Empty Nest Syndrome

[AngelpopEvans]

Hi there, I'm a little late to the party - my son (only child) is now 20!
I've realised that I've missed out on a wealth of parenting information, but I'm lucky to have friends and family with kids and we've all been able to share things and support each other over the years! I also realise that my subject has been covered many times, but it's so relevant ATM as our kids are leaving for university etc.
I wanted to put the 'empty nest syndrome and menopause do not mix' out there. I'm glad that society as a whole is embracing talking about stuff like the menopause and mental health, stuff that has always carried a taboo.
Last September, I was admitted to a psychiatric ward for a couple of weeks, just when my son was getting ready to go to university. It was an horrendous time and although I gradually improved, there have been many ups and downs.
He's due to go back after almost 4 months of being home - they have incredibly long breaks! Now all those feelings have reared their ugly head again!
When our kids leave home, it's meant to be hard, of course we're going to miss them, but I'm wondering if there are any other mums or dads out there that have experienced depression to the extent that they have been admitted to hospital?
I do have a history of depression, though I hadn't had it since I had the baby blues for a few days when my son was born. I'm also experiencing the menopause, those hormones are also contributing towards my low mood, and HRT has helped a little.
I would be so grateful if any other parents are able to share their empty nest stories, and how they coped.

I don't have experience of this but I didn't want to read and run and hopefully my reply might boost your post and someone who does have experience might see it and can help talk it through with you.
I'm still in the trenches so to speak with DD10 and DS5 so empty nest seems so far away but I am in perimenopause and she is a complete and utter bitch who plays havoc with women's lives so you have my utter sympathy for full-blown menopause who I believe is an even bigger bitch let alone anything else you may have to deal with like your DS leaving home.
You survived the initial leaving when he first went to Uni so what did you learn back then that helped? Can you adopt any of those strategies now for him going back this year? Can you make plans to visit over half term (do they have those at Uni?) Or plans for Christmas with him so you have something to look forward to? Plus plans for yourself in the meantime to help the time go in quicker until you see him again? Would he be up for a weekly/fortnightly face time call at a set (but flexible) day/time so you can catch up with each other? What about treating yourself to a lovely writing set and sending him weekly/fortnightly letters, you could write a bit each day so you have that constant connection with him and then post each Friday for example? Personally I love receiving post that's not bills or junk mail (but then I'm in my 40s so the younger generation might think its cringe!)

Hi @AngelpopEvans I've just ordered a book called Life After Kids. It's by 2 American women and won't be delivered until 30th Sept. I think their idea is that you fill your life with other stuff - all the things you want to do for you.

I'll update when I've read it.

My first child is about to go and I’m wondering how I’m going to feel. I’ve going found the last few years of parenting extremely stressful. I’m 52 and I’m sure that the level of anxiety I’ve had has been linked to menopause.

Thank you for sharing your experience, what helped you recover last year?

Thanks for your post!
One thing I know that a lot of parents would agree on, is that time goes quickly, one minute you have a newborn, next they're leaving home! So your time in the trenches will fly by!
I believe that having just one kid doesn't help, we lost our dog lost year and my husband works long hours, so it's just me and the cat, and she misses him too!
The menopause is definitely affecting my mood, it's got a lot to answer for!
To be honest, I think that my son leaving, is a trigger for my low mood, which is simply a symptom of my depression, it's a case of managing things that is tricky.
There are many positives I can take, including the fact that I survived him leaving initially, I wanted to end things last year - the irony is that I needed to be here for him and my husband, so I have come a long way! I've done a lot to help myself, I've socialised more and met lots of lovely people. I've spent time gardening, kept up with my artwork, and I'm halfway through trying to write a novel! It's a lovely idea to write to each other, and receiving stuff by post is nice! He's been helping to edit my book, so I'll be sending him a weekly chapter to edit! Also, they have so many long holidays, he'll be back home for almost as long as he's away!
There are so many things we can do to make the empty nest seem less empty, and I'm sure most parents will cope very well. I just think that my history of depression is making things a bit harder for me and I wanted to connect with others that are struggling with their mental health too!

Hi there, thanks for your post.
I enjoy reading, and I'm sure the book will be helpful!
I would appreciate an update about it!

I could not stop crying when ds went to London. I had to be sent home from work.

It took me 2 years to adjust. Then he came back!😁

I’m not looking forward to it either. I’m super excited for DD, but will really miss her. However I’ve lots of fun things planned and we’re going to get on with some DIy, go on holiday and I’m going to increase my hours at work too. Hopefully I’ll get through it!

Hi there
I'm sorry that you are feeling stressed atm, sounds like the menopause is causing anxiety, especially if you are usually more calm. I'm taking HRT which has helped!
Although you are bound to miss your first child leaving for uni - or even relieved! Chances are you will be distracted by looking after your other children.
I'm taking antidepressants, having talking therapy, and along with HRT, I'm managing, but the main thing is getting myself out there, seeing people and walks in nature, even when I can't be bothered to get out of bed sometimes!

I'm only one year in, so I'm expecting to take a bit longer to adjust, and yes, he'll be back living with us in two years!
It's a huge sense of loss when they leave, but at least they do come back, usually more mature and wiser!

Sounds like you've put things in place to help adjust. It definitely helps thinking how exciting it is for them in this stage of their lives. I'm sure you will get through it!

And appreciating you more 😄

I am in perimenopause and she is a complete and utter bitch who plays havoc with women's lives so you have my utter sympathy for full-blown menopause who I believe is an even bigger bitch

Oh come on! Menopause can be difficult for some women but the majority get through it with few symptoms so I wish MN would stop scaremongering.

Yes it sucks. It's very painful. I cried for a week last year when ds started uni.

Then he dropped out in the first week.

He is trying again this year. If you think this hurts, ds falling out really hurt. I had a walking silent mental breakdown. Luckily we have a late night MH hub in a nearby town so went there. Ran away for a day. Scared the shit out of everyone but I just couldn't cope.

This year I didn't drop him off with dh and was out of the country when he packed and left.

I hate it. But this is sucess isn't it? What did worked and he is doing what success looks like. I try not to think about it too much. Which maybe isn't healthy. I have told him we need to chat weekly. Could just be a one line sentence but we must stay connected. I try not to think about him in-between. I can do that another day or week. When it's less raw.

So you did a great job. Think how you'd feel if he phoned and said he was coming home as he had dropped out. You want him to succeed and this is what looks like.