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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Upset over son's potential breakup!

16 replies

CeeCee47 · 19/08/2025 14:31

My DS (20 yo), is on the verge of breaking up with his gf or four years. While I understand his reasons - he is maturing and she is still very childlike, he doesn't see her getting a job, she is very dependent on him, and she has no real enthusiasm for anything, - she has still become like part of the family.

He has started distancing himself from her, and I know she feels it. She was very upset (sobbing) last night over the fact that she can see that she's losing him. He desperately doesn't want to hurt her, but I have told him that this is inevitable if he decides to end things, and he is just prolonging that hurt by leading her along.

My question here, is if it is natural for me to feel so upset about it all? I know that she isn't right for him long term, and I know he is probably doing the right thing, but I will miss her. She loves our family and our home as she doesn't have the best home life herself, but I know I need to be there for my son and support his decision. I'm not suggesting for one second that he stay with her out of guilt, but I can't help the guilt I am feeling. Do I try and stay in touch with her? Cut all ties with her? I just didn't expect to feel like this.

Anyone been in the same boat?

OP posts:

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 19/08/2025 16:24

I think its okay for you to feel a little upset about it as you have formed your own separate bond with this person.

My eldest DD has been with her BF for about 4 years also and he has become part of the furniture. When you invite them into your family, and into your lives, you get used to having them round, and if you like them, its easy to become quite fond of them. I would be gutted if their relationship ended and I would miss him. He is really likeable and funny and a real character round our dinner table.

As for staying in touch I think it would be a little odd to do that. Does your son want to stay in touch with her and try and stay friends or does he want to cut ties? I think if he wants a clean break then he might feel a bit weird having his mum in contact with his ex.

Its okay to feel like you will miss her but much of the time boyfriends/girlfriends will come and go and we have to let go of that tie and bond we have also formed with that person.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/08/2025 16:39

Don’t over promise being friends with her as when he gets a new gf this will get awkward. I would do what my long term exes lovely mum did though and keep sending her a Christmas card and maybe a birthday card too. Or stay social media friends and send her a happy birthday message. Don’t be in touch all the time at first as that will keep hurting her but do check in with her a few days after the break up sending her a lovely message about how great she is and how special she is to you. Do NOT let your son give her a list of reasons that he doesn’t like her any more or things that are wrong with her. My ex in my 20s did this and is ruined my swlf
esteem for many many years after. My life would have taken a really different trajectory if he’d done the dumping with kindness and compassion.

LaundryOracle · 19/08/2025 16:46

Your DS should not be slowly distancing himself if he knows he is going to end the relationship. He needs to do it swiftly, firmly and kindly.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum has some lovely advice.

ginasevern · 19/08/2025 17:33

Funnily enough I have a friend in almost exactly the same position, although her son is nearly 30. The girlfriend in question is rather emotionally unstable (difficult childhood) and not on an intellectual level to her son, but she has been a part of Christmases, family holidays, celebrations and sunday lunches etc for around 7 years. Her son now wants to break up with the gf but desperately doesn't want to hurt her. My friend knows deep in her heart that they aren't suitable for each but is very emotional about the probable breakup. I advised her not to keep in contact with the gf. It will only lead to complications later when her son finds another partner and could lead to conflict between her and her son.

dogcatkitten · 19/08/2025 17:37

He was very young when they got together, it's almost inevitable they would grow up and find they are different people. Support your son in doing the right thing and not dragging it out. If you and the gf have formed a friendship just see how it goes, but it could be difficult when he gets another gf.

autienotnaughty · 19/08/2025 17:51

It really depends on the situation, if you have a relationship with her independent of him and socialise together separately, providing it’s a amicable split I’d say it’s reasonable to keep n touch especially if there were children involved .

But otherwise I would say no.

DiscoBob · 19/08/2025 17:58

I'd say he won't be happy if you openly are still in contact with her. Though I understand you did feel close to her and will miss her.

Maybe when they've both got over it you could check in with her. She may have no interest in a friendship with her ex's mum though.

It's very rare for first love relationships to last. Just be supportive to him, and tell him to treat her how he would want to be treated. Or how he'd want a man to treat his mum or sister.

But it's his life and you can't try and stop him from splitting with her.

Teknogoobar · 19/08/2025 18:03

Absolutely normal to feel like this, but you have to be on Team DS and respect his decision. My son is now happily married but he had a couple of long term relationships with lovely girls before he settled down. I still miss and think about one of them in particular, as she became very much a part of our close family, but looking back I’m very glad that I didn’t try and keep in touch (I thought about it) as I see now that it wouldn’t have helped either her or my son. Parcel up your sorrow quietly and file it away - you’ll find joy and happiness in the future again when he meets someone else, I’m sure. Be strong and kind for them both in the meantime - good luck 😘

Original poster

CeeCee47 · 19/08/2025 18:45

Thank you all for your replies. I know deep down they are no longer compatible. They've just grown into different people, but she will be devastated all the same. I have told him not to prolong it - it will hurt no matter how long he leaves it. I trust he will be compassionate. He is a very kind young man. And I think I will step away quietly. It may hurt her all the more having me as a reminder. I just hope they both move on and find the right person in the future.
Thank you all again 🙂

OP posts:

FatherFrosty · 19/08/2025 18:53

I’m going to go against the grain and say if your ds is ok with it it’s ok to maintain some sort of contact.
you’ll need to keep boundaries and maybe give it a few months after the split before messaging.
I wouldn’t invite her to the house again, if you met it could be in a costa or something and not as any sort of messenger.

over the years I’ve seen some lovely friendships like this, I’ve even seen one that ended up as an extra granny to her kids years later.
but. Be led by your ds and never be the messenger.

theresnolimits · 19/08/2025 18:59

Been there, got the T-shirt. We have adopted both DSs’ friends and girlfriends over the years. Open house at ours.

It is gutting when they split up with someone who has been on hols, met the family, even moved in with us. But you have to say naught and let them go.

I always felt it would be disrespectful to the next girlfriend if we kept in touch and embarrassing to DSs if they felt we were talking about them.

Clean break and be glad for the good times.

DominoDaancing · 02/09/2025 22:09

OP I hope you’re feeling ok and things are working out?
I had this when DD split with her boyfriend of 3 years. He had spent so much time with us, holidays etc and we really liked him.
I wasn’t necessarily upset they split, as they were young and at uni in different cities and I felt they should both spread their wings. However I knew I would miss him so much, and also knew he would be very upset and I hated the thought of that.

I would have liked to keep in touch but realised that I needed to support DD, and he had his own friends and family for support. DD was hurting too, and they didn’t keep in touch really in the end.

However I think one thing I definitely realised was that the saddest time for me was the anticipation. Knowing this was coming and he didn’t know or suspect really my affected me for some reason. Knowing how sad he would be and how hard DD would find it to hurt him. Once they had split, things started to feel a little better.

I still missed him a lot for a long time. He’s a lovely young man and I would love
to see how he’s getting on. I never let on to DD about this though as that would have added to her feeling of guilt I think.

I hope it all works out for everyone and that you’re ok.

BunnyRuddington · 03/09/2025 07:18

CeeCee47 · 19/08/2025 18:45

Hoping he’s found the courage to end the relationship kindly. Staying in a relationship that neither of them is happy in because he doesn’t want to hurt her isn’t going to be beneficial to either of them.

Roobarbtwo · 22/12/2025 11:33

CeeCee47 · 19/08/2025 18:45

Why is he not just ending it? You've said she was sobbing because he's distancing himself and then you've referred to him as kind? That's a really horrible way to end a relationship after four years - cutting someone off. Making them feel they aren't wanted in your life anymore. He needs to have the conversation as soon as possible. Hopefully it's done now

Branleuse · 22/12/2025 11:39

I think so. We are only human.
How could you not feel attached?

My son and his gf were struggling recently and I was quite unsettled by it. I feel quite maternal to my kids partners and close friends. It's just who I am.

I obviously don't want that to mean that they feel pressure to stay together because of me. It's a tough one.

ThatJadeLion · 22/12/2025 11:47

It's sad when it happens, break ups are hard. But I definitely would not keep contact, no matter what. You will cause problems when your son meets a new gf in the future and has the potential to create a divide from day one.

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