my children would be thrown out. I’m with you @Holluschickie

You can be too nice you know.

Anyone who buys them supports a criminal underclass that is involved with awful crimes. Modern slavery, prostitution, children exploited through county lines. I don’t care what amazing successful careers people have, they are no better than the beggar in the street who shoplifts to feed their habit because they all consort with criminals and break the law.

suburberphobe · 29/11/2025 03:08

I had a friend who got totally addicted to coke - he worked in a night club.

It completely changed his personality. He would be phoning people up slagging them off and screaming at them down the phone waking them up in the night. Me too.

He ended up dying from a brain disease in his early 50's.

It might not be the pure cocaine that is the problem, it's maybe what it's cut with too. Rat poison?! WTF.

Utterly awful stuff.

By the way I hear acupuncture is successful in treating the addiction.

MaurineWayBack · 29/11/2025 21:12

Holluschickie · 20/10/2025 08:41

No, not everybody does it. And we manage to be successful. Though of course anyone on MN who says " my DC dont do this" are accused of being naive and stupid because apparently all young people take drugs. I think you are viewing this through the lenses if your own drug use.

Supporting a vile, violent industry. I would cut off all financial support.

Edited

Show quote history

I asked my own dcs, who are at Uni, and the answer is: yes most people take or have taken drugs. It’s everywhere and pretty normal.

I don’t think that was the norm as much for older generation (Millennials and older)..

MaurineWayBack · 29/11/2025 21:15

And I’ll probably poor oil over the fire but countries like Portugal who have legalised drunks have much less problems than countries, like the U.K., where it’s not.

Holluschickie · 29/11/2025 21:30

MaurineWayBack · 29/11/2025 21:12

I asked my own dcs, who are at Uni, and the answer is: yes most people take or have taken drugs. It’s everywhere and pretty normal.

I don’t think that was the norm as much for older generation (Millennials and older)..

Show quote history

I asked.my dcs and they said no it's not normal in their set, so we will have to have an anecdata standoff!

Anyway, I am not really into.the type of parenting which goes " Oh well what can I do? " throwing hands up helplessly and allowing them to mess up their lives.

There's lots I can do to stop my DC taking drugs, and I intend to continue doing it.

Fiftyandme · 29/11/2025 21:36

He’s 22 - they’re his choices.

Holluschickie · 29/11/2025 21:38

Fiftyandme · 29/11/2025 21:36

He’s 22 - they’re his choices.

In that case, he can fund himself. I assume OP is funding him.

SleepQuest33 · 29/11/2025 21:45

People idiots who take drugs and think that because “they are still successful “ there is no harm done, have not considered how their choices are indirectly contributing to a very harmful illegal worldwide industry.

Please ask him to do some research on where the drugs he’s taking might come from and how devastating those cartels have been to their local population.

And those of you taking these drugs, I hope you never dare complain about knife and gang related crime, money laundering, black markets. You are a part of that!

SleepQuest33 · 29/11/2025 21:48

MaurineWayBack · 29/11/2025 21:12

I asked my own dcs, who are at Uni, and the answer is: yes most people take or have taken drugs. It’s everywhere and pretty normal.

I don’t think that was the norm as much for older generation (Millennials and older)..

Show quote history

This post is very sad. Perhaps we need to educate young people on how harmful drugs are rather than shrug our shoulders and give up.