The first serious relationship

[Orangesandlemons77]

My eldest DS (20) is in his first serious relationship with someone and it is making me think of when I was growing up and my parents reactions etc.

My mum well, I guess the word I would use is 'hostile' she got very angry if I had a boyfriend but she did also have some mental health issues. I think she thought they were taking me away from her, perhaps. It resulted in my leaving home early (17) for university and not returning.

I guess I was scared I might start being like mum, also after reading some stuff about MILs on here I was worried about being like that too.

But I have been surprised as how happy it has made me feel. She seems really nice and is polite and considerate as well. A year older than him, she has already graduated and is living independently with some friends nearby.

I think she might be a good influence on him as he can be a bit disorganised although he is studying and has a part time job.

I just wondered how others were navigating the first serious relationship of their young adult DC. Any tips? I think I might have been a bit over friendly possibly due to worrying about how my mum was. I don't want to be OTT / embarrassing. Just welcoming.

I’m nice but not overly invested. DD seems to go from 0 to 100 on her new relationships and then it fizzles out fast.

Sounds like you are doing fine. Sounds like she is a good thing for your son, so that is great too. There is no rule-book for this (I have 5) apart from being friendly, welcoming, even-handed continually, accepting of foibles / differing views, and conscious of backgrounds, but you do have to keep a bit of distance. Things maybe not to do are a) extravagant or personal gifts early on, they cannot always reciprocate and can cause pressure b) planning hols for you all, this can go wrong unless you are absolutely all up for it. c) making her into your daughter or daughter in law before it is time, and d) overthinking break ups I have done b) after DD3 had been with BF for 3 years, and then they broke up, and although the holiday wasn't an unmitigated disaster, it wasn't the best for either of them - he felt terrible (even though he did not instigate the break up, and DD did not have a great time either when away because it was something they thought they were doing together). I have not done c) but have observed it from others and sometimes it works and is lovely, other times I think it is like a third person has entered the relationship., however well meant. I think I have slightly done d). DD2 had a lovely long term boyfriend X who I thought was really fab, but she decided he was not for her. Went on to have a number of bad relationships, where even she said X would never have treated her like that. It did not mean, however, she was going to get back with X, far from. I always thought and hoped that she might, never said anything though. I was wasting my time with that one. Still is a lovely lad and will make someone very happy one day, but it won't be my daughter. I'm still friends with his mum ! Its a difficult path to tread, but don't worry that what happened to you will happen to them, different relationships, different people, different time x

My DS1 is nearly 20 and has his first serious girlfriend and I too am worrying about how to navigate it.

My parents were welcoming but my mum had an occasional tendency to lash out if I didn't give her enough of my time, so I want to avoid doing that!

DH's mum in particular could never deal with the fact that DH left his home town and I feel probably blamed me, so again I need to avoid that as it has damaged their previously close relationship very badly.

I am trying to remain welcoming without being over the top, but having someone else in the house and at our dinner table makes me feel rather like I am performing rather than just being myself

Thanks for the comments. Yes agree on not being too invested / holidays / making her into a DIL too soon etc!