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19 year old difficult behaviour

8 replies

notafancyusername · 19/09/2025 19:17

Really struggling with 19 year old son. He is adopted and now spending a lot of time with his birth dad who is a poor influence. He uses weed (sometimes cocaine) and is on probation. Birth dad lives with a partner and 4 kids but things seem chaotic and he keeps getting chucked out. Our son went there again yesterday and stayed the night there. A night and day have passed and he still hasn't made one call or text to say he wasn't coming home or that he is safe.
The evening before, he left our house at 1am and I was told he had been walking alone along a railway line for a few hours that runs on a high viaduct. Fortunately has a good friend who told me. He had sent photos of it. Our son is constantly threatening his friends and us that he will end it because life's not worth living. That's been going on for several years and he's using it to us and his friends in a manipulative way. He says it if anything doesn't go right for him.
He's using cannabis every day. I did take him to a local place for help because he got caught by police with a small amount. He said he didn't want to attend any kind of help/therapy.
He's been with same neurodisability consultant (ADHD, ASD) for years and she keeps trying to get him to attend clinic but he always refuses.
He pays £25 a week board from his Universal credit. He's now saying he won't pay until next month because he wants the money (obviously for cannabis).
I often find small amounts in his room. No effort made to hide it. The smell turns my stomach. He promises not to do it but it continues.
My husband and I are exhausted. Never know when he will turn up. We ask that he's back by midnight but he often arrives late.
I found a machete in his room a couple of weeks ago. It was totally rusted. When he went out, I got a taxi to an amnesty bin and disposed of it. He told me he had found it.
I am his appointee because of his neurodisability. That's the only thing that's making me carry on.
I can't see a positive future for him at this point. He is refusing to try part time work

OP posts:
reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 20/09/2025 21:24

Have you sat him down about him having to move out if he doesn’t want to work nor study? What would he say to that?

WatchingTheDetective · 20/09/2025 21:27

I'm so sorry for you. It must be incredibly difficult. Has he ever been aggressive towards you? How old was he when he was adopted? Was he fostered before that?

chooseanothertopic · 04/10/2025 02:55

WatchingTheDetective · 20/09/2025 21:27

I'm so sorry for you. It must be incredibly difficult. Has he ever been aggressive towards you? How old was he when he was adopted? Was he fostered before that?

He was adopted as a baby. He's been verbally and sometimes physically aggressive since he hit puberty. He's just walked in at 2.30am (rather drunk) and has just been saying that he smokes in his room because of the stress of his life. He always says that if I don't like it then I should evict him

TempNameForObviousReasons · 04/10/2025 03:08

Good grief just throw him out. Not working, not studying, violent, lazy, using suicide threats as a maniulation tool, no thank you. He is a grown adult now and you have done more than enough. £25 a week is dead cheap for keep and he is turning your home into a drug infested hostel. This is the thanks you get for taking in a baby and giving them a happy upbringing.

Let the birth Daddy do his bit now.

chooseanothertopic · 05/10/2025 02:02

Please keep me sane ! He's just been sending voice notes saying he can smoke weed in his room because he's paying £25 a week to live here and the smell doesn't even bother me ??!
It's always been made absolutely clear that it's not allowed but he's trying to justify the behaviour. It's 2am and I just feel so infuriated and disappointed

momtoboys · 05/10/2025 02:05

I don’t really have much advice, I’m learning this parent to an adult hard myself. But I am so sorry you are going through this and please know you are not alone.

chooseanothertopic · 05/10/2025 02:55

TempNameForObviousReasons · 04/10/2025 03:08

Good grief just throw him out. Not working, not studying, violent, lazy, using suicide threats as a maniulation tool, no thank you. He is a grown adult now and you have done more than enough. £25 a week is dead cheap for keep and he is turning your home into a drug infested hostel. This is the thanks you get for taking in a baby and giving them a happy upbringing.

Let the birth Daddy do his bit now.

Birth father is an idiot who's currently on probation again. He's been chucked out by his partner. He's currently homeless.

BunnyRuddington · 19/10/2025 19:50

I really feel for you @notafancyusername. I do have experience of ND terms but not of adoption, so can’t help you much I’m afraid.

Have you tried getting some support in the Adoption section or in SN Teens section or possibly both? Flowers

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