Son moving overseas with girlfriend

[SlightlyHeartbroken]

This has hit me hard, much harder than I expected! She has a great job offer, starting in 3 months, he will follow her when he gets a job. She is moving back to her home country where her family are… I am spiralling a bit. I feel like once this happens his life will be there, any grandchildren will be there. I am just so sad and will miss him so much. I am sure he will visit and I can go there however this is difficult as I am a carer for his father who has a degenerative illness, he would not be able to travel.

How do I feel OK about this? I also worry he is leaving all his friends behind, friends are very important to him. Do I express any reservations or see him off with a wave and a smile?

Sorry it must feel awful. How far are they moving? To Ireland or Australia? If it’s the former distance wise then you’ll be able to visit the same as if they moved to another city in the uk. If it’s Australia… start to plan how you’ll spend chunks of time there. My dads friend has grandchildren in Australia and they visit them for 3 weeks in uk summer hols and they visit the uk for 3 weeks at Christmas. They do a lot of FaceTime etc. they seem happy!

Your DS was me 30 years ago. I would be so sad if my DC did the same … but my parents never made me feel guilty or obligated to visit and I love them for it. I once asked DM how it was for her, and she said she loved watching her DC grow up, follow their hearts’ desires, and be happy. Wave and smile OP, but let him know you’ll miss him.

See him off with a wave and smile, OP! I was once in your position and that’s what I did even though it was hard.
Twenty years on, my DS is extremely happy and thriving where he is, we speak regularly on WhatsApp and my grandchildren know me from this so they aren’t little strangers when they come for their annual visit.
I have been widowed since he went to live abroad but I know he is still available for emotional support if I need it, and our bond is as strong as ever. I am glad to see him doing so well and making the most of opportunities which he wouldn’t have had if he stayed here. Of course I would love to have him closer to home and see him more often than twice a year, but he is having a great life which is ultimately what I wanted for him.

I’m so sorry, OP.

How old are they? Have they been together long?

How far long is the flight please? Just so we can get some context. Aus is a very different prospect from, say, France.

If this relationship is ‘The One’ then, yes, there’s every possibility that all you describe may happen.

Or they may break up.

But he’s an adult and entitled to make his own choices so there’s nothing you can do.

I’d show him I’m happy for him but I’d also take a moment to inject a note of realism about the challenges that may lie ahead. Then be happy for him and never mention the negatives again.

Sorry to add to your list of concerns but if my son was moving abroad to be with a foreign girl who wants to settle in her own country my main concern would be children. IF they have children and IF they then split up, those children will be entitled to stay in that country. Would he want to stay living abroad IF the relationship is over? Because IF he would want to return to the UK, he’d be returning without his children. Lots of IFs but this does happen more than you’d imagine in international relationships.

I’m sorry, OP. I’d be exactly the same in your shoes but I think you have to love him and let him go with good grace. Don’t be difficult about it or it will just drive an even bigger gulf than there will already be, geographically.

x

I think that you should see him off with a wave and smile but whilst seeking whatever support you need elsewhere to process this. It's a big shift and it's ok to feel however you do about it.

My situation is almost identical, down to the DH with a degenerative disease. DS has lived abroad for more than 3 years now and I sometimes feel overwhelmed with sadness for all the reasons you mention. Those are our feelings to manage, I'm afraid!
I console myself with the knowledge that my DS and his partner have built a wonderful life together. I can see that I raised a good man who is in a loving, balanced relationship with an amazing young woman. Seeing them so happy together brings me joy. I know he's exactly where he's meant to be. I focus on that.

Thank you for all your comments. I know you are all correct in what you say but right now I just want to cry. I want him to know how much we will miss him without guilt tripping! Also slightly concerned that he is a people pleaser so what he wants will be lost and if I say anything he will feel in an impossible position.

Also to add it is a short haul flight so yes visits are more possible though not for his dad.

Oh Op, I know the feeling well.

I was in the same boat as you a couple of years ago when my eldest DD made the announcement she would be leaving to live overseas with her boyfriend. Like you, it was for work and a great opportunity that couldn't be passed up. They were so excited about their new venture but it made me want to die inside. Although I NEVER showed her this, I just mirrored her excitement but god, waving her off at the airport, was one of the most difficult things I have ever done and I honestly thought my heart would break into a million pieces.

My DD and I had a very close mother, daughter relationship and she was my best friend too in many ways. She lived at home with us before the move also which was doubly hard.

I won't lie, I was filled with sadness those first few weeks she was gone. I could barely go into her bedroom.

We kept in touch via regular messages and Facetime calls and over time it got easier.

They have their own lovely house now, and it hurts sometimes as her boyfriends family live close by so they do lots of things with his family, and his Mum regularly pops in and they go to hers for BBQ's. Things that I always assumed we would do. And I know I will feel it more when she has children and I will be the 'long distance Nanna'. That does make me feel a little sad but ultimately I am genuinely really happy for her and I love how happy she is and at home she feels there.

She has a fabulous boyfriend and they are planning to get married in a few years time. They have great jobs, she has made a ton of new friends and she has made a fabulous new life for herself. She kept in touch with lots of friends from here and she still meets up with some of them on the occasions she comes home to visit.

We take it in turns to go and see her, or she comes to us, and without fail, every week we have a massive facetime call catch up as a family which has become one of the highlights of my week.

I honestly never thought she would move away from family like this. When I envisaged my children as adults, it was never in circumstances like this. I always pictured them close by. She was always such a 'homebird' and was one of those children who would get homesick on school trips or sleepovers. But it is what it is. This is the choice she has made for her life so I make best of it all and ultimately, if she is happy, then I am.

Please just try and be happy for him, even if it is killing you inside. He will thank you for it in years to come. Crying and getting emotional and making it all about you will make him leaving feel much harder and he may even feel guilty. Give him a huge hug, wish him well and plan your first Facetime call. xx

You have have just described everything that the thought of is upsetting me right now!