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Parents of adult children

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10 replies

Moonlightstar5884 · 15/09/2025 17:52

Hi, I'm in need of some advice, I've been struggling a lot lately with my living situation. My son who is now 23 lives at home with me and his dad. About 2 years ago he met his first girlfriend who live about an hour away on the train. My sons girlfriend has a rocky relationship with her family. After about 6 months of them being together all our son went on about is his girlfriend moving in. Me and his dad were not sure as we didn't think he would be ready for a full on relationship living together. Plus we both work full-time and I didn't want teenagers bumming around all day at home while we work our butt's off to pay the bills. After about a year the girlfriend got kicked out so she had to come and move in with us. We weren't too happy about this but we thought we had to give it ago. We had 2 conditions both have to work full time and both have to chip in around the house. We told them they dont have to pay any rent but both have to save hard so they have money to get their own place eventually. Its been about 18 months since the girlfriend has moved in. Its been hell, me and my partner always have to step in and get them to help. Nothing is done unless we ask. Her hygiene was not good, we had to tell her to make sure she washes, wash clothes. She doesn't do the house work very well so I would have to go over things. It feel like it's all half arsed. The jobs have been all over the place, it feels like we are constantly pushing because they dont have the motivation to do things themselves. It feels exhausting. The girlfriends hours got cut so she looked for another job after we pushed her. The new job is part time so again we have to step in and say you need more hours. I have tried so so hard to make her feel welcome but it feels like a never ending cycle. Help, please

OP posts:
TwinklyRoseTurtle · 15/09/2025 17:54

Firstly, you didn’t have to have her move in. Your son is an adult as is his girlfriend. They both need to move out. Give 3 months notice.

Holluschickie · 15/09/2025 17:58

Why do you have to make her feel welcome? My adult DC live with me off and on, but I will never allow partners.

Moonlightstar5884 · 15/09/2025 18:02

I suppose we felt it was right to give it a shot to help them save.

OP posts:
Holluschickie · 15/09/2025 18:03

Moonlightstar5884 · 15/09/2025 18:02

I suppose we felt it was right to give it a shot to help them save.

Your son can live with you and save. You are not responsible for her. She can go to a flatshare like most ppl do. My DS will be flatsharing soon.

itsmeits · 15/09/2025 18:06

Moonlightstar5884 · 15/09/2025 18:02

I suppose we felt it was right to give it a shot to help them save.

And have they saved?

Moonlightstar5884 · 15/09/2025 18:20

Yes they have saved a lot but not enough for a deposit.

OP posts:
itsmeits · 15/09/2025 19:02

How much more do they need?
How long will it take?
Can they save more each month?
Can you live like this till they can afford to go?

I've had a thought regarding the girlfriend, has she ever been shown/taught how to clean things?
I remember my mum sitting down with my friend teaching her how to peal spuds on holiday one year.
Maybe she needs some guidance on it.

TheReformedSlob · 15/09/2025 20:01

Moonlightstar5884 · 15/09/2025 18:20

Yes they have saved a lot but not enough for a deposit.

A deposit on a rental or a purchase?

BruFord · 15/09/2025 20:16

I'm so sorry, @Moonlightstar5884, you’ve been so kind and this is how you’ve been repaid.

Do you have any idea why she was kicked out of her family home? Similar behavior perhaps? Or as others have suggested, perhaps she hasn’t been shown how to look after herself properly. If it’s lack of knowledge, perhaps showing her how to do things might help-otherwise, she’ll need to make plans to move out soon.

BunnyRuddington · 17/09/2025 16:32

Can you print off some daily tasks for cleaning? My BF did this when her rather lazy, now SonIL, moved in.

TOMM have some good daily lists which can be printed and laminated.

Personally I think you’ve been more than generous and asking them to move out would be fine. They aren’t that motivated to save if she’s only working part time. At that age I worked part time alongside my full time job.

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