Living arrangements

[gpaterson]

My son and his girlfriend both finished university and have been living in my lounge since October last year, this limits my life as I have no.lounge and access to my garden. I am getting irritated by this arrangement and would prefer for me to move to the lounge and they can have my room, but he is kicking up a fuss as says there isn't enough space for 2 of them in my room. I have been a lone parent to him and his sister, and have always put them first, but I want my life back, I am nearly 60 and am a people pleaser, I don't like confrontation. Am I being unfair, and how can I make hi. see I need my space , without us falling out? thank you

Where did he live before uni?

Oh dear, I'm not surprised you want your space and life back! Are they working? If not they need to be! I'd be asking them to move out by a certain date as that doesn't seem workable. Could you set a date, by say, end 2025 when they need to be in their own place (or at least not in yours!)

Kicking up a fuss is he? So? It’s not his house, he’s under your roof, he sleeps where you say while he’s enjoying your hospitality or he can move out. Who does he think he is?

Good grief op, I think you have done enough. No way would I put up with no lounge and no garden access, but then I wouldn’t have agreed to this in the first place tbh. Your son is very lucky, and it would appear, very spoilt and entitled. Tell Him you swap rooms, or preferably he and the GF take a step towards adulthood and move out… You can be nice but be firm, you have put up with this long enough surely.

Your house, if he is sleeping in the lounge tell him it needs changed back to a communal lounge by 9am each morning. It is too restrictive for everyone else in the house.

I think it's reasonable for you to say you'll have the lounge and he can have your room.
Where did he live before uni?
Is there a reason the previous arrangement won't work?
Have you downsized or did he share with his sibling?
You do have a duty of care to your son but housing his girlfriend is going above and beyond particularly in a small house. Are they proactively job hunting?
What are their longer term plans? They really need to get jobs and move out if they want to live as a couple, even if it means a house share.
Does the girlfriend have a parental home to return to?
I hope they are paying rent and contributing to the household by cooking meals, cleaning, shopping etc

I think there is a point where you emotionally transition from feeling like your childhood home is your house to then relating it to your parents house. I think most of us have that when we first move out or go to uni. It seems like he’s perhaps not had that realisation.
Difficult conversations don’t need to be angry ones. You need to be able to discuss with them what their plans and expectations are explain what yours are. If he gets angry then you need to step away and clearly say that you are not willing to engage until he is calm.

Kicking up a fuss!! - how dare he!?

Tell him to act like the adult that he is and go and find himself somewhere to live.

No access to your own garden - how very dare he!

Assume he had a room in your house before he went to uni? He goes back to that room surely? If he doesn’t want to then he needs to live somewhere else.

Did you down size after he went to uni? I mean where did he sleep before? If you did what did you think was going to happen? Not many can afford to rent straight out of uni.
Are they both working? They need to get a flat together.

This, why did you let the girlfriend move in. Was is meant to be for a short period. Are they both working.

Thats not on! My Dc and her partner on leaving uni are now renting a flat with others. Tell him to find somewhere else if he’s not happy.

Great advice. Then set a deadline for when both need to have found a job - even if initially entry level - there’s two of them after all so they can pool resources. Last step is to set a deadline once enough savings (so 3m) built up for rent deposit for them to move out.

Tell them they need to move out and get their own place or a room in shared house that has a bedroom big enough for both of them. Until then he can return to his bedroom and his girlfriend can move back in with her family. You don’t have room for the girlfriend and it isn’t going to work long term.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions, think I am going to have to have that difficult conversation with them, just wanted to get some opinions from other parents. I did downsize when he went to uni due to bedroom tax, as I naively thought he wouldn't want to move back, my error. Thank you

Do they really make you pay bedroom tax when in reality he was home from uni quite a few weeks of the year due to Christmas and summer holidays and also some don't start until Oct or Feb after. When at uni I would still class that at living at home.

Sorry to hijack but when was a bedroom tax introduced? Does it show on your council tax bill?

I know the government are increasing taxes but I didn't realize this existed.

Bedroom tax basically applies to social/council housing. If you are in social/council housing and have 1+ spare bedrooms AND you claim help towards your housing you get less in your benefits for the housing. Essentially it's a reduction in housing benefit and you have to make up the shortfall in rent, or move or face rent arrears. It was introduced by David Cameron's government. Critics called it a bedroom tax but isn't technically a tax as such. It has nothing to do with council tax so no need to worry. Council tax is based on the value of your home so I guess if you have 6 spare bedrooms you have a much higher value house than the 3 bed house across the road and consequently have a higher council tax.