Boy do I need some advice

[MrsManilowforever]

Struggling with my 22 year old son not launching. I'm a single mum...his dad left when he was a small baby. I'm in the uk
My son was a happy, playful child and very loving. Also very clever. He has a brother 6 years older.
My youngest son changed during his mid teens and started gaming. Withdrew socially then covid hit when he was supposed to take GCSE's. This was perfect for him cos he withdrew even more and he was awarded 9 GCSE's without taking an exam.
He did a college course and was able to do most of it remotely because of lockdown. He scraped by and avoided attending whenever he could. I tried to police gaming time and it created conflict. He became more hermit like. He got a part time job but kept calling in sick so they let him go. He admitted he hated it as he hates mixing with people. I've had him at GP, he's been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but he refused to engage with therapy ..he takes the meds but sometimes misses because he can't be bothered to order and collect his prescription. He is very lazy and unmotivated. He tried uni but dropped out. He's been on universal credit for 12 months and he should want so much more. He sees his dad but they are not close. I have asked his dad if he could stay with him for a while because I think he needs his dad....but his dad refuses. I'm at my wits end and on my way to a breakdown, I am sure. How can I get him to move forwards? I just can't kick him out

Can you get him engaged through his love of gaming, would he be interested in a coding / cybersecurity course?

I've managed to get him to sign up for a Cyber security bootcamp which he should be starting in a couple of weeks... I am pessimistic though, because he just doesn't stick with anything

That sounds heartbreaking, OP. I'm wondering if your son could be depressed.

Happily there is likely nothing “wrong” with him, for a variety of reasons he has been able to follow an instinct to withdraw and not be forced out of his comfort zone. I’m similar - if I can avoid people I will, but I know it’s very bad for me (depression, awful self esteem and feelings of hopelessness, spiralling negative and intrusive thoughts and anxiety, feel panicky in new situations, can ultimately feel so cut off and isolated that I’ve felt suicidal) so I force myself to be sociable so that I don’t lose the “hard coating” I’ve picked up by repeatedly exposing myself to social contact.

My older db was similar - naturally reclusive and hid in his alternate game universe to which he was totally addicted.

Gaming is a terrible addiction. My mum kicked my brother’s ass until he got a job. Lots of shouting and unpleasantness but in the end he launched and has been mostly fine ever since (though covid also was awful for him).

So here I think you have to be very kind but firm as doing him absolutely no favours letting him wallow.

You charge him rent and bills/electricity. You give him a long list of chores - as physical as possible (all the laundry, clean car, windows, do garden, change beds) AND include him doing the grocery shopping, make him pay for it from UC. Do not buy or cook him any food or pay for anything for him. No lifts unless he offers something in exchange - make him walk and get fresh air (even if it means he’s shopping at the grocery store every day at least he is out.

You treat him like a tenant. If he makes a mess and doesn’t tidy up you tell him he’s on a month’s warning then he’s out. No drama just factual.

I assume he cannot afford aa car

At weekends you take visit to see relatives - he needs to see people outside the home. Tell him if he wants to live with you, he has to buck up and be useful. Ideally he needs life to become less comfortable with more activity outside the home of any kind.

Thank you for the replies and suggestions @FairyBatman @dizzydizzydizzy and @BigHouseLittleHouse he definately is depressed and I also think he is addicted to gaming. He has low self esteem even though he used to really confident. He says he has to force him self to mix in social situations because he really hates it. He wants to stay at home all the time. I have tried somany times to help him with this, but he avoids everything.
He gives me money from his universal credit towards bills and food but I am heartbroken that he isn't fighting for more of a life for himself.

I give him jobs to do around the house which I often have to nag him to complete. He doesn't sleep well and consequently lies in bed all day despite me telling him he must get up by 11am.
As far as gaming is concerned I've put a timer on his PC Internet access so it goes off at midnight in a bid to help him to maintain a better body clock. But this feels wrong as he us supposed to be adult. I feel.like I have totally failed as a parent

My son is similar to this but is persevering with uni. Hates it and would like to stay in his room all the time. He hasn't been diagnosed with anything but I wish I could get him to the doctors because we might get some help. He doesn't think anything is wrong but I can't see him being able to live independently. I worry what will become of him when I'm not longer around.

How is his relationship with his older brother? Coukd he step in to help motivate him?

Wish I had advice but can only commiserate as I am in a similar situation, you are not alone and it's not your parenting either. My son was eventually diagnosed with Autism.
If we were in different times I think he would be a hermit living outside society.
I think the gaming can actually be a link to others online and can help, but that's an unpopular opinion.
Would you take him to any gaming conventions, would he go to them?
Just slowly add in responsibilities if you can, without overwhelming him, and going too fast, also get him to your doctor if you can and discuss further diagnostic tests.

You have my sympathy, I think Covid allowed a lot of teenagers to retreat into themselves…. But doesn’t UC come with some kind of penalty if they’re not actively looking for work?

Thanks guys. It is a comfort to hear that I'm not the only one to have these worries. I think he might be autistic or have Adhd but there were no signs of this before senior school. He's been referred for an assessment but goodness knows how long it's going to take. His older brother has tried to talk to him, but I'm not sure if he listened I managed to get him to visit his grandparents with me today and he did join in the conversation and they think there's nothing wrong with him apart from him being lazy....but no one knows him as well as I do and I am sure there's something else going on

DS had no strikingly obvious signs of ASD at primary school OP, it's often a quite gentle, nicely structured, protective environment. He was diagnosed around 11 with Aspergers syndrome. Socially his struggles really started at secondary school, he had no real friends throughout. That's often the age when the wheels start to fall off.

Whatever the case diagnoses wise I would assume that his self confidence and self esteem and at complete rock bottom. It sounds like he's feeling completely lost, please don't listen to his ignorant grandparents who thinks he's just lazy. And please, please don't let him ever hear that, his self esteem is already through the floor.

What did he do his college course in? I think cyber security is a great idea, I also think that you need to help and support him right now a lot more than the average parent probably would. Does he program OP? Did he do GCSE comp sci? At college? I would try to get him into a better routine, don't worry that he's officially an adult, if he's ND then he might be 3 years behind his actual age in emotional maturity.

See if you can get him into a positive routine OP, programming half an hour in the morning and half and hour in the afternoon. There are so many free computer courses and things he can learn online. Depending on his level get him learning python using MOOCS or free coding courses, or look at the Unity Junior programmer using C#, or get him looking at using AI to make a chess game on youtube, anything that's at his level and he can work his way through. Maybe half an hour doing one course in the morning and then a different one in the afternoon. Then once he's in that routine have him go for a walk for half an hour everyday. Then slowly build up from there, get him seeing more of his grandparents (as long as they're supportive and encouraging). Build up his relationship with his brother if you can.

Remind him to take his pills everyday. Try to get his life so it has a routine and starts to look more normal. Keep building slowly, step by step. Stay positive and encouraging and keep him moving forward. Keep in mind that in the future he is going to need a lot of support in doing interviews and coping with the stress and difficulty and disappointment of that. ND kids just need parenting a lot more and a lot longer (if that is the case). Goodluck OP, my DS could easily have ended up like your boy if he hadn't thankfully discovered his love of programming during covid and then had a huge amount of help and support in moving that forward step by step.

Even if he is ASD, the actions are going to be very similar to 'just' anxiety and depression.

I am sure he has social anxiety, he has no confidence in himself or that others might like him. Unfortunately the only answer to this is more experience in social situations.

He could do this in different ways - volunteering, going to some sort of real life hobby group, having to do the shopping in person, having to help out his grandparents... but ultimately they all boil down to you have to learn how to do it and it gets better with practice.

He may not realise that having to force yourself into social situations is actually very common, not a unique failing on his part, and lots of us do it every day in order to keep a roof over our heads.

Such great advice from everyone.....thank you SO SO much. From what everyone is saying, I am more confident that my instincts are correct;
He certainly needs encouragement rather than criticism but it can be so exhausting

He needs a bit of carrot and a bit of stick. Lots of encouragement but also a clear indication that he has to get a job and leave home, staying as he is by saying it's too hard is no longer an option.

Yes, I've told him that it would be good for him to know if he has ND, so he could maybe access some appropriate support, but at the end of the day he needs to live life in every one else's world, not the other way round

How easy is he to talk to? Do you think that if you told had a chat with him and said that within 2 months you want him to have started a volunteer role and you also want him to start looking for a job?

Even if it’s stacking shelves in a supermarket at night it will make him more attractive to employers.

My Colleagues DS who is ND worked the night shift in a Warehouse for a long while.