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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

ADHD son getting up for work

63 replies

DesperatelySeekingHelp · 07/09/2025 23:28

DS is 21. He was out of work for a year but now has a job that he loved for 3 months but the novelty is wearing off as is typical of ADHD.
He is going out most nights and it is proving really difficult to get him up for work without a row and he is starting to get in late.
I know people will say he’s 21 and he needs to take responsibility but I honestly can’t find it in me to let him lose his job for being late so I call him every morning.
He spends all his wages within first two weeks and then doesn’t have money to get to work so we have to sub him.

I can’t kick him out, he would lose his job within a month. I can’t tell him not to go out as he is 21.

all of his traits are typical of ADHD. He is medicated so once at work he can focus.

am at my wits end. Don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Jaws2025 · 08/09/2025 09:09

All the talk of him been spoiled and mollycoddled ignores the likelihood that he is anxious and angry with himself for this behaviour. My ds blames himself for his inability to get up on time, while going on to do the same thing again the next day. Low self esteem and inferiority are common feelings for people with adhd

Sunseekingdaffodil · 08/09/2025 09:20

So many comments that show people don’t understand!
DS is 19 and ADHD (unmedicated). I recognise so many of the things you are saying. He has been employed around 8 months now and things are gradually improving but he still needs much more support at home than a NT 19 year old.
His work pattern is changeable and that causes issues with him getting into a routine. But over the last few months he’s transitioned to getting himself up and out without support from us really well. He’s less good with budgeting- often have to lend him money at the end of the month (he always pays back) but I think I might suggest he gives me money to save and I pass to him later in the month if he needs it.
He also still needs support with organisation / admin generally. We have a family calendar he writes appointments in so I can gently remind him.
I’d say he’s like a NT 14 year in a lot of ways- but so much better than a year ago so hang in there and hope it improves for your DS too.

Shewasafaireh · 08/09/2025 09:55

My partner has ADHD and has always worked FT, teen years included.

He says a strict routine is the only solution, maybe your DS needs to learn to stick to one as well. If you’re always catching him he’ll never learn.

Blueskybluesky1 · 08/09/2025 10:29

lottiestars76 · 08/09/2025 01:38

I’m accusing you of ableism because your comment absolutely reeked of it, and to be frank, the fact you have now announced you are infact not NT, makes what you said so much worse on an even bigger scale. We have to navigate this world with uneducated people, people with outdated views and opinions and you would hope other ND people would understand that, and not pass off the same old damaging rhetoric that’s been used against us for decades. Unfortunately, this doesn’t seem to be the case here. I couldn’t give an ounce of a care that your partner has ADHD, if you are comparing his behaviour with this strangers son online. If you have met one person with ADHD you have met one person with ADHD. You, as someone with a neuro divergent diagnosis should be well aware of that, and realise that what might come quite naturally to your partner, doesn’t to thousands and thousands of other adhd diagnosed people around the world.

Aside from all of that, your original comment was neither helpful nor informative. Just a criticism really covered in judgement, ‘ so he’s a full grown adult’ all things I’d have a good guess the OP already knows, and already has thought about telling him to grow up and get on with it. Not going to work, for most ADHD people anyway, not your partner who’s cracked doing life with ADHD.

Im so confused at your point about women , because I agree women do not get the same treatment when it comes to,anything really let’s be honest, but when it comes to adhd, the reason it’s so highly diagnosed now is because for years and years the diagnostic criteria was gender biased- girls present very differently to boys and this has literally in the past 5-8 years only been researched and introduced into assessment criteria.
I myself am a mother of 3 daughters, who has struggled through my life for 35 years to get it to where it is now. I have been close to breakdowns more than I can count and I’ve done my best for my girls when I’ve physically and mentally felt at my worst. But even feeling like that, feeling like I’ve been let down by services my entire life, by my school, work, family, I’d never use that as a reason to turn my nose and not extend help and support to someone suffering the same disability as me because they happen to be a man. You are angry that as a woman who’s ND you have been treated poorly so your response is to offer that same treatment to another ND individual who’s struggling? Makes absolutely no sense. No matter how disenfranchised I feel by the way systems have been created to actively go against me, I’d never take that out on someone in a similar position? I’d fight the top, I’d rally for change and try and get the people that actually can make a difference to how we are all treated ,to hear me, what good does it do offering out useless, damaging advice and the reason behind it being ‘ yeah well I’ve been treated worse?’ Failing before you have even started , and the rich powerful people creating all these living conditions laugh and carry on.

Maybe read back at my earlier response in a few years when your partner inevitably does reach a point where he’s struggling ( because ADHD, diagnosis and medication isn’t linear, as I’m sure you know being ND) and take some advice from it, because its not diagnosed and medicated and bam I’m cured! It’s a life long disability that requires constant work and adjustments to try and thrive in a world that isn’t made for us.

Hope that helps, I’m sure it won’t but I’m bored now ( adhd! ) so won’t be responding.

Show quote history

two fantastic posts from lottiestars76. probably the best thing i have ever read on mums net

LadeOde · 08/09/2025 10:42

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow To be fair, I have 1st hand experience of adhd but unsure from what OP has said is a 'symptom', why? because lots of young men and women of this age demonstrate similar behaviours, theres nothing exclusively adhd there.
My 21 yr old ds with adhd, gets up by himself, goes for interviews etc. He suffers from poor executive function but with yrs of training and support realises if he doesnt get up he will be unemployed and he doesnt want that. He has a loud alarm, he doesnt go out drinking and partying all night especially when hes got work next day.

I feel @OP DS is suffering from a little bit of both, adhd, but also complacency.

skyeisthelimit · 08/09/2025 11:42

Your DS is 21 and needs to realise that he can't go out every night if he can't get up in the morning.

DD is 17, ADHD, awaiting ASD assessment, and has to get up at 6am to get a bus to college 3-4 days a week. She has an Alexa alarm and she gets up every single time. When she first started last year, I set my own alarm for 6am to make sure she was getting up, but after a couple of weeks, she had got into the pattern, so I left her to it after then.

You need to stop subbing your DS, and stop ringing him to wake him up. You are making him dependent on you , rather than helping him to be independent. You need to help him find ways of getting himself up or you are not heling him in the longer term.

Lindy2 · 08/09/2025 12:03

It's no wonder people with ADHD struggle so much with some of these attitudes.

All of these things are part of his disability. Things he struggles with because of his poor executive function caused by ADHD and therefore needs support with. You wouldn't not help a person with a broken leg because, well, they've got another leg and are aged 21 would you!

In terms of emotional maturity he's probably aged around 14 - 15 years so he's doing really well to have a job.

OP I know it's easier said than done but I would try and help him with a budget where he sets aside enough for all the essentials. He can then blow the rest as he likes. Can he buy a monthly bus pass so his work transport is covered as soon as he's paid?

You'll probably have to keep waking him or at least check he's up. Sleep and waking up are well known ADHD extreme difficulties.

Letting him loose his job to "teach him" won't work. Loosing his job will not improve his executive function because that is part of his disability. It may also be very difficult for him to find a new job. Most employers are not very neurodiverse friendly. (Neither in Mumsnet). Loosing his job could well cause an emotional spiral which believe me, would be a lot worse than providing some extra support now.

OP if he's loosing interest in his job can he see if there is something else for him to do? Obviously changing jobs isn't necessarily easy but if there was something that renewed his hyperfocus then some of the difficulties might be overcome.

Original poster

DesperatelySeekingHelp · 08/09/2025 14:50

Wow so many comments. Thank you. @lottiestars76. Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed response.
quick update He works in the city in a finance related job. He got home at about 11:30 last night and I made a decision that I wouldn’t call him this morning just to see what happens and lo and behold he got himself up and ready on time. (He is working from home this week because of the tube strike).

For those that say he has to learn and I am mollycoddling, I agree to a certain extent but if he loses his job he will spiral into anxiety and depression. This is an adhd trait and he does beat himself up quite badly about things.

OP posts:

LoveSandbanks · 08/09/2025 15:25

I have severe ADHD, my children all have ADHD to a greater or lesser extent. I am 57 and have NEVER lost a job due to lateness. Yes I always got to work right on the wire but I've never even been pulled up for lateness. My children are all able to get themselves up and out on time. I do understand that your son may find this difficult but this is HIS issue to learn to manage. If he loses his job because he is persistently late, he may have to learn the hard way but it is not your responsibility to get him up in the morning.

YellowElephant89 · 09/09/2025 09:02

Does he remember to take his medication or do you remind him of it?

SummerFrog25 · 09/09/2025 09:08

Slurple · 07/09/2025 23:44

You don't have to sub him, though. You're choosing to, and it's enabling him to continue spending all his money in the first fortnight.
I'm not advocating withdrawing all support without notice. But you have to accept yourself and communicate to him that these are not your responsibilities. And whilst you're taking responsibility for making his money stretch/getting him up in the morning, he is unable to grow into the man he needs to be to hold down a job.

Sit him down and tell him that you've misjudged things, that you've allowed him to rely too heavily on you and have taken on responsibilities that are not yours - namely waking him up in the morning and giving him cash when he doesn't budget properly. State that you are going to stop those things from X date, so that he can grow in the skills he needs to. Offer to budget with him to help his money last if he needs support with that, or support him to get an alarm. There may well be some skills lagging going on, but that doesn't mean it's going to help him if you do those things for him.

@DesperatelySeekingHelp

^^ this.

you need to help him by developing strategies & motivation for himself. Not by continuing as you are.

its not easy, I know. But needs must.

FitnessIsTheOnlyWealth · 09/09/2025 09:21

100% agree with @Lindy2

Letting them fail to learn the hard way is NOT going to foster success. They need support and tools, and reminders to follow process. They fail over and over but need help getting up again - my DD’s worst area is waking up and I have fought several battles for her. I know in time she will step up, but meanwhile I’d rather she not slip into a spiral of failure for something she desperately wants to but cannot manage.

TheWiseAmethyst · 09/09/2025 09:44

It's so heartening to read about these kids with supportive and loving parents.
As a child of the sixties where there was seemingly zero awareness of different working brains, I blundered through life, displaying all these problems being discussed, losing jobs constantly due to not being able to stop talking, inability to read faces, drinking, drug taking & risky behaviours which I could never understand why?
Excessive guilt, anxiety, inability to switch off to sleep. Blowing money within days and then borrowing from my mum as I'd spent so much buying her a perfume she never needed or wanted! It's been a lonely road. Best wishes and love to those that understand and want to help their children.

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