DS Uni Struggles

[chickenbeak]

DS has just returned for his second year at Uni. He struggled through the first year, coming home every weekend as he has been unable to make any friends and struggles with the loneliness. He is on the pathway for ASD/ADHD assessment and his traits do seem to have become more pronounced as he's got older. He has tried joining a society, applying for part time jobs but had no luck. He has been applying for apprenticeships as he feels this might be a better option for him but again no luck so far other than a couple of interviews. He is intelligent, kind, polite, his tutors at college loved him, but he just cannot seem to find connections with peers, he has one friend from school who he keeps in touch with. Although this term is only just kicking off he is already down hearing his flatmates having parties and seeing others in big friendship groups. We try to keep his spirits up, tell him all the things he can try, and he does, but just seems to have no luck. He described himself yesterday as a "product no one wants to buy" and although he said it with humour, its just made me feel so sad. Has anyone else's DC been in this position and come through to a positive place 🙏 he has so much to offer if given the chance.

I know you've said he's tried a society but they are often a key way for shyer students to make friends. Could you both look at the full list of societies and see if there are ones he'd like to try? At this point in the year they are looking for people who will commit and then in future years go for positions leading the society so they are generally incredibly friendly to new joiners

Also could he ask his flat mates to join them sometime? I know that is a tough thing to ask but they may just think he wants to be on his own.

If he doesn't feel up to either of those suggestions (which is fine) he could look for local volunteer opportunities- there will probably be a webpage on his university website. Local groups always welcome volunteers. Scouts in particular love university students because the children like to have leaders nearer their age.

I know it is hard for him and for you. I've worked in universities for 28 years and I can tell you both that people are not as confident as they seem. So don't look at others and think they are all having a great time - but also most people are kind so ask to join and they will usually say yes

It’s so hard. I’m so sorry he’s going through this.
He really hasn’t found his people. If you’re shy and not into alcohol then uni can be an incredibly isolating place.
My DD is in her second year and I know she spends most of her time alone. She is very shy and gets appalling social anxiety. Halls were a nightmare because she was in a flat with four other people two of whom had endless parties. They would invite loads of people and take up the whole kitchen. So she was so anxious she would just stay in her room and hide. Not able to eat because there were all these people in the kitchen.
She didn’t want to be with them it wasn’t what she wanted. Your son sounds very similar.

It’s good he can come home.
He wants the degree but not the life and there is nothing wrong with that. He sounds great.

Is there a sober society - they are used to standing outside normal expectations and are usually full of lovely non judgemental people.

Has he joined the ADHD society?

Does he like D&D? There is usually a table top gaming society at Uni. They tend to draw the shyer elements too so might be a good place to start. Scouts has already been suggested.

Good luck

Is there a "Parents of X university" Facebook group? I'm on one for my DD's university and a parent posted something very similar to your message quite recently - asking for societies or other ways for ND students to find friends. They were quite a lot of good answers. So that might be worth a go?

I know he's tried, but I'd agree with trying more societies - particularly ones where you are engaged in an activity, so he can hopefully enjoy that if nothing else.

It may be too late now, and he may not be keen, but is there a university local to you that he can transfer to, and commute?

Yes I was going to suggest board game society. Or hiking, bouldering or nature conservation maybe. Agree looking through the list of societies together a really good idea, probably on students union website.

Taking up a mixed sport might be a good idea. Hockey? Something like that? But one that meets regularly and goes to tournaments and things together. It might build his confidence and he'll always be invited along as part of the group. I felt the same in my first year, and it was joining a mixed sport that really helped me. He could also give student media a go? (By mixed I meant both men and women, as those sports tend to go a bit easier than all men's teams)

It sounds so similar to what my son has been going through. He’s always struggled socially and only really found his feet when he started a part-time job and connected with a group there. Now that he’s started uni, it’s been tough again, he’s staying at home, so he’s missed out on the social side of halls, and so far hasn’t really clicked with anyone on his course.
He ended up joining a Christian society, even though he’s not religious, because it was the only one that felt welcoming and actually spoke to him without feeling dismissive. He also doesn’t drink, which makes a lot of typical student socialising harder. On top of that, he tends to get a bit overlooked or bossed about in group settings, especially when others have stronger personalities - usually girls and it’s something he’s already run into on his course. I was quite a sociable teen, but my son is very sensitive and I think that’s why he finds it so hard socially. I’m just glad he is at home and has connections through his work, as I think he would have really struggled being away.

I don't really have any specific answers op. I went to uni with a group of friends so we kind of had a "base" from which to branch out and meet others.

I am not ND, but if I think back to that time, I realise how much that core group must have helped me as friends have friends who have friends and so it grows exponentially.

I think anyone must find it incredibly hard to start more or less on their own, so he shouldn't feel like an unwanted product: the others are likely meeting people within - or off the back of - existing networks.

Just adding that for perspective, as I think where an individual is ND they tend to see that as the prime issue - though I fully understand it doesn't help - even where anyone would struggle in the situation. It's tough to start uni without a network of friends.

I wish him all the luck and happiness and hope he finds his tribe - because I'm sure there is one for him. I'm keeping my fingers firmly crossed for him!

What about trying a martial art? Or rock climbing? They are quite individual sports but have that connection with other people. It's what I am worrying about with my ASD ds next year.

There's a Facebook group called "parents of autistic/neurodivergent UK Uni students" - sorry can't link for some reason. Might be a good source of support, my DD in similar position and there are no clubs at all at her uni.

No suggestions but I’m going though the same with ds so know how hard it is. Sending you positive thoughts x

Agree completely on the societies- good suggestions above and perhaps encourage those that are activity based (eg hiking/ board games). He can then focus on the activity and the conversation may flow easier

Encourage him to feel good about all that he is achieving- not jist academically but living in a new place; budgeting; thinking about the future etc (he would have had a career path in mind when looking at the apprenticeships?). Chat with him about what he found most appealing about the apprenticeships he applied for; and then explore whether there's some academic societies that he could join to help him develop these skills and make his future CV stand out more?

DD1 found a group in Y2 - been a lifeline as she in a bedsit by herself.

She looked at a few - activity based one but settled on a crafting section on one - she on a small course and it's course adjacent society so about half is people are in all years of her small course including PhD students and half from other disclplines - it's very social that and her course mates she seems to be okay.

Thank you so much everyone for all your support and suggestions. I will tell him to keep going with the societies we have also talked about volunteering roles. I know hiking has been mentioned, he does enjoy this and was keen to join the society last year but just couldn't bring himself to do it, hopefully he will try this year. He's not sporty but does enjoy badminton and did do along to a taster session so hopefully will continue. He also likes gaming and he has also mentioned a society for a particular game he likes.

He will have a couple of drinks but has shown no interest in going to nightclubs etc but he would wait to be invited and this just hasn't happened.

I keep telling him his time will come and things will change if he tries to put himself put there but I think he's getting tired of hearing it 😞

Thanks again and sorry to hear of others going through this, hopefully they'll all come through soon and find their people, unfortunately at the moment they're all stuck in their rooms and can't find each other😆

All the societies will arrange socials, so this gets around the "waiting to be invited" problem. Good luck to him 🤞

He should try societies aimed at people like him often there are ND ones, go to places he would have met his home friends if he hadn’t met them at school.
Although apprenticeships are amazing they are really competitive and involve interviews so often not great for those with additional needs.

My adult son has ADHD and undiagnosed autistic traits. He was in a similar situation to your son at university. Did lots of groupwork with people on his course, went away to festivals and so on with people in his shared house, but didn't feel he found his social group or where he felt he could be himself. Since he has graduated he said that except when his friends from home went to stay with him, sadly, he didn't have a single meal with other people right through university. He cooked in the shared kitchen, ate in the shared kitchen, others ate in their rooms. So he lost confidence, and ate in his room too.

I find this horrifying and hadn't appreciated how the situation in shared houses has changed (for some) since I was a student. In retrospect I regret encouraging him to stay and keep trying there, - and I think he felt embarrassed to tell me, till he knew it was over.

I'm giving this as background. I did say to my son it is fine if he decides this, there, wasn't for him. That he could change university, or stop altogether. Also important to know of the options with The Open University, including credit transfer of his existing modules in, if he decides he wants to continue with studies, but from home. I really hope it works out for your son - there was a recent study saying I think it was 40% of second years feel lonely at university, so loads of others will be feeling this too, even if they are masking - but do make it clear he could come home for good if it all feels too much or a better option, so he knows he has choices.

Thank you, sorry about your son's experience. My DS has signed himself up for some societies and volunteer work and has an interview for a job on campus so fingers crossed he goes and it all helps. I've said try and give it till Xmas and reassess (I also said this last year and he chose to carry on).

He should speak to the wellbeing service, join loads of clubs and societies. He should also see and make friends with the career service for the apprenticeship applications. They are there to help and will know exactly how to do them to get the best chances.

Oh great news @chickenbeak , that sounds like excellent moves on several fronts. Well done to him, it really isn't easy and we see him.