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Parents of adult children

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Positive stories of adult children who took a while to find their path?

8 replies

AlisonWonderland · 13/09/2025 17:55

DS left college in the summer and is now working a retail job which he hates. Has no idea what he wants to do long term, didn’t get the grades for uni (and doesn’t want to study anyway). Not many apprenticeships in our area and those that there are, are fiercely competitive.

On the plus side he is polite, helps around the house, contributes money to housekeeping. And is bright, thoughtful and funny, but v introverted so no social life to speak of.

Has anyone been in similar situation? Is there anything you did that helped? Is it just a question of giving it time and giving him space to work out what he wants to do (while expecting that he keeps working while he does this)?

OP posts:
batt3nb3rg · 13/09/2025 20:19

I am not a parent in this situation, but my husband (now nearly thirty) was very similar to how you describe your son when he was a young adult. He had no social life, dropped out of college while studying twice due to mental health issues. He worked various retail jobs for a few months at a time and contributed financially and practically to the family, including lots of driving and shopping or elderly grandparents. He was generally a bit aimless, and didn't have any concrete goals. When he was 22 or so he moved to a city with me after years of knowing each other online and visiting. After a year of adjusting and working similar types of jobs as he had been before, he harnessed a long-term hobby/interest and applied for a job in a related field. As he had no qualifications but demonstrated skill and knowledge, he was hired in an entry-level position that allowed him to demonstrate his value, and he was promoted multiple times over a few years to the job he now holds, that he enjoys and finds satisfying, and also has him earning in the top 25% of income earners, which allows us to live comfortably as a single-income household due partly to my disability and partly to lifestyle preference.

During those years we got married when he was 24, and enjoyed our time living in a big city (though he still struggled socially and exclusively socialised with work colleagues). When he was 27 we had saved enough to purchase our first house, and left the city for a small town closer to his family. We purchased a three-bedroom house with a driveway and a garden, which had felt like a pipe dream when we were first living together and claiming universal credit to top up his minimum-wage income. He works from home and is very happy, and we've made friends with two other couples in our town, which would have also seemed unbelievable to us five years ago! We are now trying to conceive our first child, and my husband is looking forward to fatherhood.

His parents have been incredibly supportive and proud of his acheivements, especially as they were worried that living away from home and even working more than a part-time job would be too much for him. We spent a lot of time staying with them when we lived in a city, and having the option to be absorbed back into his family's day-to-day lived for a long weekend certainly helped him to decompress during stressful periods at work. However, his parents very rarely pushed or encouraged him to do aything - it's one of the few things I could criticise them for. He feels that things might have been different if I hadn't encouraged him to step out of his comfort zone, and I tend to agree. My husband's sister, who is a year older, has suffered from similar mental health problems to him, as well as a lack of direction and clear goals. She still lives with her parents, with her primary-school aged child, and has not worked in more than a year. Her parents fully support her, and don't push her to do anything for fear it will worsen her mental health.This is bad for everyone involved in my opinion, and has severely stunted her growth and has put tremendous financial pressure on my in-laws.

Excuse my long reply, as I wanted to give you a fleshed-out example of how these sorts of situations can end up. Your son has time ahead of him to discover how he wants his life to look into his twenties and beyond, and time to make it happen. There might be many false starts, but with the right support, he will thrive, especially as he's already shown the positive traits you outline.

AlisonWonderland · 13/09/2025 20:57

Thank you @batt3nb3rg for your really thoughtful reply and I’m glad to hear how positively things have worked out for your DH. I do think/hope with increased maturity DS will come to a better idea of what he wants. In the mean time we have made it clear that he either needs to be earning or learning, sitting around the house is not an option no matter how much he’d prefer that 🤣

He does have some online friends so I can see that he might find a relationship through that in time, if he wants to.

OP posts:
TheeNotoriousPIG · 13/09/2025 21:32

To be honest, I don't think that our schooling situation helps. We make all decisions until they're 16, and then they are suddenly expected to think for themselves, and choose a course that will lead to a career that they might still find themselves in when they retire (even if they've grown to hate it by then)!

I was instructed as to what I would do post-school, and graduated with a degree that led to a specific career that I didn't want. However, I persisted because of family pressure. Then I had a nervous breakdown, which made the family pressure back off for a while! I am a natural introvert, but the breakdown made me isolate myself for a while, because I couldn't cope with other people. It gave me a lot of time and space to think about what might make me happy. Later that year, I went back into education (more vocational this time) and came out with a lesser qualification than a degree, but I had more job offers in a less people-y role and I am much happier.

To answer your question, time, space and not allowing family to pressure your DS into getting their version of a "proper" job or qualifications that he isn't interested in. If he isn't very confident, that seems to come with age and experience (it did for me and my few introverted friends!). Good luck to your DS, and I'm sure that he'll find his way in time!

PanicPanicc · 14/09/2025 22:51

As long as he’s doing something (in his case, he’s working) then honestly I don’t think he’s doing too badly. It will give him some perspective and help him decide what to do later on.

DD tried her mightiest to not choose anything but after the gap year (in which she didn’t do much either) but I made clear she either worked FT or studied. It was a tense few months but she ended up enrolling in uni (online, sadly) and working PT. Her plans change every now and then but the latest one seems to be sticking the longest (wants to be a teacher).

Poisonwood · 14/09/2025 22:58

My very clever daughter with severe adhd tried multiple times to cope with university but just couldn’t. Or a cleaning job…she’d zone out whilst rubbing a tap and still be doing it twenty minutes later. She is now incredibly happy as a stable hand. Medicated, and I support her with setting alarms for things, but she’s very much found her path.

wohmum · 14/09/2025 23:02

Hi OP, our DS is niw 22, and had a similar experience and I don’t feel we are out of the woods yet - he has a long term girlfriend and has worked in a fast food place for a few years , so is working g, saving and contributing. However he seems happy to drift along like this with no further ambition or interest . He has no social life and spends hours gaming each day. We’ve given hom space and time to ‘find his purpose’ but not there yet. TBH , I’m not sure he will - but as he’s working steadily it’s hard to be too critical. He tolerates work and I would love it if he could find something he is more interested in …
Thanks @batt3nb3rg gir your reply also. It’s heartening to hear of positive outcomes

Jibberjabba · 14/09/2025 23:03

He sounds like a lovely young man he will find his niche and he is working in the meantime

Notnewbutveryold · 14/09/2025 23:03

Yes, my nephew. And he didn’t even have a job on leaving school, drove my brother mad, but gentle gentle and he got a job waiting tables, liked it… helped out in the kitchen a bit.. liked it and now he’s just turned 21 and finished his first year as an apprentice chef- and moved out of home to live with his girlfriend! 3 years ago everyone expected he’d still be living at home now, but he’s flying!

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