Mentally ill adult child who will not do anything to help.

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Dc is 24 and autistic. Was suicidal as a teen but not helped at all by CAMHS, or by adult services.
As dc grew up things got easier somewhat and dc needed less support.
Recently things have been more difficult for dc again and the tendency to be in their own head and thinking about all the bad things and suicide has returned big time.
Dc has been on antidepressants in the past but doesn’t want to go back on them (they didn’t help and dc wouldn’t return to gp to try anything else or adjust doses, and once moved out and independent there was little I could do).
I now find myself in a position of heavily supporting again. Constant messages, phone calls, FaceTimes, constant having to talk dc down.
Dc will not do anything to help - won’t come home, won’t go to the dr, won’t try anything that might distract. In the past there was refusal to engage with any therapy and I suspect it would be the same now.
At this point I feel like I’m enabling it with the constant instant support, but I’m not sure how to handle this and cannot just drop the rope due to possible consequences.
Does anyone have experience of this and have any advice?

Is it really the case they "won't" do anything to help? Is it perhaps better (for you) to think of it as a case of "can't" do? Sometimes you just have to accept that someone really can't do something, at least for the time being. I don't think you are enabling this lack of engagement, it's a consequence of autism+mental illness. Just as pushing someone's wheelchair isn't "enabling" their inability to walk. Don't be taken in by the DWP rhetoric and the ableist stuff some people post here. Sometimes people genuinely cannot help themselves. Now, what to do? Support as much as you can, but no more. Experiment very slowly and gently with expanding the boundaries of what DC can manage. Take the pressure off them and also off yourself.

Awful for you. 💐

DC can get a social worker - even if they’re shit it takes some of the pressure off. Talk to ASC, ask if there’s anything they can do to persuade DC to get treatment.

Supply DC with crisis line number.

Get your own GP apt and carers assessment and see what the GP says. It will prob be useless but at least you’re being looked after.

How does DC live and support themselves? You mention them not coming home so presumably they live and afford to be elsewhere?

This sounds very difficult. Having supported a family member through a MH crisis, the single thing that I remember is that the person who is unwell, has to want to help themselves. They were told this by a mental health nurse and it really seemed to make a difference, though it seemed very harsh at the time.
Does your son want to feel better? If not, can he say why? I do think therapy would help if he would engage. Could you encourage him to at least try?

It must be really hard for you. I second seeing your GP for yourself and would maybe look for a support group for carers of people with MH issues. You might get some ideas there.
I would definitely continue to support him, though I know it can feel relentless. I don’t think that you’re enabling him. Does he have any friends that he can turn to for support as well?
I really hope that things start to improve soon.

Gradual withdrawal.

do they live on their own/with others?

be busy at specific times (ideally do actually be busy rather than lie) and slowly increase.

You have my sympathy as its a difficult position to be in. However your love and support is probably the important thing in their life even though they may not realise it. Even if you think you are not achieving anything it could be the thread that they cling to. Try and compartmentalise your day so you are not doing it 24/7 but an hour of support could be what they need to pull through. If you can get help do so but it can be a lonely road unfortunately.

Yes, sorry that’s poor wording on my part!
It’s definitely a case of can’t do it.
I do worry that I’m holding the situation up and preventing dc from having to deal with things, but if I’ve got that wrong the consequences could be tragic. And that’s what keeps me doing more than I can cope with. I’m already hitting a point of compassion fatigue but don’t know how to do less.

Dc has crisis line stored on their phone, but they’ve been really awful in the past so I know they’ll never use it.

Dc manages to be mostly independent, lives with partner but things are difficult at the moment, but I don’t think they’d meet the criteria for a social worker, certainly didn’t when at home and on suicide watch for months.

Yes, lives with partner and is physically ok.
Coming home would mean living with autistic siblings so not an ideal situation, but from a selfish pov easier for me to manage everything!

Thank you. Dc has bursts of feeling ok, but then gets overwhelmed and gets intrusive thoughts of suicide, but does not engage at all in anything that could improve things.

I worry that by supporting too much I’m preventing them from realising they can do things to help, but I can’t afford to do less than I’m doing iyswim!

I think at the very least I need to be unavailable when I’m working as it’s now affecting how I work and how productive I can be.

Thank you. It’s pretty intense, and I’m the only one dc will come to.

But , they !!! , already live alone. Interesting

Refusal to engage is usually symptomatic of burnout. The only way out is to reduce demand.

My dd can be like this. We found one anti depressant useless but the next was a game changer.

It’s exhausting and demoralising. Could you tell them they need to get help for your sake ( l know this might not work, but we can always hope)

Wheres the partner in this?

Lives with their partner.

The partner is lovely but finds it difficult to understand so dc still needs my support.

Burnout does make an awful lot of sense.

Unfortunately the only way out is to let them lay low and recover. And reduce demand.

Amy chance they might be ADHD too? My dd found adhd meds really helpful after a late diagnosis.

Could you offer to go to Gp with them . Anti depressants are often trial and error.

Yes I think almost definitely adhd as well!

I’ve brought this up and suggested an assessment and potential treatment might help, but it’s beyond dc at the moment.

I’ve offered to go to the gp too, but just going at all is too much.

phone appt? With you both on speakerphone?

I know exactly how you feel. It’s like being caught in a trap with no escape and every suggestion is turned down.

I found offering big bribes helped mine. I mean really big. I was desperate. I know yours is 24….. or tell them ( which is really hard)

Don't discount the role of hormones on mental health. I have absolutely awful PMDD and at my worst point I felt utterly useless every month. It took me so long to realise my lowest lows matched up with my premenstrual week. Taking the pill without a break helped me but there's different methods and everyone responds differently so maybe look into this.

I have less knowledge of male hormones but could be a factor, particularly if they're prone to anger (just a suggestion I know you haven't mentioned it).

I notice the lack of gender in your posts. Are they trans or on hormone therapy? This could also be a factor in the moods fluctuating.

Finally look up and suggest coping techniques. This is all centred around managing our own emotions, self soothing and preventing meltdowns and burnout. In my 20s I had days where I'd wake up feeling on top of the world and by lunch time I'd be in a depressive slump. On the outside I probably looked like this 😐 the whole time, but the emotional roller coaster inside was too much to handle for me. I think for me what helped was a combination of antidepressants, getting outside in nature at every chance, hormones as above and maybe just aging and being more experienced of the world and accepting myself flaws and all.

Good luck op. Don't give more of yourself than you can cope with. Try and limit contact to only once a day via one method and then go from there. Sounds really tough.

Everyone’s entitled to a social worker.

You need a stepped crisis plan for DC. Not a crisis plan called Mummy.

They only get to contact you after they can prove they’ve done the steps.

Put in boundaries when they’re feeling ok so
they kick in when they’re not,

If only it was that easy. If only…..

Yep. Sorry. I know. Impossibles to care for, oof.

You won’t like this either. At some point you’re going hv to have to grab the no-treatment nettle by the thorns. That’s an exhausting thought, but you both need to change and it might - will - benefit DC.

Not healthy, nonstop mummy rescues. Better ways out there.

Consider the thought when you have energy.

Also: yikes: how likely do you think
they are to try it? History tells you. How much is your fear and pain?

Sorry for you. I do have every sympathy.

You need a bit of space and strength before you make a move, but in the meantime do self care EVERY DAY. That responsible bit of care you can control.

This is where I am right now, but I’m so conflicted about it.

Dc (no gender stuff, just trying desperately to be as vague as possible so it’s not identifying) will not engage at all with anything. Exists in life and reacts to everything that comes their way. Is so self indulgent of every negative emotion (sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but like I said, compassion fatigue has kicked in and I’m finding it more difficult to support and find empathy) and makes no effort to do anything that may well improve the situation (again, harsh, sorry). And I’m apparently the only one standing between them and suicide.

I don’t know how to step away even a little bit without risking dire consequences.

I’m ok. Stressed and worn down obviously, but in a much better place than I have been in the past.